H.A.L.T. (3)
How lonely sits the city that was full of people! She has become like a widow who was once great among the nations! She who was a princess among the provinces has become a forced laborer! Lamentations 1:1 NASB
Lonely – This is the really big one, isn’t it? Lonely. Badad. To be alone, by itself, apart. This is the word of “deplorable isolation,” of a man who has abandoned or been abandoned by community. This is the heartache of having no one to hold you and no one to hold. We were not made to be alone, physically, psychically or spiritually. We exist in community—with each other and with our Maker. A man apart is a man poised for serious self-medication and the degree of feeling alone is the degree of addictive dependency.
The arrow in the heart of an addict is dipped in the poison of loneliness. It’s a self-inflicted torment. Badad is a lifetime poison lover intent on punishing its victim for every departure from the holiness of obedience. Sin is its elixir. Dying is its commerce.
The addict knows “alone” from the inside, by personal and intimate acquaintance. What he has forgotten is that “alone” is never true. No one is finally alone. God finds our beds in Sheol. But the addict is acutely sensitive to emotional abandonment and fears it like no other circumstance, never quite grasping the fact that his self-inflicted wound is the motive/cause of this agony. Afraid of transparency, he propels himself into isolation to find protection and meets the angel of death instead.
4 A.M. on March 8th
God cried on my shoulder
I heard the teardrops splashing on the street
Below my window.
He breathed great sighs.
The sobs sent shock waves through the night.
“There is nothing more for me.
Please go,” she said.
And I cried too,
Alone in the dark.
If there is hope, it must arrive as a miracle. No one escapes the angel without dying and dying is the final stage of isolation. The addict continues to live in badad because he cannot imagine that dying is freedom. He cannot look “alone” in the face and live, so he does whatever is necessary to numb his fear, when all he really can do, he really must do, is die.
Topical Index: alone, badad, death, Lamentations 1:1
I was addicted to an addict. I used (actually, I was used BY) that addiction because I thought it was righteousness. Righteousness is relationship, right? So alone must mean ‘failure’ of relationship, right? But I was guilty of inordinate affection. Love out of order. I had the order wrong. In order to escape the horrible vacuum where my relationship with YHVH should have been, I substituted another human, to whom I gave pre-eminence over myself. There. That should ‘fix’ it. It did not. Because I did not put the order right, Love for God, then caring for myself, THEN others, no relationship was possible. I had no connection with the Love Source to bring to the deal, I had no sense of self respect to bring to the deal, and to the extent I did not value my relationship with myself, and care for myself, no one else could respect me or care for me enough to over-ride that self-spite. It was NOT a good gift to bring to a relationship. I let others walk over me like a dog. They could not help it because they were being yanked around on their end. We were miserable. There was no one to speak for me, but that was idolatry on my part.
I MUST develop and put first a true relationship with my Father, then I must take care of myself next, as that was given to no one else but me, and if I cannot stand myself, and keep abandoning myself, who else can? And then, after all the pressure is off the deal called Me, I have something to offer others, no strings attached. No pressure. I think that is called maturity, but we addicts got stopped from emotionally maturing before we could grow up. But I am tired of pablum. I want to chew real meat. I think that means I must grow some teeth. I might even get some respect if I did that! Grrr!
Alone with my Father, and if I bring myself to the deal, too, hey, that’s company. Two is a crowd, they say! Everybody else is a bonus. Pressure’s off.
The timing of this series is impeccable for me. Two years ago my mother had her first seizure. She was told by doctors that thirty-five years of heavy drinking was enough, and that if she wanted to live, she had to stop. She didn’t. A year later, another seizure, and the same warning. On the way home from the hospital, she stopped to pick up a beer for the drive home. Two weeks and two days ago, she had another seizure, this one the worst yet. For hours and hours she stayed in a perpetual seizure loop, which the doctors could only break by inducing a coma. Over the next four to five days, she lay in a bed in the ICU, unresponsive and on a ventilator. No one could tell us if she would recover, or what “recovery” would look like. Her life hung in the balance and we all waited. She did wake up. And she is mostly, miraculously, still herself. Her mind seems unscathed for the most part. Her body seems to have taken the brunt of the damage. After nearly two weeks in the hospital, she is now in a rehabilitation facility where she is doing hours of physical, occupational, and speech therapy each day. She has to re-learn how to feed herself, how to walk.
Life can’t go back to the way it was for her, and yet we are terrified that she will go home and return to old habits. The blessing, in all this, is that she will have gone nearly a month without a drink or a cigarette by the time her stay in the hospital is over. That’s longer than she’s ever gone, since she began drinking. Even while pregnant with each of her four children, she never stopped. Her body is, for the first time, past the stage of physical withdrawal. I pray she accepts this gift and makes a change in her mind and heart.
To complicate this already difficult situation more, I am trying desperately to arrange care, for her, but also for my youngest brother who is eighteen and has cerebral palsy. She has been the sole provider of his care all these years, but that has to change now. They live in a rural pocket of the country where there seem to be no resources for support, help, or care. Everything in her life seems to be an obstacle to her sobriety right now. I am trying to remove every obstacle that I can, but I can’t do it for her. I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I guess I’m just putting this out there on Skip’s blog because my family needs prayers as we navigate this situation and try to help my mother through her addiction. I have all the faith in God that he can heal her and restore her. But I know she has to be a willing participant. This H.A.L.T series has cut me to the heart on her behalf. It has helped me have compassion for her, at a time when fear and frustration are gripping me.
Please pray that God guide me and show me what to do to help my family right now. My younger brothers are looking to me for guidance, they need me to lead the way and take charge. There is no one else in our family who will do it so it’s time to step up. But I need guidance too. I’m 32… I don’t feel like enough of a grown-up to know exactly what to do here. There is so much brokenness and addiction in my family, and I feel alone myself. I know that’s not true. Pray that I don’t believe it for a second.
I would suggest that you research Bob Beck and his Brain Tuner. I don’t know anything except what I have read, but I am familiar with health practitioners who believe in his research.
Hi Alicia:
My prayers are for your family — clearly you are trusting God for the outcome. I’m guessing that you also need some very practical advice on how to proceed. Not knowing what State you live in, my public health nursing advice will be somewhat general.
First, persons with disabilities are entitled to continued public education and special ed support services through the age of 21 years (that is, up until they turn 22 years old). That regulation is nationwide for States that accept federal funds, and I don’t know of any State that isn’t taking federal education money. Look up Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). That, at least, will help with your daily care for your brother. School systems do not have an option — they have to provide a full day of education services in the least restrictive environment. In California, at least, that includes a half day of instruction through parts of the summer with bus transportation provided to and from school.
Your brother should also be receiving SSI benefits through Social Security and possibly some benefits from your State, such as Medicaid. There should be a medical social worker or eligibility worker in his county of residence, who can assist you with establishing a temporary caregiver, if he is unable to be cared for by family or for care while you are at work. If you don’t know who his worker is, contact the local public health department or the Medi-Caid service provider (County Welfare Office). His local school district might have a social worker on staff; try calling the County Office of Education or the school nurse. Many times hospitals will have a liaison for such services — I would ask the hospital where your mother was an inpatient, whether they might have a liaison or a social worker on staff. The rehab hospital might also have a social worker who can direct you. Take advantage of the services that are offered for caregivers. Even if your mother is able to return home, she is going to need support, and that is often more than families can be expected to take on by themselves, especially when you work and live at a distance.
You might also find this website a helpful resource: https://caregiver.org/ It’s the Family Caregiver Alliance. In some States, you might also be eligible for paid family leave (essentially it’s unemployment benefits) on a temporary basis to care for your brother. A social worker should be able to tell you whether your State has such provision under the Family Leave Act.
Your mom was probably receiving SSI or similar funds for acting as a caregiver for your brother. Federal law provides that the money follows the person, so if your mom is not able to provide care, those dollars should be directed to another responsible party (you), who can designate where those dollars should be spent for your brother’s care.
God bless you — please continue to let us know whether your practical needs are being met. We are community and we care for you. 🙂
Suzanne,
Thank you for taking the time to offer such practical advice for Alicia, because, as we all know, God often answers our prayers in a very practical ways.
I join the community in praying for Alicia and her difficult situation. And one of the ways I’ll be praying is that she is able to take advantage of some of the many state/government services available to her.
Alicia…may you feel the power and presence of our Lord and the prayers of this community as you journey forward.
Thank you, Suzanne! This is what I need right now. Someone to help me focus on how to tap into resources. I have felt a bit scrambled and directionless. Thank you for giving me some places to start. 🙂
Dear Alicia, I am praying the our Father continues to infuse you with His wisdom & strength for each decision you have to make. I pray that His light shines through you for everyone around you to be warmed, cared for and know that something is different about you. May they see HIM in your strength and in your weakness as you rely on HIM! HE loves you!
Thank you, Inetta!
Alicia – Just as Ruth had to believe there was more for her than what she was left with….and there was…much more – there is more for you. He will walk, side by side with you and give you the instructions and directions you need-focus on Him – listen for Him and He will favor you with Truth and Life.
Thank you, Marsha!
Reading this I saw the play on words – bad dad & those who have the wrong father i.e.- the father of lies ………..
NEVER Alone.
If there is hope, it must arrive as a miracle.
Yes, Hope did arrive as a miracle, 2,000 years ago in Bethlehem. “For unto us, a Child is born, – and unto us a Son is given.. ”
This very same son of man and Son of God is the One who yeas later would promise, “I will NEVER leave you, nor forsake you!” Didn’t we hear Him say, “Lo..” ( as in behold- take a good, long look at this!)- “I AM with you- ALWAYS!”
And isn’t His Name, Immanuel? “God (is now) with us!” Whether sinner or saint, where will any of us go that God is not already there? David knew this.. ~Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there ~ (Psalm 139.7,8) Where we are going, (no matter “where!”_- God is already “there!” No matter where “there” is!
Even if we were to say to the mountains and to the rocks, “Fall on us and hide us from the presence of Him who sits on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb” – there is no hiding from God! “Darkness” doesn’t work out too well either- for ~ even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You ~
~ Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account ~ (Hebrews 4.13)
There is only one “hiding place!” Rock of Ages, cleft for me.. – let me hide myself in Thee. Let the water and the blood, from Thy wounded side which flowed, be of sin the double cure. Save from wrath, and make me pure!
I can well understand why Yeshua wept. Alicia, every tear you have ever cried has been stored in a bottle and is precious to your Abba. You face a battle that seems a lot like the Maccabees to me. I pray that your dedication will yield victory and light! I also pray that someone will come along side you so that you won’t feel so alone. I grieve that some people have to suffer so much. One thing that has encouraged me is the idea that God doesn’t waste pain. May you soon wear a garment of praise instead of a spirit of heaviness.
Thank you, Theresa. What a beautiful reminder and prayer.
GET UP AND GO
And do you find it odd or strange, The Messiah is always inviting His own to “draw nearer?’ “Come unto Me, He says.. “Permit the little children to come unto Me!- and forbid them not!
Listen again to the heartbeat of the Father!
~ So he (the errant son) got up and came to his Father. But while he was still a long way off, his Father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. “And the son said to him, ‘Father, – I have sinned against heaven and in Your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son..”
(helpful household hint.. – none of us are “worthy,” except One!) One who is (more than worthy) to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing.”
“Lo (and behold), I AM with you – ALWAYS!
Oh, and lest we forget “the rest of the story!”-
But the father said to His servants, ‘Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate;..
for this son of Mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’
(And one of my personal favorite portions of scripture! )- “So the party began!”
Son, come home! You are most welcome here!
“It is through many tribulations that we must enter the kingdom of God (Acts 14:22).” Every hardship, every trial, is a doorway into the kingdom. Why don’t they teach this in the seminaries and churches? Why don’t we see the message of the cross, of the execution stake, preached today? Why don’t we see the power that results from such a message and lifestyle? We must recover this message of the kingdom if we are going to survive, if we are going to be overcomers.
It’s more difficult to recruit members with words of sacrifice and trials than it is with words of prosperity and freedom.
Teresa, your words and your prayer speak directly to many others Thank you.