Chasing Rainbows
But when Simon Peter saw that, he fell down at Jesus’ feet, saying, “Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man, O Lord!” Luke 5:8
Go Away – Simon understood at least this much. The man before him had powers that only God could grant. It scared him. All Jesus did was cause Simon’s boat to be swamped with a huge catch of fish. Jesus didn’t heal anyone, feed thousands or raise someone from the dead. That was yet to come. But Simon knew that his man, Jesus, had some kind of special connection to God – and that was enough to convict him of his separation from God. So, Simon says, “Depart from me.” Don’t come close. Why? Because the closer you come, the more I feel the anguish of my sinfulness.
If you read the gospels from Simon’s point of view, you will soon discover that he spends the rest of his acquaintance with Jesus trying to draw closer – and every time he takes a step toward Jesus, he is confronted with a wider and wider gap between himself and his Master.
The Greek text uses the verb exerchomai. Literally, it means “to come out, to go out – to exit from.” But Simon spoke the verb yatsa’, a Hebrew word that means, “to leave an area.” It’s quite interesting that the idiom, yatsa’ lev (literally, “the heart goes out”) means “to be worried, anxious or distressed.” That is precisely what happened to Simon. His heart went out, and all he could think about was asking the source of his anxiety to go away.
Something ironic happens when we pursue intimacy with the Lord. The closer we draw to Him, the wider the chasm between us becomes. It’s like chasing the rainbow. The faster I pursue the beauty in those droplets, the faster it moves beyond my grasp. As I draw closer and closer to the Lord, I see the depth of my sin more clearly. I realize that I am a sinful man, not worthy to be in His presence. I can only fall to my face and say, “Lord, depart from me. The very fact that you are close only illuminates my ugliness.”
Of course, the irony is two-fold. First, it is that our pursuit widens the gap instead of closing it. And second, the divine irony is that no gap is too wide that Jesus cannot cross it. The moment I see the tragic ungodliness deep within me, in that same moment I find Jesus standing right beside me, looking at my unworthiness and embracing it.
If you are going to pursue Jesus, you will come closer and closer to your true self – the one that hates God and loves the dark. That is terrifying. Most of us avoid that place like the plague, because that is just what it is, a lethal disease. But Jesus came to close the gap precisely where it is most hideous. If you haven’t let Him embrace you there, then you have never let Him heal the plague that resides in the depths of your heart. You are still chasing rainbows, hoping to catch up to His beauty. Turn the other way. Look into the dark and you will find Him, right where He needs to heal you.
