Who Says?
Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” But you, Lord, are a shield around me, Psalm 3:2-3a NIV
Many – “Many are saying.” But who? Whose voices are telling us that God will not deliver us? If I listen very carefully, I know those voices. I have heard them before—many times. It is the chorus of my inner choir, the sounds of the yetzer ha’ra. I am the one saying to myself, “God will not deliver me.” Of course, I know (cognitively) that He could if He chose to, but I feel no more precious than the pigs in the pen. Why would He rescue me from a prison that I myself have constructed to keep Him out?
Certainly David must have felt just like this on those nights he could not sleep because his guilt removed him from the presence of the Holy One of Israel. He cried out. He wept. He agonized. But the voice of the Lord could not overpower the voices of David’s own epithumia, his desire for Bathsheba, his desire to uphold a reputation he already knew he had lost, his desire to pretend that things were still normal in his house. Ambushed by passion, he must have wondered if the Lord of hosts would ever open His arms to have him back. Bathsheba was still there. Uriah’s grave was still there. The crown was still there. But peace in David’s world was gone—and there seemed no way to recover it. He could not go back and undo the conspiracy. Better to just pretend—and wrestle in his nightmares.
Then something happened. A man came who threw open the door, exposed the shame, revealed the treachery and the sin. David was broken. The pretense was over. Confession, repentance, punishment, atonement, restitution. There is no other way. If we could only have the courage to admit we are powerless in the face of those threats to our emotional well-being. If we could only admit that we deliberately turned to our own devices just to stop hurting. If we could just say, “Yes, that’s me” and give ourselves permission to feel our desperation. Then we might be able to say with David, “But you, Lord, are a shield around me.”
“Our yetzer ha’ra is part and parcel of our very constitution. It is the record of every disappointment, rejection, and failure that reaches us from beyond our self-enclosure, from the lives of others who have had a share in bringing us into being. This accumulation of pain is justifiably called the yetzer ha’ra, which pushes us to obscure the view of the other in our souls through the diversions of everyday life.”[1]
What does this mean? It means that healing will hurt! There is no anesthetic for the pain of confession. We have been taking “pills” of one form or another for years in order not to feel this pain, but the only cure is to stop medicating and let it come. In fact, as long as we pursue anything that prevents us from feeling this accumulation of pain, we cannot get well. Day 21.
Topical Index: yetzer ha’ra, shield, hope, pain, Psalm 3:2-3
[1] Ira Stone’s commentary in Moses Luzzatto’s Mesillat Yesharim, p. 39.
I used to catch myself running from the disasters of my life, and I used that observation to beat myself up. There is this terrible little fact I learned about the yetzer ha-ra, and it is that, in my flesh, I have no forgiveness to offer myself or others, but neither can I accept to forgiveness of myself, G-d or others. This is because in my flesh I react to everything I perceive as an impediment to Getting What I Want – and that would include the choices and actions of fracture from reality (sin) of myself as well as others – as a disaster of the first order, and the only way my flesh can see to correct such behavior is to condemn it; to outlaw it; to sentence it severely so as to ‘make’ it not want to EVER do that again to me! In other words, I guilt trip it. Guilt is the natural reaction of the flesh to sin. I think guilt is a curse, in fact. I do it to myself, as well as others, but I think it is also a sin in and of itself. Why? Because I think guilt is even further rebellion and I think that that is because my guilt, like all other sin, has the effect of driving me even further away; of setting me up to do even yet more sin. I think this is because guilt is evidence of my fracture – is condemnation of that fracture, in fact – and my flesh has no natural defense against condemnation of any kind. All I can do in the natural with that condemnation is to either justify myself (excuses), blame (judge and condemn myself, others or G-d) or, failing all that: RUN! HIDE! Destroy evidence! Change the Law! (Well, I could continue, but, sadly, we all know that list, I think!) In fact, I have been delivered over to the tormentors, and they are going to beat me until I come up with every last penny that I owe, which I can never do because my flesh stays broke. I have met the enemy, and it is certainly me! I think we run from our guilt, like we run from all the other evidence of our fracture, because we can do nothing about it, and none of us can stand that failure. Guilt is the fuel, in fact, in my get-away car. I can run on guilt! Many of us do! We get up in the morning (don’t we), and remind ourselves of ALL the things we know we have done wrong; we beat ourselves up about them so we won’t want to EVER do them again; and then, while we are standing at that pump, we naturally fill up the tank for the whole day! I used to run all day on guilt. Guilt motivated me to toe the line – to make sure I NEVER made a mistake: guilt was my unholy spirit, and the closest thing to a conscience I could afford. I used guilt, in fact, as the false conscience for my little kingdom of the flesh, because the flesh cannot abide the voice of G-d.
When I was small, my mama used to read Pilgrim’s Progress to us, and I used to think the most mysterious thing in that whole story was the burden that Pilgrim carried on his back. I wondered why it was there: why and how it got there, why he had to carry it, why he couldn’t get it back off, and what tied it on. I resolved, in my little flesh, that that was stupid (I judged him!) and concluded that I was not going to go around with a pack on my back. That way, I would never have to stand in front of that horrible cross. I resolved, in fact, to be ‘perfect’. No guilt for me! Well! (No comment. LOL!)
Guilt has the legal right to torment me as long as I am in rebellion – is, in fact, evidence of the first order that I am IN rebellion. Unless and until I surrender, guilt is a blessing (perceived in my flesh as a curse!) that gives me motivation to repent; it gives me time to lay down my arms so that I am not instantly consumed; time to yelp for help, in fact, like all the other curses, but guilt does not give me a WAY to do that. To undo the spell of sin; to “work it backwards with dissevering mutters”, I have to unravel the snarl (don’t you just love that word!): I have to start at the root of the problem. I think guilt was given to me in mercy, as all the curses were, to be a guide out of my hole in that other kingdom, and, like the other curses, can buy me the time I need to repent, but guilt is not from G-d (only conviction is), and guilt is certainly not my friend!
When I see guilt, I should start there. Guilt is the closest I get to the Temple; guilt can get me right up to the wall, in fact, but the only way I am going to actually get in the Wicker Gate is to present my invitation to the Kingdom. How do I get such a precious thing? Guilt condemns me, but it also gives me the right next order of operations, if I will take it. Guilt drives me to my knees with the intolerable load of my sense of fracture, but if I do not choose to take that next step, I am still sinning: I am still in rebellion. No, while I am on those knees; in the correct posture as a supplicant, in fact, in the place where I have nothing left to lose, where I have no more impediments to keep me from repentance, I must actually repent for that rebellion. I must surrender; I must lay down my arms, and request entrance in through that Gate to that other Kingdom. However, I do not get to keep guilt in that Kingdom as my little secret, private unholy spirit. No, I have to hand guilt over, along with all the other tools that I have been using to ply my Self trade – all that other unholy spiritual fuel in my tank, such as the spirits of bitterness, shame, jealousy, unloving, rejection, and fear et al. No, in this Kingdom, there is only One Spirit, and I do not use Him: He uses me. I have to repent for using guilt as a substitute for refusing to heed the voice of G-d, which is the gentle conviction of conscience that is the voice of the Holy Spirit in my soul. In fact, I think guilt is what my flesh uses as its substitute for the voice of G-d (conscience), and as such, the use of guilt is a sin to be repented of.
Guilt, like bitterness (unforgiveness), actually is a killer of the first magnitude. Guilt is one of those “dead works” (works that is going to kill me) that I think Paul keeps referring to. Guilt, in fact, is what I use to cement myself in my rebellion, but the curse of that guilt will drive me to my destruction, and it will destroy me every step of that way. Guilt will weigh me down: it will literally knot my muscles and disfigure my joints and coagulate the platelets in my blood. Guilt can cause depression and rage, and in my case, probable schitzophrenia. Guilt manifests itself in our lives in many ways. Again, I would like to invite anybody who wishes to consider guilt in the context of the whole nephesh experience, to try to find on YouTube the thoughtful and prayerful work done on this subject by Dr. Frans J. Cronje of South Africa, who has been faithfully seeking to know and to apply the excellent direction we have been given in Scripture; particularly in Deuteronomy 28. It is time we turn around and face our guilt. We have been given everything we need to do so, and there is no other place we can go. My guilt is why that Cross was raised. Halleluah!
Guilt is a symptom, not the sin. Guilt will be heavy and unproductive when you carry it on your back (as described in Pilgrim’s Progress) or it will be a motivating force to turn us back to G-d in teshuva, punishment
atonement and restitution. Guilt, like pain, is designed to tell us that we are not working as designed and it’s time to do whatever is required to get back in alignment. Now, if we decide NOT to teshuva, guilt is a heavy burden — but that’s what it is designed to be! Though it never feels like it at the time, guilt and pain are for our benefit.
Thank you for the clarification, Suzanne. I appreciate you, as usual. No doubt. It is for sure that we are guilty from the Divine perspective, and it is only grace that enables us to perceive that fact, and also to be able to suffer from it. Because of that suffering, that teshuva – that punishment from His hand – eventually is going to look lighter, by comparison. That is all grace.
BUT, the question becomes if our perception of our guilt is synonymous with the fact of our guilt; in other words, is my EMOTIONAL FEELING of guilt a direct transcript of my true condition, straight from the heavenly throne, or is it from some other, derivative, place? In other words, did G-d speak to me directly with that emotion of guilt, or, even if guilt is ultimately a gift, or blessing (as all things ultimately are of course), is it one that can be corruptible in the flesh; if nothing else, by my corrupted perception of it? This question becomes important in the context of righteousness, because I think we can be, and are, tempted to USE (abuse) guilt as a substitute for G-d’s voice, when we should have actually been listening for what He really wants to say to us. What I am trying to say is, I think we should be asking, is guilt the direct voice of G-d? That is a hair-splitting question, I know, so I have to ask it another way. Let me ask it this way (and this is the way I think of it): is guilt how He thinks (because He only speaks what He thinks and experiences; or, feels)? Which is to ask, has He ever been guilty? Has He ever felt guilt? Has guilt ever even entered the Mind of Christ? I ask, because we are told that we should be cultivating the ground for, asking for, and receiving His Mind as our own, as the template of how we should be thinking. If guilt is not actually from Him, but is just a consequence of sin, then guilt is not, in fact, where I should be. In other words, guilt and righteousness cannot co-exist. Righteousness is direct communication with G-d, but the question is, is guilt, in fact, His communication to me? If it is not, then wouldn’t that mean that it should not, in fact, be what I am trying to use to communicate with Him? IF guilt is a curse, than it is not allowed in His Presence as an offering, or, a relating, with Him. It would be a polluted offering at that point, that would need to be exchanged before bringing it to the altar of communion. I think guilt stands where honor should be; from my perspective, guilt is what I use as a substitute for honor. I choose to remain guilty, in fact, so I don’t have to repent for rebellion. If I can convince myself that guilt is what G-d is saying to me, then I can think that I can safely stay in my guilt, and, by some convoluted trick, convince myself that that is some sort of pitiful form of righteousness, or, taking responsibility for, my sin. Guilt is by no means such a thing!
I personally think that, regardless of the original source of it, guilt can be manipulated as a substitute for the Voice; the instructions, the Truth, of G-d. We may have to agree to differ on that, at least until we can find a way to communicate all the excellent reasons we are where we are at, respectively, with this subject. I know I am for sure looking, though, because I was consumed with guilt, and I have friends who are clearly addicted to it, which you can do with most any emotion a human can have, by the way. You mentioned pain, but pain is also one of the most addictive, if not the most addictive, emotion we can have, and any of the so-called negative emotions (such as guilt) seem to be more strongly addictive than any of the positive ones (such as pleasure, say). Sad to say, I believe that we can pervert ALL the gifts from His Hand. We can turn them all into sins used against Him, and therefore to be repented of. I do not believe guilt to be an exception.
Of course, this is all just from my armchair perspective ( leaving me free to merrily speculate all over the place) which makes it imperative that I publish on a regular basis (like now!) a Caution label on all my thoughts: “Imbibe at your own risk! My apologies!”) I also do like to add that I reserve the right to be wrong, too. And, I am sorry for that to all, and thankful, too. Thank you for exploring with me! But now I have to quit because I have tomatoes to tie up and a pot of boiling potatoes. Bye, y’all!
Ok, I am back. Suzanne, I think we agree. I am sorry that I did not explain myself well the first time. Guilt, like all the rest of our emotions, is not a sin, but is just a symptom. But, if you go back and read again, I did say that it is the USE of guilt in place of righteousness that makes it a sin. I have to repent, then, for USING (abusing) the gift of one of my emotions. Y’all, I really do need to learn how to talk! Thank you for letting me think out loud.
Let’s Get This Party Started
“Confession.” — To say the same as. To agree with God.
If God says “it’s good,”- it is good.
If God says it’s bad, it is bad.
So easy, a caveman could do it.
“If” (big little word) we confess our sins..
If we say the same thing God says concerning our sins..
Romans 12:9 says, – “Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.”
Is sin, “evil?” (Does a pig love mud?) Absolutely!
Friend, — it was MY sin that held Him there, – until it was accomplished.
For what I have received I now pass on to you as of first importance:
~ that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures..
and that He was buried..
and that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures..~
(1 Corinthians 15.3)
~ Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:
~ “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners–of whom I am the worst.” ~
The vilest offender who truly believes
that moment from Jesus a pardon receives
Are YOU washed in the blood of the Lamb?
If we will confess our sins,
He [the One who is both] Faithful and Just
[not only] will forgive us our sins..
[but He will also] cleanse us from all unrighteousness!
(1 John 1.9)
ASK! – and you will receive!
SEEK! – and you will find..
KNOCK! (patiently-persistently) and it will be opened (revealed) unto you..
(Matthew 7.7)
“[How] blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.”
(Psalm 32.1, Romans 4.7,8)
~this son of Mine was dead and has now returned to life! He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began. (Luke 15.24)
~ And you has He also “made alive,” who were once dead in trespasses and sins!~
(Ephesians 2.1)
There is a Savior
What joys express
His eyes are mercy
His word is rest
For each tomorrow
For yesterday
There is a Savior
Who lights our way..
Stumbling on the mountains dark with sin and shame,
Stumbling toward the pit of hell’s consuming flame;
By the powers of sin deluded and oppressed,
Hear our tender Shepherd, — “Come to Me and rest.”
~ Come unto Me.. and I will give you rest..
It is so so true.. It is like taking our hearts out of the deep freeze and removing the freezer bag off . Oh! The pain of the defrosting, being with others while removing freezer burn off our hearts, the deep, deep thawing, nerve endings beginning to feeling process, smelling, touching coming back to life when it wears freeze wears off, sometimes sharing the same air seems painful at times, as well as being with those whom are still in the deep freezer of denial or control.. Very Very different learning to handle to live in our own body and trust ADONAI, totally for our pain and healing substance, love and acceptance… FEEL FEEL, HEAR, SMELL, TOUCH, TASTE all is new and wonderful experience…FROM our narcissistic adolescence to Humble Maturity the desert the journey, narrow places of the path of the righteous..
Ah yes….”We have been taking “pills” of one form or another for years in order not to feel this pain,”…..those “pills”….those “other” shepherds who beguile us into thinking they have the best way for us to follow. CHANGE HERDS!!!
As Yeshua explained, “….All those who have come before Me have been thieves and robbers….but My sheep don’t listen to them. I Am the Gate; if someone enters through Me, he will be safe and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only in order to steal, kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, life in its FULLEST measure.” SIGN UP TODAY!!!