Walking the Valley
How do I begin? This is one of the most difficult days for me. I am certainly becoming a part of the life of that Man of sorrow and grief. I remember a daily devotional from Oswald Chambers book. It said that we often find ourselves trying to hang on to the mountain top experiences with God. They are so uplifting and encouraging. But God intends us to walk in the valleys, not to skip from one mountaintop to the next. A week after my ascent to the heights on the flatlands of Texas, I find that I am close to the darkness of the valley of death.
Months ago I braced myself for the long road to recovery after our financial disaster. I believed then, and I still believe, that God used that event to re-order my life. I do not regret His handiwork at all. I have learned so much about Him as I turned away from that life of piling up possessions without purpose. I would not trade to have it back.
But as the months crept along, the reality of our situation peeled away any optimism concerning recovery. Then we endured a series of additional blows. Our condo in the Caribbean was damaged by a once-in-a-lifetime earthquake. We have no money to repair it. Unknown tax issues with a partnership in New York may involve us in even more losses. Every attempt we have made to start new businesses has failed. Even my web site, the home of all of the work that I have produced on Biblical teaching, has been in the hands of one programmer failure after another. Today, as I drove to meet my wife in Apopka, the tears would not stop. I cried to the Lord,
“Father, I know that Your hand is on my life. I know that You have the power to make of this what You want. But, Father, I am crushed. I have nothing left to give. There is no more in me to keep going. I know I should be rejoicing in Your care, but my emotions are flooded with darkness. I am falling apart in front of You. I don’t think I can go on life this. I know You promised peace and You promised protection, but on every side I am battered. I am attacked even from within myself. I have nothing more but the feeble attempts to escape this horror. And I know it is nothing to You. You own the flocks on a thousand hills. But my plate is so empty. What more do You want from me, Lord?”
I drove, cried, drove, prayed, drove, and cried some more. The valley of the shadow of death was right there, in the middle of the Florida Turnpike. I could see the EXIT sign, even though my eyes were filled with tears.
I recent days I have been working on a study of that great passage in Philippians chapter 4. I want to send it to everyone I know as my Christmas present this year. It is a work of the heart, far better a gift than something I could buy. I was reminded of those words, words that I had just yesterday probed for their hidden power.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving.”
They were so hard to say now. I could feel the pressure against my face as though a cold hand was draining life from me. I don’t think I have ever felt so discouraged. Just a week ago I stood before all of you, sharing from my heart the power of His words. Now I needed them to be a present reality to me. I was struggling with more than money. This was my life on the line. My desire to do His will was being challenged. I was the man of Romans 7, crying out to God, “Who will deliver me from the terrible conflict raging in my soul that is trying to break my will to live for Him?”
I reached the exit to Route 441, wiped the tears and found my way to the Walgreen’s parking lot where my wife was waiting. She never knew that I had just driven through the Valley of the Shadow to get to her. She went on her way, waving good-bye. I turned home.
“There is more to do, more to come. The road goes on”, he said. “Just follow me.”
Skip Moen
16 December 2003
