HARD LESSONS
Scott Peck was right. Life is difficult. But perhaps it is difficult in a different way than he imagined. He noted that our expectations of comfort and pleasure are at odds with the reality of true fulfillment. Real life comes from the willingness to live for something bigger than myself (Heschel). That means sacrifice at its deepest level. The rabbis say that a man does not know the Torah until it has seared him. Most of us do not want the pain of being branded even if we know that the brand is the sign of God’s care. That makes real living the knife-edge of agony. I must be cut deeply before I can heal.
In the years of this journey, a few hard lessons have become apparent. I thought I might share mine so you can add yours.
- Most of the time I feel alone. While I know that others are walking the same road, few seem to share the same pain and the same hope. I know what it means to be rejected by the larger community of “believers.” That seems to be part of the surgery and it comes with little anesthetic. I know that I could capitulate and be welcomed back as a returning prodigal, but that road is the way of delusion for me now. This road hurts but it is the only one I can walk.
- I am sick of being a good person. I desperately want to find a place where I can shout, “Depart from me for I am a sinner,” and be understood for all that this means. My life among others is constantly oppressed by pretense. How I want to be holy—and how unholy I truly am! Is there no place for a man like me, tortured by the weight of forgiveness, agonizing over my desire to please Him and all the time knowing how frequently I fail? Where is the community of the honest and vulnerable? Why must I fight hiding from myself to the point of exhaustion? I know Adam’s “fig leaves” are merely posturing but I also know that confession filets me. Confession cuts away the only skin I have, leaving my soul raw and bloody. I am sick of being a good person and afraid of being anything else.
- I know God loves me, but far too often my head outruns my heart. I need to feel that He loves me. The love of God is useless theology unless He provides the power to change from good to holy. And it’s of little consolation that I will be righteous in the olam ha’ba. I don’t live in the olam ha’ba. I live here—in Babylon—where I have to deal with my shame at being less than the King commands and less than my heart desires. Who can deliver me from the body of this death? Yes, I know what Paul says next but what he says next must be more than a theological doctrine. I am exhausted from doctrine.
- Most Scripture confronts me these days. I used to run to the Bible for comfort. Now I find the words not only challenge me, they force me to look into a mirror without masquerade. There are times when I simply can’t read the text it hurts so badly. The cool waters of Ein Gedi offer relief but I am standing in the desert and Ein Gedi seems like a dream.
- Will I abandon the quest in order to find solace in the love of the unknowing ones? I am sorely tempted. But since I know I cannot go back, my personal demons offer a different kind of relief—the relief of numbing my conscience. I have a constant guilt headache. I want to use the ring of power to escape the reality of self-denial. Jeremiah’s words are truer of me today than ever before. I fear I am losing the only deliverance possible for such a sick soul.
- Joy comes, but from the oddest places. I see the hand of God in the creation. I hear Him whisper in the hurricane. I am touched by the pathos of the cries of a child. My heart is still alive. I know it because there are times when I simply cannot hold back the tears, but I cry without knowing why. I am living on the edges of reason in order to find God in the wilderness.
- I know my Redeemer lives. But it has been a long time since I felt His arm around me. Abraham and I are compatriots waiting for YHVH. And we both made the mistakes that send Him away. Now my heart cries for a glace from the true King just as David cried. The men and women of the Bible are becoming really human for me. Their patina as the great cloud of witnesses has been removed. I know them in pain and suffering. But I am no longer certain I can look upon the agony in the Garden without dying.
- In the end, I know I must die. That tiny bit of me that still clings to the life I used to have, to the dreams and hopes and schemes of the yetzer ha’ra, must die. I must be burned up on the altar in order to be a sweet savor to the Lord. I am ashamed that I hesitate. But I am afraid. I know that I must carry the ring back to its source in order to destroy it. And I know that I must carry it alone. But I am afraid.
- I am reminded again and again of the comments on prayer in The Complete ArtScroll Siddur. The true purpose of prayer “is to raise the level of the supplicants by helping them develop true perceptions of life so that they can become worthy of His blessing. . . Prayer is a process of self-evaluation, self-judgment; a process of removing oneself from the tumult of life to a little corner of truth and refastening the bonds that tie one to the purpose of life.”[1] I want to be worthy of His blessing. The parable of the great debtor scares me. This means that my struggle to pray is really a reflection of the struggle for integrity and purpose in my own life. Prayer acts as the mirror of my deepest character and the fact that I find it so difficult to communicate with God without distraction only indicates how much of the deepest part of me is also wandering. Prayer is painfully refreshing. It is painful because in prayer I discover who I am; weak, inconsistent, unworthy of blessing. It is refreshing because in prayer I find the glimmer of hope, the traces of rest, the faint smell of acceptance that I so long to know in full. There are times when I simply wish I could devote myself to prayer. That is my desire, but as soon as I begin I find the cacophony of mental shrapnel bombarding every thought of God. I give up too easily, hoping that somehow God will still listen to my pathos.
The life is not for everyone. Perhaps the narrow gate is even too narrow for me. I pray not.
What I miss most of all is Him. We don’t talk very much. I am sure He wants to listen. I am too ashamed to enter the conversation. Too tired to continue it. Too confused to know what to say except this: “Lord, have mercy upon me.”
If you’ve read this far, you probably are waiting for a turn for the better. You are looking for some theological affirmation of restoration, some comfort, some light at the end of the tunnel. You’re right to want this. I suspect that when each of us looks deeper into our rebellion, our unwillingness to submit, our fight with God to have at least some of life our way, we experience another biblical event, the encounter at the Jabbok. In those recesses of the soul that only mysterious strangers in the middle of the night can reach, we fight to the point of defeat, and even in defeat are unwilling to admit it. We will not let go even if God Himself injures us for life. Perhaps Brad Young is right. In the end faith is tenacity, the dogged perseverance of the will to live. Perhaps we are more like Jacob than Abraham, manipulative, compromising, legalistic, self-serving. But Jacob was still loved by his Lord. Even when he would not let go!
If there is promise in the lessons we have learned, perhaps it is this.
Alone, beleaguered, confused, defeated, emotional, foolish, guarded, horrified, illuminated, jaundiced, languorous, melancholy, needy, open, penitent, questioning, relinquishing, shameful, tenderhearted, undaunted, valued, worn, yearning and zealous, we will not let go.
Perhaps the hardest of the hard lessons is simply that faithfulness demands all, for God and for me. Faith is a zero-sum game, consuming every bit of who I am. That’s why faith seems like death. What I will be on the other side of the grave is uncertain. All that I know now is that dying is the only hope I have of living.
[1] The Complete ArtScroll Siddur, p. XIII
Amen.
We are all dying.
Halleluah!
Skip, I have found that joy is found at the bottom of barrels much more often than the top. You are heading in the right direction!
[Both] Now and Then
The Way UP is DOWN
(He must increase, – but “I” must decrease!)
And the Way to Life is Death!! We must die first, then life begins. Death to SELF.
[no one listens] – ” Not I, but Torah!! ” Sorry.. – no. ~ NOT “I” [but] – Christ!
“I” (my friends) have been (not will be) crucified with The Messiah..
When He died, “I” died.. -[and?] – not only crucified (a long, slow and painful process) but buried!!- Buried by baptism (immersion) unto [and] into His death!
Good news? Death (dear ones) IS a good thing! [to die is what? – “gain!”) How, may I ask, is a dead man “tempted?” Remember? ~ For YOU are DEAD and YOUR life is hid with Christ in God! ~ How dead is dead? Hey dead man, how about a drink? No thanks, I’m dead. A cigarette? No thanks, – I have problems inhaling, since I now have no breath. Look at that “tempting thing”- Sorry, seems I can’t open my eyes, – I’m dead.
There are great “advantages” to being dead. It is sure nuff difficult to tempt a dead man. ~ Now.. [beloved] reckon yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin..[are these my words? -nope! – His!
To cross over into the “promised land” – a land that flows with milk and honey- a river needs to be “entered into.” That river is the very same river where our LORD (Himself) was “immersed.” It is the river Jordan. “Descending” – a going down into. Christ not only “ascended,” but He first “descended.” The Word became flesh and lived among us. He “descended” further still, humbling Himself unto death- even a criminal’s death- a cursed death- Death upon the execution stake, – the tslav.
Step #1- a crucifixion. Step #2- a burial. And now? The moment we’ve all been (anxiously) waiting for.. Step #3 – the resurrection!! [yes, first the cross, then the crown!]
He lives. We (now) serve a LIVING Savior. Have we forgotten? ~ He ever lives to make intercession for us! Yes, not only our Savior. Not only our Deliverer. Not only our Near-Kinsman Redeemer. He (now, today) intercedes for us!!! He is our Mediator, He is our Advocate, He is our Champion. He IS (not was!) LORD. LORD of ALL!!
LORD of every thought and action,
LORD to send and Lord to stay;
LORD in speaking, writing, giving,
LORD in all things to obey;
[Both] – now and evermore to be.
Shalom brother, I loved reading your hearts cry. I find something drawing as we walk with Him together. I long for that day I see my Saiour, I know He loves me and I want with all my heart to love him. I fail so often, it seems all the time but I know He will never leave me nor forsake me. He has promised, oh how I long for His embrace.
Shalom brother
So with you… to the last drop of the last word of your heart’s outpouring over us today. I have read nothing that describes me better. Thank you.
Skip, I think you speak for most of us. Perhaps that is the redeeming value of your experiences.
Often I’ve wondered why I should have chemical sensitivity. Over the years, however, I’ve known many with this condition who were, for whatever reason, not in a position to be able to tell the rest of society about our hurts, our weaknesses, our needs, and the truth about toxins. I, on the other hand, am an outspoken individual. More than once I’ve spoken up when others could not.
Thank you, Skip, for speaking up…for yourself AND for the rest of us.
Shalom.
True! Amein! I have known such folks too ,with this condition who were for whatever reason, not in a position to be able to tell the rest of society about their hurts, their weaknesses, their needs.
Perhaps of deep hurts and trauma that has taken place in their lives. Takes an effort drawing them out of that dark place, to freely express themselves. Shalom.
Yes, Ester! Thank you! This is the community I work with; this is my job to work with invisible people who are housebound with these serious chronic illnesses. I have been greatly humbled, and healed also myself in the process of learning how to love and work with them. It has been my privilege.
Thomas Elsinger, This was meant for you.
Not sure if it went to Laurita, but thank you Laurita for your reply :- )
Shalom!
Oh, how I can identify with this! I spend most of my days alone and housebound. Other than a few minutes with my husband each day, I am alone. I used to chatter on all day to Abba, about this, that and the other thing. Now I speak rarely and more often than not am just prone (in my heart) before Him. I have many friends who are moving deeply into the realm of prayer, a place I used to be, but now I am on a different shore, the shore of listening, waiting before Him, accepting His will. He knows my heart, there is little need to speak. The refining is great. The world is being shaken but He is causing me to be steadfast. The sorrows of the world are overwhelming, but I am reminded that they are not mine to bear, they are His. In the end, there is only Him.
Be encouraged, brother, you are not alone.
Skip, thanks for sharing your soul with us … daring to be transparent in a world where we each wear our own custom mask to hide behind. My comfort is in this, the Lord is “Savior” to all who call out to Him. I am thankful each day for His Great Mercy towards me!!
Thanks for the share, can totally relate for sure. #4 is the one that hurts the most for me. I miss opening it up and getting a pat on the back.
‘Words’ left in a comment feel so impotent a response, but I will try. Thank you for bearing your soul so openly. It is like gazing upon a rare and precious gem, and finding your willingness to be so vulnerable and transparent inspires me to hope for the same quality. But, the truth is I know I’m completely incapable of it. I’m also completely incapable of knowing what words could offer you encouragement or bring comfort, but I know others in this community will be able to find a way. I think the hardest part is that we are all so “far” from one another. We live and communicate with each other in “Cyberville”. At least Samwise got to walk on the journey ‘side-by-side’ to Mt. Doom with his friend. Walking this journey via comments and posts and emails with one another feels so very empty…not side-by-side. So much of sharing life with one another is *not* just through words. So, if we could all reach out to you today and say, “thank you”, and give you a hug, we would. Unfortunately, it’s delivered two-dimensional.
Your words are good for me. But it’s not encouragement and comfort my soul desires. I can find that in all sorts of diversions. And your words do help. What I long for is purity, and a purity that allows me to stand before Him without shame.
Skip thanks for this response. After reading through your hard lessons, I cried because you put words to what I could not find words for as to what I feel and felt as I travel this journey. I cried in those places where your words became containers for feelings that have been swirling in my heart with nowhere to go because I did not understand nor could describe them even to myself. I cried because your words released an understanding that I now see. Thank you for that.
As I read it, for me I knew there were no words of encouragement to offer other than to say Thank you for sharing from your heart and giving me a glimpse of a different side of Skip, other than the one that I see behind each Today’s word. In that I saw the love and compassion of my God.
Maybe it is not your season (yet) to be a Tzadik.
The Set Apart do not engage with the world.
Stay Righteous for a little longer.
You seem to be doing a good job dishing out the bread.
And the Paracletes will provide for your purity on The Day.
At times like this, I turn to Romans 8:28. Then I know that the purity I have not yet reached is still good enough.
Shalom, Skip ~ I am re-reading this post today, you are channeling Paul. May I respectfully encourage you to go on a fast. I have just completed a 10-day lemonade cleanse and am now on the 3 day tapering to re-introduce food. It was an idol that I had to overcome. You may also anoint yourself with the Essential Oils daily. Blessings ~ we are richly blessed by your faithful studies and tireless effort for our edification.
You are not alone brother, you are not alone.
You bless us by sharing your heart here, Skip. You put words to the things that every one of us feel. Things we either don’t know how to say or are too afraid to say.
The ability to stand before Him without shame is something no man has, and few men realize they lack. It may not feel it, but you’re in a good place. Maybe you’re right where He wants you. The closer you get to those fires of Mt. Doom, the more intense the power of the burden you carry. The closer we get to God, the more we realize how far away we really are. That has to be a blessing, though it hurts.
I am the self-declared Queen of Distracted and Incomplete Prayer, but I am going to pray for you, and all of us, that He gives us what we need to continue this journey.
Thank you, Alicia. You blessed me.
I feel very, very alone on this walk. Mostly, YHVH is my only companion. I frequently ask Him, “Am I deceived? How can we be the only ones who can see this when the vast majority can not or will not see?”
I do find great comfort in opening my email each morning to read TW. Skip, your humility, vulnerablilty and honesty helps pave the road for me each day. Thank you for your faithfulness. Your willingness to press on means more than you will ever know.
I want to know just one more thing as I sit here in tears, when did you enter my head, my heart and my soul and read me like a book? Thank you for writing things I just could not, for putting words on a page makes me confront myself, and it hurts!
Thank you Lord and thank you Skip for this cyber church. We as members may not be able to touch each other physically except on rare occasions, but our hearts meet daily. If it were not for this cyber church of Skip’s were he writes messages but God beams them directly to me some days, I don’t know where I would be in this life if I was even still alive. If this kind of open heartfelt truthful messages were available in a local block and mortar building, I would be there every day. Some days I am exulted by the message, some days I cry real tears (like today), and some days I am confounded, but I always leave encouraged to face another day that has been laid out for me. I can only remember the past and use that experience to strengthen me to face a future that is a complete mystery beyond this second, and this cyber church is the source of much of my strength to continue.
Thank you. Thank you so much. All of you are ahead of me in the Way. It helps me to see the way ahead. Thank you.
Warren, this is the way I felt when reading Skip’s post and it is frightening. No wonder many fall away. But Skip, even though you feel alone in this walk, you are not. We walk together and you are a leader of leaders. Think community. Each of us is a part of the body and perhaps some like you just take a worse beating by the enemy of our souls. In whatever way we must draw together to draw strength from the Holy Spirit who indwells Christ’s body here in Babylon. The death that we seek can be endured as we look to the Joy that is set before us…somewhat like Jesus on the cross.
Amen and amen.
Shabbat shalom.
W.
Wouldn’t it be nice to see a map on this site where everyone is?
I also think an annual reunion during Sukkot would be well attended 🙂
Mapping is a software issue, and a cost I cannot afford, but it would be nice.
We tried a reunion once. Frankly, not a success. Only 6 people came. But for those 6 it was a blast.
Skip and all, your sharing is much appreciated. Neither one of the prodigal Father’s sons was able to appreciate their father’s extravagant love for them. Yet he was open to any response they made. When the younger son was “a long way off” he felt compassion and ran and embraced him. Yeshua says that in the house there was music and dancing. My prayer is that we would know both a solemn fear of the LORD and His love and tenderness in our lives.
It’s so “weird” yet SO reassuring that we all seem to feel and think and move in the same direction and ask the same questions. Am I deceived? Am I self-righteous for walking away (far away) from “Church” and seen and believed to be heretical and “out there” for following Torah? For being kosher? For headcovering? For understanding “grafted-in” means taking on the ROOTS as nourishment instead of making up a new system (even though we are Jews)?
AND I find it comforting that we are all still seeking His Face, in fear- of course- yet still seeking. And doing it together. I am grateful for time such as these that through the Internet, we are community.
And Skip, I am ever so grateful for you. For you and Rabbi Bob have been used to open our eyes- really open wide- to “see”.
How did you get inside of my head? We won’t make it unless the deep love of Yah makes it possible.
Father is gathering a people of HIS likeness… of HIS very own Heart. For this is what HE sees and
hears, the very cries of our hearts! Your thoughts, feelings, and questions were beautiful, that if I could articulate mine and write as you that is what I would write. Thank you Skip for exposing the real you. Those of us that can admit to the truth of our hearts with out fear of what others will think of us, is humbleness in it’s rawness. This is Yeshua, walking out HIS Love for Father no matter the cost even to death. The same is true with all our forefathers… real people… same as you and I.. not afraid to be
real. I wonder and cry out many times since I have left the church 7 years ago … “where Father are your
real people?” I as well feel alone on this journey, but must continue this walk , I could not have it
any other way, dealing day to day with a bit of every thing each of this community has shared. What hope
this gives me, what joy this brings today and the days ahead walking out this faith the best we know how,
until our next burning bush refining process comes along… ha, which seems to be every day now. As we
glean insight and understanding from one another I see us becoming one in spirit and truth. one soul. We
must be one body with one goal, to know the heart of YHWH. Be blessed. Shabbat Shalom
Hi to all the Skip followers. My name is Karen, and I began reading Skip’s posts after reading Guardian Angel a few months ago. Let me add I am a divorced woman looking to remarry one day and want to do it right. I found the book quite fascinating, and have a new outlook on marriage thanks to Skip.
As for the daily posts, I am torn between gaining insight into God’s Word, and being appalled by the daily trashing of everyday Christians. The discussion on Christmas blew my mind. I was a Christmas celebrator all my life until one year, as I was standing before the tree and the manger, the Lord showed me that it was all idols. I packed everything up and put it out to trash. Haven’t celebrated since. Read up on it a little more but all I really needed was God telling me it was wrong. Simple. I was in withdrawal for many years and trashed other Christians for celebrating. Praise God I have finally found a balance.
Each and every day the Good Lord humbles me and shows me that I am NO ONE to judge His children. I was there too, along the way, and can say NOTHIING. That is God’s work. Mine is to love my neighbor as myself.
I need other Christians who love God and the Lord Jesus. I need their love and I need to love them. I need to be God’s image bearer, doing those things that God would have me to do and as He leads me. I don’t need Skip or any other writer/teacher to show me the way. Father God shows me the way each and every day.
Skip, if you cannot talk to God anymore then you are doing something very wrong. Children LOVE their daddies and spend as much time as they can with them. The enemy of our souls is certainly busy in the Todays Word camp making it much more complicated than it needs to be. If you listen you can hear him laughing…..
Karen, what does this mean to you:
“Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:10-14 ESV)
Skip is holding his raw heart out, and everyone here has identified with much of what he feels. David could identify with what he feels, if he were here with us. Job could identify with what he feels. Yeshua, more than anyone, would weep and nod his head and say, “I know. Believe me.”
Please don’t wound Skip, and all of us, by telling us that we are “doing something very wrong” if we sometimes struggle to find worthy words in our filthy mouths at the gleaming throne of our utterly holy Father. This is real relationship, and it has its highs and lows, insecurities and uncertainties.
Thanks
Hi Karen,
I appreciate your fervor and your desire to point in the right direction. But a few things also need to be added. First, I have constantly written that it is not the individual believers who are under scrutiny here. Virtually all of us came through the Church and are close with many Christians. They seek the heart of God and wish to follow him. Their experience with God is real and important. But the religion that has shaped what the experience means is in error, sometimes deliberately and sometimes through ignorance. So I don’t really have an issue with “Christians.” My issue is with Christianity, the religious philosophy and theology that developed in opposition to the Messianic Jewish way of life found in Scripture. If you read more of what I have written or listen to the audio files, you will hear this theme.
Secondly, I know that I am doing something wrong. But doing something right doesn’t mean hearing God either. Job is a prime example. There are others. To believe that God shows favor on the righteous but not on the unrighteous isn’t biblical and the idea that if we do all the right things God will be a joyful comfort seems contrary to the suffering that the righteous experience.
But thanks for reading. Please continue.
Hi, Karen! My husband and I have been followers of Skip and his teachings for a while now, even though I have never posted a comment before today. I do understand your feelings. I come from a very loving, close and devout Christian family with generations of pastors and teachers. Even our youngest son graduated from Multnomah Bible College with degrees in Pastoral Ministry and Bible. Christianity is the very foundation of everything I have been taught. I share this with you so that you will know why I understand Skip and what he has shared. You could say that we are ‘rowing in the same boat’. In the 90’s while studying the Bible, I began to question why Christianity ignores many of the Father’s commands. Many of these commands come before there was an Israel…..before there was a ‘first covenant’. Why would Christianity ignore what God so clearly declared for ALL of Abraham’s descendants? There were no Jews at this time…..no declaration of Israel as His Chosen People. I became frustrated because the answers I got from family and Christian commentaries did nothing to quiet my confusion. My husband and I would sit in church with a restlessness we didn’t understand. We decided to go to a local Messianic congregation on Shabbat to see if we would find answers. The short answer is no….not at first….but, we became enthralled with the study of the roots of our faith…..our Hebrew Roots…..and the first century ecclesia of Yeshua. Over the years, we have found our heart’s home in HaShem and look forward to our King Messiah’s return. The sacrifice we have had to make is being seen as heretics because we love our Jewish King and Savior. We keep Shabbat and the Feasts and eat ‘clean’. We do not celebrate Christmas or Easter with our families. They love us but think we have ‘gone to the dark side’, although we have never had a spirit of condemnation toward them. After all, Abba spoke to our hearts and we found the answers we were seeking. He also gave us a heart to love our Christian family without preaching or teaching or confrontation. Skip’s forum is not so much about religion, but a teaching tool about the proper interpretation of scripture through the Hebrew mindset. It is where, while learning, we can share the joys, the sorrows, and even the rejection by those who don’t believe as we do. If our comments can help one another or those seeking answers…all the better. Love and Blessings, Thia.
AND, I am no “Skip follower”. 🙂 He is sharing his knowledge, research, and his walk, and his honesty about the difficulties, challenges, fears, and doubts that he faces are precisely why I enjoy walking WITH him, not behind him as a “follower”. I find over-confidence far more suspicious than honesty and humility. And I “test” everything I read here, and everywhere. I pray constantly that God will not let me wander from His truth. No where is it promised that the truth will make me comfortable, or certain, or give me the warm fuzzies, but it is promised that the truth will set me free. And free I am.
Thank you. Your discouragement and self-examination are an encouragement to me because I can relate. Surrounded by so many who are sure of themselves, I have always been one who questions. There is one thing I hold to, especially when the questions seem to just raise others: God is God, and God is good.
I hesitate to write this, and hope I will not step on any toes, but after spending around 35 years of constantly feeling like Skip shared, I believe the Father spoke to my heart about this matter. I have lost most of the friends I had in mainline Christianity and only a remnant now will talk with me. One day weeping before the Lord about my dismal experience trying to live the Christian Life for so long, the Father asked me to let it all go and approach Him as an eternally dependent child with nothing to bring to the table, so He could fill me with His Life. I soon discovered the bringing nothing to the table part was the difficulty I could not get past, and asked Him to please be merciful and show me how to completely depend on Him. He did this a few years ago through physical suffering and revelation, and since then, I no longer wrestle at all but rest in the Life he freely gives when I simply truest Him to do all.
I am by no means perfect, but my immaturity no longer torments me.I am almost daily discovering new things about His Love and Life. The goal of loving the Father with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength is being done in my life right in front of my eyes as I see how impossible such a task is for my flesh driven attempts at obedience, and how endless is His Life and Love to do all in me. I now bring His indwelling Love back to Him during our times together, and i’m sure it is a foretaste of what eternity will be like. Ministry is now a freely flowing joy instead of a duty. I no longer find any identity in being a minister…only an eternally loved and dependent child of my Father.
How I could have thought for so many decades that it was up to me to do what was clearly impossible is beyond me. Or how I could have thought He wanted or needed my help to do what only His Spirit and Life could do amazes me. The excuse that everyone else around me was doing the same things is totally inadequate. Spiritual pride, fleshly dependence, and fear of man are the culprits, and I had to get sick enough of my own efforts to see that I must completely lay ALL THINGS before Him and let Him bring them to death and resurrect them in the time and way He sees fit. I love life now in spite of all its heart breaks and challenges because I now see them as opportunities to share my Fathers Life and purposes with others as HE enables and directs. What an indescribably wonderful Father we have who will so patiently draw to Himself. If only we will really let go of ourselves.
Dear Skip,
Stop haunting yourself. You ARE holy, in spite of you! At the moment you’re clearly walking the valley of the shadow of death. That’s the valley that’s all too familiar to me. But that won’t last! Stop looking at yourself. If you can’t pray on your knees, go out, go jogging, biking, walking in nature, whatever. Talk to Him, cry to Him, shout to Him, He knows…. He will lead you beside the still waters. He restoreth your soul. He leads you in the path of righteousness FOR HIS NAME’S SAKE. This is not about YOU, it’s all about HIM! His Name!
God bless you, brother!
B.t.w. I know what shame is. I’ll have to go to court because of my wrong behaviour soon. So much for being holy… I need much, much more than a figleaf. I need a miracle! But satan won’t get me: I cling with all my power to the work of Christ. Never ever in my life did I need is as much as right now…
Kees Brakshoofden, I recall that you live in the Netherlands, Is that is correct? & that you were once the Pastor of a Church there, and you came on very strong several years ago about the teachings of the Old Testament. It seems even your wife and family turned against you, and even your own congregation. Am I correct in what I have written. If so, please affirm this, and ask this group of people to pray for you and this very serious situation. If not please write if it is NOT correct. This is a group of people, that have several that will truly pray and intercede for your situation. I am one of those that will. Do not refuse to share and let us know. Sincerely, LaVaye Billings
You’re correct. My wife divorced me 2 years ago, which seemed the end of my life at first. But God used this to break down the last remains of me, so He could fill in the void with more of Him. Still, my wife sued me 2 years ago, but it took court upto last december to summon me, while we had all forgotten the case and there is even considerable reconciliation between my family and me. So this was a severe blow for me. Together with a serious kidneyproblem for my son (10 years old) and healthproblems for me this december was a very dark one for me. I think satan tried to get me to my knees by all this, but he failed: yes, I got to my knees, but not for him, but for our heavenly Father. At first it took me several nights without sleep, but by now my mind is quiet: if it is Gods will that I go to court, it will happen. If not, he will prevent it. This case has serious implications for my job, which I may loose. But He won’t leave me, I just have to trust Him and that is why I am at peace at the moment. But I do appreciate your prayers very much! It makes me feel a real part of the community, not a very distant relative…
Kees Brakshoofden, Yes, divorce seems among professionals to be listed # 2, after death in serious pain, and yet you have been allowed to learn from it, and perhaps even to have in due season favor from your wife, healing of the hurts for your children, and a valuable life for the Heavenly Father.
Now, with so many writing the past three days on Skip’s “very serious writings”, and many of the newer members who are the ones seemingly posting now, I am concerned about who has noticed your rather low key post concerning such serious needs. However; Skip appointed a young married lady, Amanda Youngblood to help in this area of letting members of Today’s Word write to her, and other members be able to interact with one another on thanksgiving for their joy in the Lord, and too post needs. She has been a member for years, and knows him and his wife, Roseanne all living in Florida. Unfortunately, I did not write down the Web site, and I can’t locate it on any of the format.
SOMEONE OUT THERE HAS AMANDA YOUNGBLOOD’S WEB SITE ESTABLISHED IN HER NAME FOR TODAY’S WORD MEMBER’S TO WRITE AND CONTACT HER AND ONE ANOTHER FOR TOUCHING REAL PEOPLE IN NEED FROM THIS. SKIP SAID HE WOULD NOT BE WRITING OR TAKING CHARGE OF IT THOUGH, IT WOULD BE AMANDA YOUNGBLOOD.
HELP OUT THERE, PLEASE PUT THE NEW WEBSITE UP FOR AMANDA YOUNGBLOOD TO POST & Receive WRITERS OF “TODAY’S WORD” ON PERSONAL THINGS FOR PRAYER ESPECIALLY.
KEES, AMERICANS IN GENERAL ARE NOT AS LOW KEY IN MOST AREAS AS EUROPEANS, AND British, etc. Should I say educated ones are more formal than Americans.
Truly, the Lord has and does often remind me to “Keep my mouth closed, and I believe told me not to be on “Facebook” or any of those things.”
Also, please read down the way on this what I wrote on this TW about “JOY”, with a few scriptures to zero in on “JOY”.
May you find GREAT FAVOR With your family and colleagues and return that favor to all you come in contact with from the garbage collectors to the JUDGE. Yes, my garbage collectors smile big as soon as they see me, as I yell something good to them about their work as they just keep on rolling down the street! Can you imagine what would happen in the cities, or even small towns, if they went on strike for a few weeks?
L.B. very far removed from the Netherlands and in the second largest state in U.S, TEXAS, we both can contact the Creator of the Universe in a very short period of time! WOW– ” Oh Lord, let Kees and his family have great favor from YOU!
Thank you, LaVaye! Question: I do not know what the expression AMERICANS IN GENERAL ARE NOT AS LOW KEY IN MOST AREAS AS EUROPEANS means. Could you please explain?
The Netherlands is not so very different from the States. We’ve got the same sins: abortion, euthanasia, gay marriage, etc. We’re a rich country, but not everyone profits. It’s a blessing to be free, but most people don’t know what to do with this freedom, so they abuse it. YHWH called me from an ultra dispensationalist ekklesia and last year I found a messianic group which is now my new home. What a blessing! So I’m not alone, but have this group at only 10 km from my home. That’s a difference: Holland is a very small but densly populated country. So everything is always nearby. Thank you for your prayers, I really appreciate it! Shalom!
Kees, that expression is a generalization, which is not meaning to formulate specific statements, expressions. I was just saying that the history I have grown up with was that the British, European people were not as loud, blunt, speaking out, as generally thought about most Americans. For example, you had a genuine real need, but wrote to Skip and encouraged him with more words than you used to barely, seemingly to me, mentioned about your own need. When Americans in general would be regularly letting everyone know their needs. So therefore, I was without spending too much time thinking how it read or sounded on paper, was encouraging you to let people that are in Today’s Word, that have the proper credentials from it, to make it known to others that would pray for you if they were aware of it. I am truly a firm believer in the power of prayer!
Kees, is the “ultra dispensationalist ekklesia” you came out of recently, the same as the Dutch Reformed Church in America, the one in New York as The Collegiate Reformed Church that exists today, and known as the oldest evangelical church in North America? Just curious, as it was written up in one of my Denominational Books. As stated, my motto, “Always one more thing to learn.”
L.B.
LaVaye, I don’t know what the churches in the US teach. Dutch Reformed Church sounds like a litteral translation of the (middle of the road) Nederlands Hervormde Kerk. My ekklesia was much more extreme: following Darby’s teaching of dispensations plus the universalist position that God is going to save all people in the end. In this vision Paul is the only apostle who writes for the gentiles. Their future is in heaven, while Israel will be a nation of priests on earth. That’s a kind of semi- or crypto-replacement theology. For some reason God opened my eyes for the Hebrew Roots of our faith and since that moment Scripture became one for me from genesis to revelation. It was a great blessing to have my eyes opened, but at the same time cost me everything. My complete family thinks I have lost it. Only this week one of them asked me how it felt playing Jew…. They simply cannot understand. But that’s ok, I have to be patient: I cannot make them see, only God can. Many of you must have similar experiences. When I speak with members of the new Hebrew Roots ekklesia I’m now a member of, they all have similar stories. This movement is growing rapidly in Holland. New ekklesia’s are starting all over the country. It’s such a blessing living a Torah lifestyle! Not half as difficult as I thought it would be, on the contrary: is a real joy! When I celebrate shabbat with my 10 year old son, we are dancing through the house on the sounds of Shabbat Shalom! He loves to light the candles. I should not be surprised that satan is trying to attack him with kidney problems, but I would rather have them myself…. Please pray for him, he’s been very ill in december, high fever (41 degrees Celcius) and dehydrated, had to be in hospital for a week, but a lot better by now. I see this courtcase as a test for my faith. I’ve done some bad things in the past, for which I have asked forgiveness to people an God. And I know that’s been granted to me. But I still have to face the legal consequences. If that’s what God wants to happen, that’s ok. If not, He will provide for a miracle. Either way: it is well with my soul, as the old hymn sayes.
I am a Nederlandse citizen,living in the Napa Valley, California, were I was raised since age 4. I am considering making a trip to the Netherlands this year and would love to have your contact information about fellowship while we are visiting. My family are spread out from the Friesland to Utrecht and s’Gravenhage. It would be wonderful to meet with Messianc believers.
Do you still speak Dutch? Probably not, for at 4 years old a language has not yet taken firm root. But I know there is a Hebrew Roots group in The Hague. I myself go to a group in Gouda, but there are dozens of groups throughout the country being formed as we speak. Most of them are so new, they are struggling to find ways how to be an ekklesia. There is no communication between them yet (except FaceBook), but given time, I think this moverment will find it’s way. Let me know if you come to Holland, maybe we can meet!
I do understand it ~ a bit rusty on speaking, never practiced writing it. I did live in Utrecht from 1981 – 1983, total immersion helps. Thanks for the exciting information about the growing Messianic communities ~ I fellowshipped in Bilthoven with a sabbath keeping church ~ Worldwide Church of God, pastored by Bram de Bree in the 80’s.
I would love to connect with you in Gouda ~ would be a nice place to share with the family. We love the kaas. Thanks, Pierann
Pierann, in a recently updated list there are about 50 Messianic housegroups and ekklesia’s in the Netherlands. Given the size of our country (200 by 100 miles) that’s a lot, although hardly enough for a country having 17 million inhabitants.
The web site is monitored by Amanda and Teresa. It was Teresa’s idea. It in a Yahoo group called, “I’ve been skipped.”
We are with you in our prayers for the break through to bring forth a miracle you need so much. Most of all, ABBA go before, and with you in your trials, and in this journey. . Amein!! Be strengthened and strong.
Shalom!
Thank you, Esther. Indeed: He grants me shalom!
Oh Skip. Thank you for this gift of a naked, mashed up heart.
When i heard you say, “My heart is still alive,” i lost it.
And so we remain.
Alive, and useable (even wondering how the heck it can be true),
for His will to be done on earth,
when, where, how, He chooses.
It is enough.
My heart is still alive, too.
IWas sitting here this Sabbath morning, feeling very melancholy, though not sure why. I just read your post, and though I would not have written your words, they all made sense to me. The fight, the wandering, being lost even though you “know” the path. What is the Purpose of this life? What about the future, what is its purpose? Who is God (YHVH), and what does He want of me? Is He truly Righteous and full of Love? In walking this path why do we feel so lost and alone? To Skip, i know we each sin. Maybe i dont understand your sins, but i dont believe that a Loving God would have us to live continually in self abasememt to keep us humble or Him appeased. I pray you (each of us) can find peace, i pray we find and fufill His Purposes in ou lives.
I needed this today Skip. Thank you for sharing. It’s hard for me to poor out my heart in writing. I do that better in person. That is one aspect of this cyber community that is difficult for me. I am one among many who struggles to express themselves in writing. But we are here, in the wings reading and deeply relating to your words. Thankfully I do have some great people in my life wanting to be community for each other. But we are still a long way from sharing with each other in deeply vulnerable ways. Possibly it’s a carry over from our “church” days where it was not OK to ask hard questions, wrestle with failure, weakness, fears… Last night in our gathering I felt like a lone weirdo sharing some of the provocative questions tormenting me. Someday I hope our little gathering will be able to take off some of the masks and be true. Until then TW’s like this one are helpful for me. They remind me I am not alone. And Skip, you are not alone.
Thank you for your honesty, it was both refreshing and encouraging for my husband and my self.
While I share in some of Skip’s lessons, I can also add the following questions concerning myself:
” who is following”?
” God asking at the end of my life: who did you bring with you”?
“why am I so critical?
I need to take confidence in that fact that:
1. From the JPS EXODUS xiii: …”He(God) is nevertheless deeply involved in human affairs. History( memory = faith), therefore is not a procession of causeless, undirected, meaningless happenings but is the deliberate, purposeful, unfolding plan of the divine intelligence.”
” The entire narrative( of Exodus) is God centered. God is the sole actor, the only initiator of events”
And 2. concerning the :” I feel lonely, I want a touch, a hug, I need, I struggle….”:
From Heschel, be upset and believe 🙂 –
In Hasidism there are 2 types of faith: intimate personal attachment to God and the other self-centeredness overcome. The first is a promise the second a challenge. The first is nurtured by wonder, song and poetry; the second initiates a process of self-scrutiny that can never end; there silence is the only refuge.”
Faith is the beginning of the end of egocentricity. “To have faith is to disregard self-regard.
The Talmud says: ” When Nebuchadnezzar, the mighty king of Babylonia, wanted to sing praises to God, an angel came and slapped him in the face.” Asked the Kotzker,” Why did he deserve to be slapped, if his intention was to sing God’s praises” He answered himself: “You want to sing praises while you are wearing your crown? Let me hear how you praise me after having been slapped in the face”
Though hey? But worth it!!
And as Skip said in his audio commentary on Who is Man:” the distance from gratitude to worship is short. the road from selflove/pity to worship nearly impossible.
Did I really say that? Thanks.
my interpretation of what you said – sometimes you say pretty cool stuff!! (.. ok, actually most of the times – difficult to understand and hard to do, but cool!)
Thank you, Luzette. For the slap in the face. Now, I can go be thankful!