Piling Up

Written many years ago, sometimes it’s good to reflect on past experiences.

These days I am having to learn lessons about acceptance.  It is February in New Jersey.  We are having the worst winter anyone around here can remember.  My car is stuck in the ice (and had been for some days now).  Schools are closed (and have been quite regularly).  Business has ground to a halt – no one is in.  This is the second month of sub zero wind chills.  The second month of constant shoveling.  The second month of astronomical heating bills, no salt, no sand.  It is the era of cabin fever.

I try to work.  The kids are constantly underfoot, being kids bored with life, unable to do what they want to do (go outside).  So they find ways to antagonize each other.  They succeed in exasperating me.  Television is pathetic, even when the cable is working.  We have seen every Disney video twenty times.

My wife is home from the office.  The telephone rings constantly.  Is she there?  Just one more call and I’ll watch the kids for awhile, I hear.  Twenty five minutes of conversation, one minute of baby-sitting, another ring.  So it goes.  I would rather she brave the impassable roads and go to the office.  I am exhausted trying to keep the kids occupied and away from her at the same time.  I give up every expectation of getting anything done on my agenda.

At least I can do the household fix up chores.  It seems like a burst of inspiration.  But the nineteen month old keeps picking up the screwdriver, the four year old wants to hammer.  I put it down.  I’ll just read.  The littlest one decides that reading would be great – as long as I am reading to her.  I sit and stare blankly at the ESPN channel, watching the women do step aerobics.  Only six more weeks until the thaw.  Could life get more pathetic?

God must have known that we would have days like these.  I am reminded of a host of phrases which seem so impossible now.  “In everything give thanks”, “all things work together for good”, “Rejoice evermore”, “This is the day that the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it”.  All those wonderful, positive expressions seem so barren at the moment.  They don’t not speak comfort to me.  If anything, they convict me for I am not rejoicing, I’m not giving thanks, I’m not glad.  I want to say to God, “Wait a minute.  You can do anything you want to.  You can take care of all of these trying circumstances with just a whisper.  But what about me?  I’m here, stuck in the ice with two kids, no car, bored, frustrated, angry.  How come I have to go through this stuff day after day?”

I don’t get verbal responses.  It’s probably a good thing.  I would most likely interpret a verbal answer as a sure sign that I had finally gone crazy from all this frustration.  Instead I find that I am reminded of some of the basics of my beliefs.  I hear Paul saying to me, “to know him and the fellowship of his suffering” is all that matters.  I hear James reminding me that I need to “count it all joy when” I fall into attitude temptations.  I remember Jesus’ teaching about the sparrows.  And then I think of the one who saved me from my ego filled attitudes.  Jesus.  Did he have it so easy?  Forget the crucifixion.  What about just ordinary life?  Didn’t he have to deal with cuts and bruises?  Didn’t he encounter traveling woes?  Didn’t he face unsympathetic people demanding of him?  Didn’t he experience interruptions and distractions?  Didn’t he have to manage conflicting relationships?  And didn’t he do it, without ever losing his proper attitude toward who God His father is.  “Give us this day, our daily bread”.  Is that just a request for this day’s provisions, or is it also part of the plea for spiritual nourishment?  Not living by bread alone must mean asking for what we need today for all of our sustenance.  And today God has given me snow, ice, children, interruptions, an unplanned agenda.  As part of my required nourishment.  As something that I need from Him to grow.

That thought challenges my attitude.  Maybe it isn’t my wife or the weather or the kids or whatever else comes my way today that I need to work on.  The fact is that these things hardly ever seem to change and certainly they do not change because I try to make them different.  The only thing that really affects my circumstances is me.  I can change only one thing – who I am.

Sometimes it takes a reminder.  God seems to accomplish that part of the process quite efficiently.  I get a phone call from someone in Minnesota.  He laughs at my complaints about the weather.  It’s 32 below zero there.  Some else calls from California.  The earthquake has changed his commute from 30 minutes to 6 hours.  My four year old greets me as I walk into the kitchen and, unprompted, tells me that I am his best Dad.  Could I color with him, please?  If I let myself see reality instead of my projections, life is simply what it is – a time and place for adjustments, gratitude and grace.

God, grant me the strength to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

One day at a time.