Anxiety Attack
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me. Psalm 51:5 NASB
In iniquity – In Hebrew, hen-be-awwon comes first in the sentence. “Behold-in-iniquity” is the opening cry. English translations regularly transpose this forlorn sound of desperation by placing the verb before it, as if David is concerned with his origin rather than his present state of being. Previous examination (19 September 2015) of this famous verse suggests that David is not referring to his actual conception or birth but rather to his current distress. He is reflecting on what it feels like now to see his entire world dismantled because of sin. He feels as if he has been hopelessly mired in a world filled with disobedience, that it has overtaken him and for all intents and purposes, his life has been nothing but rebellion. By the way, every addict knows exactly what David is feeling. Every battle seems like one more fight in a lifetime of war. Every defeat seems like the bell tolling for the walking dead. Every temptation reminds one of endless struggle.
This is in alignment with Rabbi Kook’s comment about David’s deepest need, teshuva. According to Rabbi Kook, “teshuva does not deal with a specific wrong. Rather, it has to do with a general feeling of despondency and estrangement from God. Teshuva means a return to the self, to the godliness inherent in every human being. . . Teshuva . . . means to remember that tzelem E-lohim makes us who we are.”[1] “A person does not conjure up the memory of a past sin or sins, but in a general way he feels terribly depressed. He feels himself pervaded by sin; that the divine light does not shine on him; that there is nothing noble in him; that his heart is unfeeling.”[2] David to a tee! And me! And every addict who has ever let the crushing weight of defeated attempts to change press itself upon his shoulders. We are “born in iniquity” because for as long as we can remember we have been in this fight with no signs of relief, rescue, or redemption. Life is the hell of desiring to be righteous and discovering we are not—over and over again.
With the insights of Rabbi Kook, it seems impossible to imagine that David is issuing a theological proclamation about the effects of original sin. David is just like you and me, perhaps even more so since he is almost completely in touch with his emotions. David feels the absence of the Lord, the despondency about living apart, the anguish in realizing that his entire life and all of his past choices have brought him to this place of agony. David knows what it is like to despair of living. It isn’t Bathsheba or Uriah that are the issue here. It is the whole package, the total summary of all those small things that led him to the precipice. That is why David can proclaim, “Against You and You only.” All along it has been a battle of inches with the God of the cosmos.
Teshuva means return, not repentance for some particular sin, but return to the way God made us—to be in fellowship with Him. Those of us who know what it means to be “born in iniquity” cry out with David, hoping against hope that we have not been abandoned to ourselves. Teshuva is the only solution to the emptiness within. It is return to something we once knew long, long ago—a distant memory of peacefulness.
Topical Index: teshuva, iniquity, awon, Psalm 51:5
[1] Avraham Weiss, Holistic Prayer, p. 8.
[2] Rabbi Abraham Isaac Kook, Orot HaTeshuva, ch. 15, p. 52.
What’s the Good Word?
“Teshuva means a return to the self.” “Save yourself,” and “every man for himself.” Should every man do that which is right in their own eyes? Tell a drowning man to look within himself and “try harder..” No, no, and no. Every good gift and every perfect gift, the salvation of the soul is from Above. Each must be “born again” or “born from Above”— it is the Gift of God [Cain, are you listening?] —Not of works, lest any man [Jew or Gentile] should boast!
Teshuva means a return to the Living, Reigning, Ever-Interceding Savior. Friend, I’ll guarantee.. it’s not about “me.” The Messiah, our risen and reigning LORD (of all) IS the Way. Are you listening? Looking unto [Who?].. Looking [always-only-ever] unto Jesus-Yeshua HaMaschiach-Prince of Peace- the Messiah- [Who is both] the Author and Perfecter of our faith.
Faith in the shed blood of the Lamb of God, Passover’s Full, Free and Final Sacrificial Lamb. This is the Good Word! — Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures, and was buried and rose again the third day.
We must, we must.. become Christ-centered creatures. The old has become new. ~It is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins ~(Hebrews 10.4) “He was despised and rejected by men..”
Was? or Is? Do we despise Him still today? Do we reject Him and the salvation (free to ALL a healing stream) He offers to each of us, today? He is the Way. Could it be any clearer? Could it be simpler? Christ died for OUR sins, [not for His!] according to the scriptures.. ~ “He has made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us.” The requirements of the Levitical Law have been satisfied. ~ According to the Law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no “aphesis.” What a wonderful word! Deliverance, salvation, complete and total pardon, a sending away, a letting go, a release, a pardon, complete forgiveness. O, the cross!!
~ For the “logos” of the “tslav” — the Word of the Cross is to those who are perishing, “foolishness,” but unto us who are “being saved” it is the power of God unto salvation ~ (1 Corinthians 1.18) I (too) will glory in the cross.
Near the cross, a trembling soul,
Love and Mercy found me;
There the bright and morning Star
Sheds its beams around me.
Near the cross! O Lamb of God,
Bring its scenes before me;
Help me walk from day to day,
With its shadows o’er me.
I will boast not of works nor tell of good deeds
For naught have I done to merit His grace
All glory and praise shall rest upon Him
So willing to die in my place
What is sin? What is a sin nature? What does conceived in sin mean? Can we find any single THING or even ACTION and pin a label on ‘it’, or is sin more subtle than that? What if sin is not what IS, but more of what is NOT?
In the gnostic way of thinking, and please help me if I am not seeing this right, there is this eastern type of thinking that two opposing forces ‘need’ each other to exist in their very definition. Symbolized by the yin-yang and other ‘balancing’ depictions, there is this understanding that you have to have one to have the other. Thus is born the idea that to do great evil, you have to have it balanced out with great good. To be successful in the worship of the serpent, then, you have to successfully accomplish many good deeds simultaneously. (If this makes no sense, bear with me; I didn’t make this up, I’m just the messenger! Besides, I think anything that is evil is anything that makes no sense, but, back to the subject) If you thought that, say, a satanist, is someone who is characterized by purely evil deeds, you would be very wrong. These people are going to be going out of their way to find many very good deeds to do, to ‘balance’ out, or, make more effective, the darkness they practice within, in secret. After all, if they went around just looking like what they really were, they wouldn’t really be practicing evil, which is “loving and making a lie”(Rev. 22:15). Apparently, merely good deeds do not reveal a good human any more than a propensity to mess up reveals a bad one. Instead of focusing on the outward appearances, then, perhaps we should peer over the shoulder of the One Who looks on the inward parts instead, and, no, I don’t think this means that it doesn’t matter what I do as long as I mean well!
Define the terms. What is sin? Is is ‘just’ a lack of good deeds? If so, then that would mean that righteousness would ‘just’ mean plenty of good ones, but if we go back to the understanding that righteousness is relationship, with good deeds (the Law) being a side effect, if you will, of that relationship, then everything changes. Good deeds do not relationship make, although you are not going to have a good relationship without them, but I have seen plenty of attempts to cover over a lack of relationship with them. Many a child has resisted a ‘do-gooder’, for a child can smell a lack of relationship faster than you can say “don’t do it”. They want the real thing, and you can forget what the old-timers used to refer to as “make-ups”: those morning-after buy-offs to make up for yesterday’s relationship disaster. Children want connection, pure and simple, and if you don’t have it, then no amount of deeds is going to make up for it. If we understand that sin is a lack of relationship, then we, like the children, are not going to be so confused when it comes to understanding what we all need most, and, no, it is not “make-ups”!
I suffer because I am fractured: who cares what fractured me, or when! I need connection: who cares how that is accomplished, or who ‘gets’ the credit! I need to be re-connected with everyone and everything all the time to live; to “have life, and have it more abundantly”. I cannot, for the life of me, accomplish that total connection in this lifetime, or in any other. Why do we think (is this just more ego tripping?) that it is all up to us; this righteousness – this connection stuff? What if it never was? What if the Law is not telling us what to do to get connected as much as it is just describing to us what it looks like when we are (or are not)? What if the good deeds of the Law are only possible after we ARE connected, even though it is still impossible to be connected without doing them? Then, then, the Life we were given, and the Way we were given, and the Truth we were given, begins to make a different sort of sense. I need to be connected BEFORE I can practice the deeds of connection: if I set out to do those deeds WITHOUT that connection, they are just going to be ‘dead works’; the works of an unconnected person. I need plugged into the wall! I need the righteousness (connection) that Yeshua promised me before my good deeds are going to actually impress that little kid down the street; hey, he is going to know! I need those white robes of His nature worked out in me by the power of the Holy Spirit that I was promised. That power (love) IS the connection, but my part then is to respond with the actions of that connection. When I get introduced to the person at my door, it is still up to me to introduce myself back and invite them in for dinner. I cannot connect (love) everyone at all times and in all ways all at once, even though that is what I need to be alive myself, but, then, I don’t think I was ever expected to: my part has always been to respond to those connections (given to me by the Holy Spirit) with those good deeds. Life (those love connections), y’all, has always been beyond me!
I was researching revelation. 22:15 tring to find out what ” loving & living a lie ” means ….
.any insight ? Is this the life of an addict?
Laurita, many beneficial insights into life issues, coming through your life experiences!
” After all, if they went around just looking like what they really were, they wouldn’t really be practicing evil, which is “loving and making a lie”(Rev. 22:15). Right.
But, out of the abundance of the heart comes forth actions that one can clearly define in due time, well intended or otherwise. Actions speak louder than words!
So loving and all who makes/lives/practice a lie, outwardly doing good deeds but inwardly falsehood and deception abound, even to the degree of the self believing the lies.
True connections, person to person, are difficult to find. We are individuals from various circumstances, experiences, situations that mould, grow us on a daily basis.
The best connection we can hope and seek for is in the spiritual, being able to communicate like this on this blog relating in the wonderful life-giving truths that Skip brings out in his TWs.
The need to forsake the pride and deceitful self is vital to a good, sound connection/relationship. Lies and falsehood KILLS!
“…righteousness is relationship, with good deeds (the Law) ..” not outside Scriptural principles.
Relationship without righteousness is a bunch of lies! In fact, unrighteousness is wickedness/evil.
So appreciate your comments. Todah! Shalom!
While I agree with the premiss that David is not suggesting he was born sinful, I question your explanation of the word ‘repentance’ based on Rabbi Kook’s interpretation. I find it much easier to simply cry out to God to help me in my cloud of generalized sin, but to actually specify the sin is much more difficult. Once I admit to specific sin I become much more accountable. I know what that sin is, and realize that it was my choice to commit it. It’s easy for me to admit I’m a sinner among people, but to share the specific sin that I struggle with requires a deeper, heart-wrenching admission of something I’m deeply embarrassed and remorseful about.
When I look at the first phrase, “in iniquity I was writhing,” I see David twisting and turning in sin or iniquity. He’s tangled in it and can’t get out. It’s interesting how this parallels a baby twisting and turning in utero as it develops over time. How did David get here? It was his desire that he didn’t keep in check. His desire conceived and gave birth to sin. Things got out of control as he tried to cover his tracks. He was snared like an insect in a spider web that twists and turns in an effort to get out. Along comes the spider and wraps it up tight so it looks like a cocoon; it does this so it can drink its blood when the time is right. Like David, we can get so addicted to fulfilling our sinful desires that we’re blind to our dreadful condition. We now appear to be conceived in sin as a result of our own choices. It can be difficult to stop addicting and sinful behavior; we have to cry out to God for deliverance. If we don’t, what will this “cocoon” give birth to? Will the spider suck the life out of us? If we confess our sin and repent by returning to the commandments, we can be set free like a butterfly. We have to trust God to do this by taking the first steps toward obedience. Just as the mixed multitude had to step into the waters of Yam Suf after leaving Egypt, we need to step out in faith with a desire and determination to obey before deliverance can take place.
I like this. Great comparison!
Beth, Amein!