The Daily Grind
Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Psalm 51:8 NASB
You have broken – Broken bones and a broken heart. David eventually connects the two (as we will see in verse 17), but he starts with the impact of sin before he can reach the reconciliation of forgiveness. The verb is very rare, used only in the Psalms. Here daka means, “to be crushed, to be broken.” In Hebrew phenomenology, David’s experience is as if God is pounding the living daylights out of him, grinding him into powder.
David’s expression tells us something important about repentance. We have to be able to feel the horror of our disobedience and the terror of our violation before we will come to the Lord in confession. Everyone sins, but not everyone feels the weight of sin. Since everyone sins, we might expect everyone to experience the crushing hand of the Lord, but it isn’t so. If it were, the entire world would repent. What usually happens is this: the yetzer ha’ra immediately goes into defensive mode and provides us with excuses, rationalizations and insulation. We might even experience (momentarily) regret, but we quickly construct protective walls to keep true humiliation out. In other words, we learn to live with it. Instead of allowing the emotional trauma to have its proper effect, we retreat into self-protection. We fortify our fragile selves and keep the feelings away. And, as a result, we neither weep nor mourn. We continue. We live with our crimes. We compartmentalize. We stuff them into the dark recesses and pretend that we can go on without confronting the damage. We patch instead of demolish.
Why? Why do we resist the emotional breakdown that leads to broken bones? Why are we so intent on patching up the holes rather than demolishing the leaky structure and starting fresh? The answer is an insight into the inner working of the yetzer ha’ra. We are afraid. We are afraid that if we really let these God-given emotions out of the bottle, we will lose control. We will be humiliated. We will be shamed. We will lose that so-carefully-constructed self-image mirage. We will become lost in a world of emotional breakdown, and if there is one thing that Western thinkers fear more than anything else it is precisely this—to lose control of their emotions.
YHVH’s plan to arrest our behavior and force us to confront our sin is emotionally driven. Rare indeed is the man who comes to repentance due to intellectual argument. Most of us arrive because of the loss of control. We come as damaged goods. We show up broken. Until we let go of our desperate measures to keep everything under control, it is almost impossible to experience the call of repentance. When we stop enlisting distractions, addictions, denial and deflection, when we finally admit our feeling crushed, then there is the possibility of joy. Until then there is only delay.
Topical Index: broken, daka, repentance, feelings, Psalm 51:8
It’s my hearts desire,
My Lord to be like you
To walk within your glory
Belong, totally to You
A perfect mirrored image
Of my Saviors face to see
Reflections of Yeshua
Within the likes of me
So pound me as the clay Yaw
Upon your potter’s wheel
Bruise me as the corn
You pick within your field
Grind me as the flour
You use to make your bread
Do with me what you will
Just hold me in Your hand
I know You see me as who I will become
You know that I can walk truly
In your depths of love
Give me strength to serve YOU
to walk away from sin
To know in my inner parts
That you have purged again
So pound me as the clay Yaw
Upon your potter’s wheel
Bruise me as the corn
You pick within your field
Grind me as the flour
You use to make your bread
Do with me what you will, just
Hold me in Your hand.
Thank you for this.
In recovery it is called a “bottom.” It is the place where I receive the gift of desperation, the place where I will do whatever it takes, to be free. What a great reminder that the grind is a spiritual neccesity for my well being, for my health.
The moment I begin to explain, rationalize or excuse, I am in trouble, and so too is my fellowship with both my Maker and my brother.
Return to Me
~ But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed ~
~ He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree,[the tslav, the execution stake] that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed ~
~ For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls ~
Great article skip –
I wanted my husband to tell others in our community about his emotional abuse years ago . He says he still isn’t ready it will be too humiliating etc. , am I supposed to stay in a marraige stuck in delay?.. he has excuses, self-protection, control ,shame ,avoidance ,deflection and great fear to lose his emotions because he doesn’t want to add rage to the other abuse.
I want to share with others so shame would lose its power from keeping this all hidden..
He said I can share but he’s not going to.
Am I condoning ,enabling , perpetuating the cycle by staying in the marraige ?
I don’t want to micromanage or accommodate shame anymore ..
I don’t want delay to be my children’s legacy ,nor mine, nor my husbands…
Until a man is ready, others cannot take his part. But we can pray that God will bring him to be ready sooner rather than later. No one changes until he really wants to change and even then it is extremely difficult and full of potholes.
Is he still abusive? Has he given you release to share? Has he confessed to your age appropriate children? Is there anyone in your circle that you would trust to share this burden with you, who can both hear your pain and still love/respect your husband?
Is the marriage at peace now. are you and your children safe.
These are all questions you have to grapple with, and it’s a fine line between respecting your husband and setting yourself up for further pain.
Let me explain myself.
My husband was abusive. He was also a Green Beret. The Marine in me adored him, as well as every other aspect of me.
When i left him i went so far to protect him, that i left myself open to destruction. I didn’t defend myself to anyone who matter, talked to very few people and never, ever detailed what went on. Ever. There have been few times, a few people, that i attempted to speak with, but they didn’t respond well, either giving me platitudes or degrading him.
I moved on.
So focused was i on making sure HIS life was not disrupted, or his reputation sullied that i neglected my own. When it came time that i needed assistance, needed real support, anything…
It wasn’t there. It’s still not.
I would not recommend this to you. YHVH is sufficient…but the world is a cold hard place and women pay twice the price.
just saying.
This story is oh so common for a believing woman. Laurita will tell you the same.
You can love someone enough to walk away. I would, sadly, advise you to do so.
I moved on SHOULD have read “I moved out”.
Moving on has not been a snap.
I answered some in a comment below ..thanks for your support .
I agree with most of your Today’s Word but this one you missed the mark. The title The Daily Grind is incorrect, it should have been…Tom Walter.
;), Or Skip Moen
I thought it was my story exclusively.
cbcb: just a suggestion…tell your story that God has His hand on.
Very beautiful Babs. My dad used to quote a similar poem. Wish I had a copy. But now I have yours. Thank you.
Actually this is a song I wrote back in 1987, there was a song out that talked about not giving something that cost me nothing. This song is so much a song of praise, and of heartache from my own dreams and desires being torn from every part of my life and even though I never thought I could hurt more because of it, little did I know the roads I continued to choose would remain the same until I learned His ways are truly higher, and his ways are truly greater. My testimony is this song. Someone told me once when they found out my story that when I sang this song I was just asking for it. Yep.
I appreciate the feedback!!
I want to tell my story but how to tell it & still honor my husband , I guess I was hopeful to tell it together …
Or I wanted to tell it on the redemption side….
He has released me to share…
My marraige is not at peace , but we were seperated during some of the non-safe time, our 3 kids are 13 to 21 years ,it’s safe now & he had confessed to them.
We are married for 27 years . It is still emotionally/psychologically abusive , there was no physical abuse, no drugs,he is a great provider, no infedelity, & a great father, but he is extremely controlling & narcissistic to me.
…….We met at church. I didn’t know any better .I was naive . I was a new believer -he was a preachers son, graduate of a Christian college. I always made excuses & listened to his excuses . It was “good” as long as I took the blame & tried harder to prove my love.
Than everytime I explained the situation to various clergy at various denomination churchs seeking help.I was to” submit ” better, get hobbies,forgive, get more friends,pray harder,submit more,it was my fault -because he was at every prayer meeting,bible study…….
That’s a start , thankful for this site ……
Pray I will tell the story God wants me to tell & His hand will be upon it.
cbcb, we can pray for you and your husband much better now, and I thank you for sharing. Believe it or not, others (like me!) get helped when you do! I think you are right; this is not a trivial matter, and when your identity before God is diminished and re-defined by someone else’s insecurity, YHVH’s image in you, as well as him, is diminished, too. I think people seek control whenever there is chaos. If there is inner chaos, too, they will try to ‘cure’ it with outward control. His lack of peace translates over into an attempt to disguise the fact by destabilizing the people around him, too. If they are off balance, then his imbalance is not front and center. How to keep your peace in this?! Like Barbara said, I got decades of practice!
I am not asking for you to say, but I do want to ask if there has been a history of alcohol in his or your family past. Alcohol abuse creates a trend of behavior and mindsets that can transcend generations, and can even ‘jump’ a generation and manifest further down the line. This ‘bent’ behavior continues to destabilize people until someone learns to recognize it and what they need to do to counteract it, The children, too, will go out into the world having learned to ‘share’ chaos instead of recognizing it as not of God, and recognizing what to do to fix it. In a family where altered states of behavior have been justified, it is interpreted so many times as either ‘normal’, or even righteous. It is not questioned! When I see chaos at this level, I have learned to at least ask the alcohol question. Even if there hasn’t been, a history of emotional abuse can be similar to alcohol abuse, for it creates an altered definition of love in those who have to live with it. Love no longer means that which produces peace, but instead it means that peace is what others must take responsibility for. This is called “co-dependency” and it was conceived in hell. I found several healthy groups of Alanon (friends and family of alcoholics) who patiently taught me how to recognize where I was contributing to this behavior, and how to return a healthy focus back to myself, and thus make it possible for someone else to have a real opportunity to change. I did not recognize where I was part of the problem. They assured me that as soon as I started to change, the situation would have the room to change that I was PREVENTING. It was a real eye opener! I learned a lot!
The reason I am suggesting this as a possibility, was in response to your stated desire to have your husband be transparent before his community. That is not a wrong desire, but the fact that you felt it was up to you in some way to bring that about alerted me to the possibility that perhaps you felt you had to take his responsibility for him because this was a pattern of behavior in your family, where the rage-aholic (I am not trying to label him, just give you an example) requires others to take their responsibilities for them, including their spiritual ones. He sounds stuck and despairing. I have good news for you: there IS something that you can do! Believe it or not, learning to put the focus back on you is not dependent on him; it is your privilege and responsibility to learn, and you hold the key to change in your family. When you can learn how to do this, your husband, and certainly your children, will rise up and call you blessed, for they suffer when you do. You can learn how NOT to suffer, regardless of the situation.
Shalom to you and yours. We love you and are desiring love for you; I am sure I speak for others, too.
Laurita
Yes there was alcohol abuse in his grandparents ..physical emotional abuse in his childhood. We went thru a series regarding breaking generational curses.
I was wanting him to publicly confess & take responsibility in hopes it would disempower shame. Everytime we included more people in our lives it has helped .we kept it hidden far to long..
I also long to be claimed as a wife not all the other “claims” about me. Also after being told its my fault all these years & all the projections it would be awesome for a declaration otherwise – but my identity in God is not contingent on this..I also am desperate for the abuse to stop & am willing to try anything & this would be something we haven’t tried .
I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries, understanding codependence, there is great work by Randi Krueger on “the drama triangle “.
I unfortunately for 20 years allowed myself to be an enabler & scapegoat for his pain/rage. I confessed for this & the sin of buffering his sin…….AND what a bufferer I WAS! ……we were all walking on egg shells trying to soothe…. but when I stopped this all hell broke loose ….
Have you read my book, Jesus Said to Her?
No -I will look for it 🙂
I love my church family there is support & love & I appreciate the maturity to not choose sides ,,,,but than I don’t trust because there seems to be blame to me -the women the victim of the relationship instead of confronting the man, and won’t this just keep perpetuating this pattern , I don’t want to silently condone this …..
This is so common for abused women that it defies discussion.
Every time they advise you to do more of what you are already doing they are, by default, telling you that you are the issue.
You have to really focus on what your husband is telling you. What is he saying by default.
You have to butt that up against your reality.
He is saying you can go ahead and tell everyone what happened (or what is happening). YOU are saying he has trashed your reputation (all to common, i promise you).
By default it sounds like he doesn’t care what you tell people because they are not going to receive it anyway.
You are correct that his public confession would disempower the evil that directs his actions towards you. I have the same hope. Your husband is telling you, by his words and actions that he does NOT desire holiness. He desires self. He is using you to buffer himself between the reality of holiness and the power of self.
You sound like you are caught between the fantasy of being married to a man who loves, honors and respects you and the reality of a narcissistic child (i was going to say psychopath, but i try not to paste cliches onto situations).
Your church family has chosen a side. The side of the traditional church doctrine of submission.
I have heard horror stories that are hard to believe. One woman went to her church repeatedly because she knew something was off w/her husband in regards to her daughters. She couldn’t put her finger on it exactly, and neither the daughters or her husband were talking.
She was told she had a critical, accusing spirit and that she was trying to usurp her husband’s role of leader in the home.
The man is now serving a prison sentence for raping his girls. The woman is no longer attending that church, she is trying to rebuild her life and heal.
Life is what we get based on the choices we make. There are a lot of moving pieces for your puzzle. The Holy Spirit will never leave you. I don’t know if that is a hebraic concept or not, specifically, but i promise you, as long as you don’t shut down in prayer (which i did) you will never be alone.
If you DO shut down, you are still not alone, but it is harder.
I agree I have been stuck between a man that would love,respect,honor vs. The narcissistic child .
Stuck with -do I stay or does he go….a lot of grieving & letting go…
And not the church I am presently at but at other churchs I have been accused of having various spirits. ….jealous, jezebel,critical ,unforgiving
I should write a book someday…
I just pray for healing & that I can be there for other woman in similar situations…….
Thanks for the support & insight …!
…. meanwhile we spent years & thousands on both christian & non-christian counseling ,but still hoping for miracles..
I have no regard for ‘professional’ counseling on any level.
Ditto to a good deal of the above, but I can say that within 3 weeks of starting to go to Alanon, I was given a choice: quit going, or he was moving out. There’s talk, and then there’s action. It was the action that changed the playing field for me. Excuses and plausible deniability can be manufactured in talking. The abuser is fine as long as he perceives that you are ISOLATED. Game changes when you add a community that SEES him. He is seen, whether he chooses to confess (take responsibility) before his community, or not. You are right, in that it takes a community to solve an accountability problem within the family. I chose a community that my husband could not hide from. I think your husband’s turn may be up to choose. It seems to me he has already fumbled the ball you so graciously handed him. Now, I think it is your turn. When you quit shielding yourself, you also quit shielding him. Then, problems can be seen, and fixed. I think you are brave to trust this community. I pray that that trust is honored and you are empowered to restore right relating. You go, girl!
I am so thankful for ALL the insight & wisdom on this page !!!!!!!thank you thank you !!
Dr. Curt Thompson has just published a book that deals just with shame. He is a Virginia based Christian psychiatrist. There are only two reviews on Amazon but they are both 5 star to which I can add my own. My next door neighbour who is an addiction counsellor met him at one of her MA theology course studies two weeks ago and she would add her own glowing review to both his works. Peace and prayers be with you.
Thanks !! I really desire to take back the ground I believe shame had stolen…..
Define your grief. For yourself.
When you can see it, it will not impede you, it will be a tool by which you can make clearer decisions. You can’t let go of what you can’t see that you are holding on to.
Define your grief. It’s not the only step, but it is an important one.
My grief was that i knew the man that my husband hid, and i could no longer help him hide it, i was unwilling to live with him. I also knew the man who loved YHVH and didn’t have wherewithal, even in all his spiritual comprehension, to stand down evil.
I didn’t want to ‘uncover’ him, a few knew but i couldn’t find it in myself to speak disdainfully of him or demean him. I still can not. I have a fury like you can not imagine at how he has treated me, and gotten away with it, but that is separate from the person i love.
You probably understand this, unlike many who will read it.
Keep two notebooks, if you can, grief and anger. You may have a few uncharitable spirits, but you, and you alone can track them and deal with them. Repentance is the children’s bread.
Hope is the honey on top.