Looking for the Love of My Life
207,557 people on Facebook viewed the offer of the “spiritual bracelet for men,” a hand woven bracelet that “promotes feelings of spiritual well-being.”
I find that fact disheartening. Imagine what kind of “feeling of spiritual well-being” would be fostered if these 207,557 people gave $1 a month to the efforts to rescue children from abuse or disease. Imagine if these 207,557 people each did one kind deed a day for the next year. No, I’m afraid that they would rather seek some non-involved way of fostering spiritual well-being for themselves. The horrific assumption of this offer is that I can find spiritual well-being apart from acts of ḥesed.
This brings me to a common subject. It begins with a question similar to the assumption of the offer for this “amazing” bracelet. “Why shouldn’t I get what I need out of the relationship I seek with some other special person?” Bear with my comments and observations:
1. The idea of romantic love, invented in the Enlightenment and perpetrated by this culture, is false. It is worse than false. It is a lie – a powerful, seductive lie that twists relationships into contractual (spoken or unspoken) exchange agreements. Rather than finding a partner whom we can serve with delightful enrichment, we look for someone who can serve us! And the predictable result is that we find what we are looking for – self-serving inwardly focused narcissism – only to discover that the one we thought would be so invested in us isn’t what we wanted – because the focus has always been on what WE wanted, not what we are able to give.
2. God does not punish us for these mistakes. We take care of that by ourselves. There are consequences for every action – even if we think we can avoid them, delay them or modify them. So, choosing to measure our relationships by what they do for us has consequences. The scars of guilt, the wounds of lost trust, the remorse of life not given away, the pangs of constant fear of rejection. It is an unfortunate consequence of living that we often don’t realize these things until many years afterward. Then it is too late to repair the damage. Since we ignore the advice of those who have already suffered such errors in judgment, believing, of course, that their mistakes do not apply to us, we march blindly toward our self-serving goals, not recognizing the eternal wreckage we leave along the way.
3. In the end, life is about friendship. Loves come and go. Friends last. The reason they last is because we make a commitment to them regardless of their behavior. Of course, sometimes the behavior destroys the friendship, but that should never happen because we caused it. Since friendship is the real objective, making friends is the paramount goal of relationship management. It is an inevitable and unfortunate consequence of human behavior that sexual attraction often interferes with this goal, altering a friendship into an exchange for common self-serving benefit. But the bottom line is this: until you make a friend of the one you wish to love, and keep that friendship, you have nothing more than a series of self-seeking encounters. The end of the road of self-seeking is loneliness – a deep sense of never actually being loved for who you are, of being unacceptable as you are. This is almost never the result of the other person’s inability to love. It is almost always the result of our unwillingness to seek the best for the other person even at our own expense. In other words, if you have experienced loss in important relationships, there is a very good chance the cause is your own desire to make the relationship meet your needs rather than acting as if the relationship is an opportunity for you to serve and whatever way possible the needs of the other. Friendship is the solution, not romance. Where romance breeds pseudo-friendship, self-seeking brings broken hearts. In order to be loved, one must first be a friend – and a friend never gives up caring for the other person.
4. Friends are friends even if they don’t agree. Lovers become enemies when they don’t agree. You can measure the degree of your friendship with another person by your willingness to honor his or her life even when you disagree. Exchange relationships are built on the necessity to receive equal value. Friendship doesn’t care.
5. In the end, marriage should be the common union of two deeply committed friends. When it is not, it is simply a convenient barter agreement. If your marriage now has the characteristics, however subtle, of a barter exchange, then you must decide to make the other person your best friend – or face the inevitable consequences in #1 above. You can do this. It is not that much different than making any other person a friend. But to do this you must stop counting! If you find that you are acting in ways that would not promote friendship with anyone else, you must stop doing what you are doing no matter what the cost. In the end, all that you give up is seeking your own ends – and of what value is that if you end up alone?
6. Real marriage is commitment, not love. Love (not romance) comes as a result of a lifetime commitment. Love is the end of marriage, not the beginning. Love must be developed, nurtured, cultivated for a long, long time before one day you look around and say, “I guess I really do love her.” Love is longevity. Romance is fireworks. And fireworks explodes into nothing but the dark night.
Comments appreciated.
Skip,
I just had a good long conversation with my wife about this topic this very night. This post feels as if you wrote it directly to me. You and this community not only keep me digging for truth, but you also give me healthy gut checks that come straight from God. I am humbled and greatful to be part of something so vibrant and uplifting. God uses you in profound ways that you will probably will never know. Thank you for being faithful to the ways of the Lord. Keep preaching from the cyber mountaintop, because it is bearing good fruit. This is confirmation of the Lord’s hand in my life.
Thanks,
Ricky
Abraham Maslow talked about the self-actualized person that loves not for what one gets out of it but just because of love. Do I love Hashem not for what He can do for me or just because of Who He is? Is my praying mostly asking for my needs to be met or do I revel in His presence and enjoy His companionship? Grant this Lord!
Thank you Skip for your contribution to my formation.
Shalom
Yah taught me these things that you listed through bitter experience…… but being the merciful and gracious Yah that he is he restored and renewed me. Over 8 years ago after a divorce I felt that I would remain alone for the rest of my days ….but Yah gave me a word not long after. He would bring the right one and restore the years the locust had eated. Almost 7 years after that word at 60, I met my new husband 65 an Ethiopian Flasha in November last year and we are perfectly matched friends – his love for Yah and experience of testings and trials match mine and so we have learned many lessons from our past and the most important lesson……..to lay down our lives for each other….wow it really works! Older and from different cultures Yah has being showing us that He transcends all that and when he is the matchmaker and we follow his example our union is both blessed and an blessing to others. Eight months down the road we still cannot believe that we were given each other. Yah is faithful and so gracious to give me such a friend/husband. In fact I would say that I never known such love and friendship before…..life really can begin a 60!! (smile).
Skip -mislaid email re donation due to internet problem please re send. Ta Christine
CHRISTINE, I AM SO JOYED BY YOUR 60 YEAR EXPERIENCE FOR I AM 59 & HOLDING/WAITING FOR THAT SPECIAL FRIEND/MAN OF GOD… THIS GIVES ME ENCOURAGEMENT FOR SURE… ♥ jan
“Love is longevity. Romance is fireworks. And fireworks explodes into nothing but the dark night.”
Hi Skip,
Just to play the devil’s advocate, one could argue that fireworks are fun, but longevity is not
And that marriage in the Western world is typically based upon “romantic” attraction
And because it very often ends in divorce, maybe the arranged marriage of the Eastern world
Actually makes more sense
When the romance comes to an end, we must learn to love our partner in any case
And parents are probably better suited to judge long-term compatibility than twenty year olds
When I think of romance I tend to associate it with the “courtly love” of the Medieval world
And think of Catholicism as opposed to the Protestant ethic and the “spirit of capitalism”
Romance is definitely not rational, but there is something about it that seems divine
SKIP, I AGREE WITH ALL YOU STATE/TYPE ABOVE & IT SADDENS ME THAT MEN ARE SO ATTRACTED TO 20 & 30 SOMETHING’S WHEN THEY ARE IN THEIR MIDDLE 50’S & OLDER – SO MUCH EYE CANDY & SO MUCH FAKERY ATTRACTS A MAN & THEY CAN BE ENTICED & SEDUCED BY SUCH FOR A LONG LONG TIME – BUT THE SPELL CAN BE BROKEN BY PRAYER & REVELATION & ENLIGHTENMENT FROM THE HOLY SPIRIT & THAT IS WHAT I AM PRAYING FOR – UNHOLY SOUL TIES BASED ON LOOKS & CHEMICAL FLESHLY ATTRACTION TO BE BROKEN IN JESUS’ NAME – SO SAD FOR BOTH PARTIES BUT THAT IS THE WAY THE “WORLD” WORKS NOT GOD/JESUS/HOLY SPIRIT. jan
BTW: FAMILY HERE…
I STARTED A NEW ASSIGNMENT YESTERDAY & ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT – AT LEAST THE FIRST DAY. THIS POSITION & ENTITY/OKLAHOMA TAX COMMISSION & THE WOMEN ARE SO NICE – HOPEFULLY I HAVE FOUND MY NICHE FOR A WHILE… THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS & NOW HOPEFULLY I WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE MY AUGUST HOUSE PAYMENT & PAY MY UTILITY BILLS… GOD IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL TO ME & HAS NEVER ABANDON ME IN ALL THESE TRIALS SINCE THE LOSS OF MY JOB 10.13.2010.
jan
Congratulations Jan. So happy to hear the good news.
Thank you Lord for hearing Jan’s prayers and for sending her this perfect job.
“MEN ARE SO ATTRACTED TO 20 & 30 SOMETHING’S WHEN THEY ARE IN THEIR MIDDLE 50′S & OLDER”
Hi Jan,
I’m glad to hear that you have a new job and LOVE it!
Regarding the 20 – 30 somethings, my guess is that desire is embedded in our unconscious mind
Our first love object, and first impression of our mother, is typically of a 20 – 30 something
Women go through a more complicated process, transferring that original desire to a father
Maybe women become a bit more conscious of their choices (adult) in the process 🙂
Thanks so much. This is just what I needed to hear. I am in my second marriage and, guess what, its not working. I have been talking to my sister for a couple of years now saying, “I think we got the wrong idea of what marriage is supposed to be,” but I was too proud to change. Still begging my husband to take me out, spend time with me, include me in your life, etc. etc. – looking for that romantic love that escapes me. It’s all about me. I tried to change but could not. I just recently started reading your blog entry from 2008 on The Grammar of Love, and it is very timely. My reading of that and this comes at the perfect, God directed time when once again, after 15 years the first time and 17 years the second time, things are just not working for me and I am lonely and miserable. I cry and moan and groan and beg God for change but no change yet. Now I know why. Ouch! and praise God. I said to my fiancee at the beginning of round two, marriage is about giving, not getting, but when he did not seem to be giving once the knot was tied, I quit. Hmmm. Not God’s kind of love. We buy into the Hollywood scene much more quickly than what Scripture says. I covet your prayers and thank you for being God’s servant and not seeking to simply tickle our ears.
Isn’t this “right down your alley?”
Everyone has a great need, a passion for “friendship.”
“Friend”
Origin: before 900; Middle English friend, frend, Old English frēond friend, lover, relative (cognate with Old Saxon friund, Old High German friunt ( German Freund ), Gothic frijōnds ), orig. present participle of frēogan, cognate with Gothic frijōn to love
Jesus, Lover of My Soul, let me to Thy bosom fly!
What a Friend we have in Jesus all our sins and griefs to bear..
Words (believe it not!) have meaning. Is “is” what it is.
~ There is a Friend who is closer than a brother! ~ (Proverbs 18.24)
and Who would this Friend be? None other than Christ Himself. For He has said, “I (Myself) will come to you.” (John 14.18) A Friend is Someone who will never walk out on us or abandon us- and Who (again) has promised ~ I AM with you always? ~ (Matthew 28.20) – It is the LORD. Our (ever, always) Faithful (blood-covenant) Friend.
There is a book (oh boy!- another book!) – aren’t our shelves “full- enough” already? lol! Yes, – we have books on top of books. But this wonderful “top-shelf” book is “Friendship: The Master Passion” and the author is H. Clay Trumbull.
In the words of our Messiah:
~ I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete. “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another. ~ (John 15.11-17)
Christianity is not a “religion,” but a relationship and that relationship is the blood-covenant relationship of intimate “Friendship.” I am and you are, just as our Father Abraham was “the friend of God.” Allow me please to quickly add to this, before the mind starts it’s wild imaginings,- He calls me friend, but I will ever “bow the knee” to Him as my ADONAI/LORD Jesus, Lover of my soul.
There is no deeper relationship, none more intimate than that of “friendship.” This word “friend” has become corrupted and has faded over the centuries and in our incredibly shallow culture. We glibly, lightly say, “Oh, he (or she) is a friend of mine,” without having a clue as to the depth of the very word “friend.”
So what is a “friend?” – What do the scriptures say? lol!- Plenty.
David and Jonathan were “friends.” But they were so much more than someone on a “buddy list.” These two entered into a “blood-covenant” relationship with one another and their “souls” were knit together- joined into intimate union. “Is there any left of the house of Saul that I may show him kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” “Kindness” (or lovingkindness- chesed) is a covenant word. And as David has rightly said, “Your “lovingkindness” is better than life! Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus!
What does it mean to be a a blood-covenant relationship with someone? Oh Hallelujah- this, this is what “marriage” is all about! The two become one flesh- one mind, one spirit. And we (now) have the mind of Christ! (1 Corinthians 2.16) In marriage, everything (everything) I am and have belongs to her and everything (everything) she is and has belongs to me. Total “ownership” and union with each other. Intimate, intimate blood- covenant union. How shall my tongue describe it? – Where shall it’s praise begin?
This, this is why marriage is sacred. This is why adultery or fornication is wrong. This is the union Christ has with His church, His bride. This is the new testament, the new covenant in His blood. We (who are His) are truly bought with a price, the blood of the Lamb- the blood of our Covenant Friend. Oh, if we only knew.
Yes, we are Mephibosheth, lame in both our feet, but sitting, eating, enjoying the fellowship, the provision of the King’s Table, ONE greater than David, ONE greater than Moses, ONE greater than Solomon- the Lion of the tribe of Judah, ONE whose praises we will sing forever. ~ I (too) will sing of the (blood-covenant) mercies (hesed) of the LORD, forever! ~
H. Clay Trumbull has written another book, also to be on “the list” of must reads. It is “The Blood Covenant.” Universally accepted as the highest form of contractual agreement between two humans, it is far more, – far more than a “piece of paper.” We have become so shallow in our understanding. We have no depth left in us. Nothing left but tweets and blurbs and blogs. How “friendship” has deteriorated into the shallow level of “acquaintance.”
O the pure delight of a single hour
That before Thy throne I spend,
When I kneel in prayer, and with Thee, my God
I commune as friend with Friend!
There are depths of love that I cannot know
Till I cross the narrow sea;
There are heights of joy that I may not reach
-Till I rest in peace with Thee.
~ Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded ~ (James 4.8)
~ Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest ~ (Matthew 11.28)
Brother Skip- this man could not agree more. Double-up amen!- on this one. It is Friendship. Now before we go chasing off into the dark night asking “what about romance?”- Don’t leave romance out in the cold because here is (again) the “good news!” It is the gospel (good news) of Friendship!
If I had the power, the authority, the wherewithal to force everyone reading these words to read this book: “Friendship, The Master Passion,”- I would do so. The author is H. Clay Trumbull. Ladies, this man is well aware of your need to be “romanced” and so is God, your Maker and Provider and (Yes) everlasting Friend.
After reading this I think this is a very Hebrew way of looking at things. Greek is always self indulging. Raised in an Italian home we are more Hebrew in thought. We are always into the relationships, the interactions and conversation. We don’t feel complete without our other half, but society keeps saying then we must have emotional problems!! It’s always the journey together, what are WE going to do in most every situation and bouncing everything off one another. We always speak in terms of ‘we’ but we still remain individual and celebrate our uniqueness. There is no lording over one another. Chivalry was alive and well under my fathers care. Women are cherised and often my dear old dad today at 86 will say ‘without women we men would still live in caves.’ My parents were both lovers and best friends. They had attraction in the beginning or they would not have been together at all, but they equally had commitment. There is a fine art in balancing the three. I recently told my love God put it on my heart that if your relationship is blah and lacks closeness it is like being thirsty. In Greek thinking I think I’m thirsty and it must be your fault. I no longer desire you so it must be over. Time to look at other fish in the sea. But, you are only thirsty because you haven’t been pouring anything into the glass. When we are committed we get up each day and walk over to the glass and fill it so that everyone in the house will be refreshed, especially your partner. If everyone in the house pours into the glass unselfishly every day, the cup will be running over. My parents were never in it for what they could get out of it solely. The cup ran over and spilled onto everyone in their path. They were married 60 years until my mother passed away and everyone who knew them marveled at the love and devotion they had for one another and then together, for others. Even we their children would have to find them at their special rendezous places. They met each other every afternoon at 3:00 for coffee. If someone wanted to find them they had to know the new location. Everyone in town knew them because they were together so often and like a ray of sunshine when they entered a store or a home. And they had date night every Friday up until the end (she died at 83) Even during her long Alzheimers struggle, my adoring father was there every day feeding, reading, helping her do exercises, encouraging her to talk, and serving her until her last breath. In the end she forgot who everyone was except my father. At times she would forget his name but she always called him ‘my King’ and he always called her ‘my Queen.’ That she said until the day she died.
that is so beautiful ! thanks for sharing. Just made me cry tears of joy 🙂
Skip,
This is so true. I remember years ago when attending a YWAM base in South Africa, a guy by the name of Dean Sherman taught on relationships. I remember his radical statement at the beginning, that “Love is a Choice and not a Feeling” shocked everyone at the offset. But it has rung so true after all these years. It dovetails with what you say that when you start a relationship, it is a “Choice of Commitment” — to give first (and subsequently receive). If our goal is to build and edify and respect our mate, we will reap the rewards in the end. I have been married for 26 years, and I can truly vouch that it has been the most rewarding, blessed experience of my earthly life outside of my relationship with my Elohim.
Thank you so much for this post.
Shalom.
Isn’t it amazing. I knew Dean Sherman in those days too.
I have moved, immigrated to the U.S. and brought with me a shoebox with 19 cassette tapes with his teachings. I have not listened to them in years, but kept a Casette Player – just in case!! How sentimental can one be? LOL
Yes! Yes and Amen brother Carl. Too soon old and too late smart. Praise the Loed for His mercy and grace!
LORD!
thankyou skip for this brief but detailed explanation on love, iam forwarding it to all myfriends especially my married friends. I know they will all be blessed as I have been by this reminder on the true mea ning of love. god bless u as you share.
Dear Skip…….
In a ideal world what you said was true……We are to consider others as important as ourselves, to become good friends…….I have been a mother and wife…….I have also encountered gross domestic violence……whether it be physical battering or psychological/economic, the abuse is the same…….it knows no boundaries, believer and non-believer alike, rich and not rich…….I have known countless beautiful serving women who have placed great trust in Yeshua and are degraded, demeaned and are spoken to harshly (violently) and perhaps repeatedly physically assaulted……the religious order tells these women to stay, studies show these men will probably never change save a miracle touch from Yeshua…..In our culture the stats are that in 95% of these situations the man is the abuser and 5% for women (the extreme being Sharia la)…….For marriage to work you must have two reasonably emotionally healthy people who respect one another for a start and have a true desire for a real friendship and a commitment that turns into a lifetime……In our culture women have become a source of entertainment, much credit given to the “Playboy Magazine Mentality” entertainment for Men…..The criteria for healthy relationships has become a complex issue…….
I agree completely and I would never advocate that a woman stay in a marriage that is abusive without change over time. But I was writing about INTROSPECTIVE assessment, not outward evaluation of the OTHER’S behavior. So, my advice is the same except it is directed toward the MAN who is abusive. He must comes to terms with the source of his tyranny. In the end, such relationships are always self-serving and that is what must be addressed.
Skip…good grief that’s a hammering you just gave me. Now that I’m picking myself up off of the floor, I’m seeing truth. Thank you for the holy smack down. 🙂
Hit the nail on the head! Amazing!!! Dumbfounded!! Thanks for sharing this.
That was so good! Thank you for that so much! I just had to share it with friends!
very well stated, Skip. Timothy Keller’s new book on Marriage fleshes out these exact ideas, and is well worth the read. Regards, Nancy Spencer
For years I have told my bride that she is my best friend. With her support and frienship I can be a better man
Check out this short video clip and see if Papa Anderson isn’t reflecting Skip’s point. http://youtu.be/1wQyDiC7e-o
Roderick, what an awesome clip. Now I have to go watch the entire movie. 🙂
I love classic movies; better scripts and better acting.