Dead Tired
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death. Psalm 13:3 ESV
The sleep of death – I just can’t sleep. I lie down. My thoughts will not turn off. I even take sleeping pills. Nothing. All night long I fight with vaporous creatures, invisible in the dark. I am dead tired. What is happening to me? Why do you not let me rest, my Lord? Is this the sleep of death? To be awake without relief?
David is more than distressed. “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” He knows that relief comes only from God, but when? When will it come? “How long will You hide Your face from me?” How long can David and I survive without the voice of the Lord, without an answer from our God?
Steve Brown told me once that he never doubts the sovereignty of God, but he does doubt God’s benevolence. I am also quite sure that God is in charge, but there are times when it seems that He is in charge of nothing more than sorrow and pain. “How long, O Lord, will You withhold Your mercies?” Must we sleep the sleep of death before we will see Your face? Must we suffer here while You tend to heavenly matters? Would that we could sleep with real rest for our souls. But no, the pain doesn’t end when the eyes close unless You answer.
The Hebrew text actually doesn’t say, “lest I sleep the sleep of death.” It says, “or else I sleep the death.” To sleep death seems scant reward for waiting for God. ha-maveth covers the ground around the grave. Death, disease, dying, epidemic, plague; a host of malevolent terms all leading to decay. But how can this be when Ezekiel assures us that God desires life (Ezekiel 18:32) and promises to overcome death? Where is God when it hurts just to be alive?
What am I to do now, at 3AM, pleading for just a moment of relief? What did David do? He sang to the Lord. He remembered days of mercy past. He trusted in hesed (verse 5). Frankly, what else is there? If God is truly in charge of my universe, then He has His purposes. I don’t see them, but He must. I don’t understand His will. I can’t understand His will. It seems contrary to compassion, barren of benevolence, pointless in purpose. Qohelet offers me meager scraps when he suggests that all that is left is obedience.
“Help me, my God! Let some small glance of Your eye rest on me. Rest on me. Yes, that’s what I need. Rest.”
Or I die.
Topical Index: death, maveth, sleep, Psalm 13:3
Hi Skip, Thank you for sharing.Myself and the few I fellowship with all feel the same.I took a little comfort after reading Isaiah 62 in the NICOT commentary by John Oswalt which said “The people of God,Zion/Jerusalem are in HIs hand i.e.in his care and under his control.But they are not in his hand as slaves or lumps of wood or stone.They are as a priceless possession,a thing of delight,honour and beauty.” In fact he desires to let ashes give way to beauty and deprivation to abundance. Other promises are to the “Desolate” becoming” Married”. “The message is that it is only possible when the people surrender their foolish desire to exalt themselves, with the human destruction that this desire entails; entrust themselves to God;receive his free grace,made available to them through the Servant;and accept his commission to become his witnesses(servants)in the world.” I hope this will encourage you a little my precious brother. Shalom Mary Boardman
Skip, no doubt your honesty will unnerve some folks. But you are identifying with the same (or similar) pain of the psalmist. We live in a culture that doesn’t encourage such deep introspection or brutal honesty, yet scripture is full of it. One of the greatest breakthroughs that I experienced in my marriage was when I gave my wife permission to express all her negative emotions. and my reason for that was the fact that David could do that to God and have it published for eternity as Scripture!
The hardest thing, it seems, that we who are seeking the Father’s face experience, is His silence when we so desperately need an answer from Him. Yeshua promised that when we ask the Father for something we need He will surely give it to us, just as an earthly father will give his son bread, and not a stone, when asked. Why did Yeshua throw in that odd statement – “not a stone”? Is he hinting that at times it will look and feel as if we are getting a stone instead of bread? Why the parable of the unjust judge? Is that another hint that at times the Father will look and feel like that’s exactly what He is? And why the promise that He will answer speedily, without hesitation, when it sure doesn’t look and feel that way? Yeshua’s assurances of the Father’s benevolence must’ve been given for that very reason – because it would look and feel, at times, exactly the opposite. The question of Yeshua’s at the end of that parable has always haunted me – “When the son of man returns, will he find faith on the earth?” It sounds to me like his people will be tested to the limit right before his return, probably much like his disciples were at the time of his crucifixion.
But the one who interceded for Peter – “I have prayed for you that your faith would not fail” – is also interceding for us. And we know that he has experienced the exact same things that we go through. Yes, even the horrible experience of the Father’s absence; no, the Father’s abandonment. Thank God we will never have to experience that (though it may feel like it at times)!
A final thought. Do you think the experiences and emotions that go with these experiences that we are given (or allowed) are so that we can grow in our understanding and appreciation (i.e empathize with) the Father Himself, and thereby grow in intimacy with Him? Because, as you have pointed out, Skip, God certainly has emotions, much deeper and more encompassing than ours will ever be. He created us for intimacy, and to become more intimate with Him must surely include sharing emotions with Him, both the “positive” ones and the “negative” ones.
Very interesting word for the day Skip….and I would venture to say that it applies to so many on so many levels…and those nights that we toss and turn in our sleep, reliving scenes in the recesses of our sleeplessness over and over, and then walk around during the day in such a foggy daze wondering what is going on, we again face that proverbial crossroad….
Do we stop at that fork in the road….gaze at the path that goes so easily downhill? We know we can quickly stumble down that path, but we know – it will be the last thing we see…. But it would be so fast, so easy -to give in to what almost every fiber in our fleshly body wants to do – plop ourselves down along the side of the road, breathe a long last sigh and just give up once and for all. Do we take that last breath and relish in the ‘stopping’ and close our eyes and go to the sleep of death? It will at least be over…the pain gone – the soul asleep.
Or … do we fix our eyes on the pathway that leads up….as difficult and as rocky and twisting as far as the eye can see … and know without a doubt that THIS direction leads towards the final goal? That road is difficult…full of hidden twists and turns and testings. We know that. That road, if traveled, leads to raw emotions, the highest highs and lowest lows…but in the END… yes, in the END….true shalom – the kind of all encompassing peace and rest above all other emotions. It’s a promise worth considering.
Pam. I’ve been to that proverbial fork in the road and took it. I plopped down, gave in, gave up and closed my eyes and sighed my last and don’t you know I didn’t sleep the sleep of death, nor did the pain go away…it wasn’t over. To paraphrase: “It’s not over till we
(not the fat lady) sing”. That song will be the “new song ” of the 144,000 of Revelation 14, sung to a new tune, with our new name and a new home. Behold ALL things have become new!
So, for some of us a level road is the best we can manage for now. Our eyes avoid looking up that “difficult and rocky and twisting as far as the eye can see” path and reject the notion that THIS “difficult road full of hidden twists and turns and testings” is the only road that leads towards the goal of Shalom.
Some of us ARE tired, even dead tired. So if you see us slacking, hacking or napping- let us be (for now, at least). YHWH sees us too and His promise of getting us to the goal line is just as sure as to those who win every battle, defeat every foe and climb that mountain with dogged determination or with seeming ease, style and gracefulness which I admire, yet despise. Ploddingly yours, Michael
I went through 5 years of insomnia and ended up learning more from that than just about any other life experience. Chief among these lessons was my need for a humility that only comes from God. The book of Job supplies us with answers to these questions about suffering, but we don’t want to hear those answers because they fly in the face of how we think a Father God should be.
As far as I can see scripture tells us there are 2 primary reasons for the Church. One is for the Church to be prepared and given as a spotless Bride to the Lamb. There other reason is found in Ephesians 3:10. This verse says that the Church exists as a demonstration to principalities and powers concerning Gods wisdom. This tells us that the Church exists for a reason apart from its own benefit. We are not permitted to know the specifics of this reason … only to know that this demonstration IS important to God.
Just like Job, we endure hardships we can find no good reason for, unless we see that a demonstration of Gods wisdom is in play. Just as Job stayed finally learned He had nothing to bring to the table, so the Father is looking for those who will only receive His Life, and love Him unconditionally. Of course receiving this Life can only happen after we have reached the Romans 7 Wretched man that I am state, after which we see the only solution is to humble ourselves completely before a God we will never understand on this side of eternity. This humility is the foundation of everything God will give to us, and work in us. Without this God given humility, any “good” thing we build will fall because it was built in the flesh out of spiritual pride.
“But, those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.”
– Elihu to Job in chapter 36
Isa 41:10 Have no fear, for I am with you; do not be looking about in trouble, for I am your God; I will give you strength, yes, I will be your helper; yes, my true right hand will be your support.
Mt 22:32 I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead but of the living.
so nice to see I have a lot of company…..tired, suffering and plodding along company ;-)….will lift out a hand to help you – and when I’m down…sure would like that extended hand as well…..blessings and favor ~ Pam
Oh how familiar this sounds….I understand it way more than I would like to. After years…no decades of praying this prayer I have come to understand this. First of all, I need to “rise higher” than my human vision can see. Get on the mountain and look down, so to speak…from God’s perspective…or what I can gather of that. I realized..we live on a battlefield. Not a storybook, or a sitcom, or anything that narrow and small. We live on a battlefield – it has been a battlefield since Lucifer landed here….God created it in love-Lucifer hates God so he wants it….but first he wants to hurt it and make it suffer-then command it wherever and whenever he can. Great 🙁 but true. Things will happen that are pure attacks against a child of God….but…He/Love, can and will show us how to turn them around, use them against the enemy, or display His Glory…a hard one but possible. Some things I’ve “allowed” into my life through disobedience, rebellion, stupidity and some just come. I have to say, in case there is anyone else doing the same thing as I….the biggest “door” I’ve given to the enemy of my soul is believing all the things he’s told me I am…stupid, a loser, wasted, nothing. As long as I hold on to those lies he has free reign to destroy me. It’s time I begin to believe what my Creator says about me-what Jesus has done for me and what that brings my destiny to be. I believe that door will be shut tight and locked. Focus on Him…Marsha….focus on Him…He is ALL I need. Jesus, give me rest in Your Victory – covered with Your Blood. I don’t know for sure….but I like to think seeing the Blood of Jesus makes the devil scream. 🙂
Hi Skip, just have to tell you I too have issues with sleep. Mine come from health problems and a pattern of abuse from a previous relationship. I was on sleeping pills for several years and told my doctor I wanted off them. He recommended melatonin, 3mg, and valerian, 1 to 3 a night. Its been working for many years now.
Praying you find relief and rest.
Shalom my teacher and friend,
sara
Oh Skip, I forgot to tell you that through my sleepless journey I bought a Orthdox Jewish Siddur and read/prayed the bedtime Shema (still do when needed). The part I remember the most is that as I am closing my eyes, I “forgive everyone (Jew) for hurting me, my children, my husband and my property.” This really helps to lift a burden of hurt and pain and with the help of the natural herb Valerian and the 3mgs of Melatonin, I am sleeping through most nights….
Thanks Sara. Most of my sleepless nights come as a result of internal struggles, nagging doubts and spiritual wrestling. Thankfully, the last few nights have been calm. Sometimes the workman just needs to know that God really does care.