I’m Tore Down
But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’ Luke 18:13 NASB
Beating – In the words of Eric Clapton, [CLICK HERE]. Rabbi Hirsch gives us the Hebraic version:
Hitpallel, from which ‘tefilla’ is derived, originally meant to deliver an opinion about oneself, to judge oneself—or an inner attempt at so doing, such as the hitpa’el form of the Hebrew verb frequently denotes. In other words, an attempt to gain a true judgment of oneself. Thus it denotes to step out of active life in order to attempt to gain a true judgment about oneself, that is, about one’s ego, about one’s relationship to God and the world, and of God and the world to oneself. It strives to infuse mind and heart with the power of such judgment as will direct both anew to active life—purified, sublimated, strengthened. The procedure of arousing such self-judgment is called ‘tefilla’ . . .
Accordingly, you should at times tear yourself loose from this existence which endangers your true life, and strive in tefilla to renew your strength for life and regain your right and your will for truth, righteousness and love, as well as the power and the courage for victorious battle.[1]
In other words, tear yourself down! In the world of spirituality, we might call this a “retreat,” but just getting away is not the goal. The goal is serious self-evaluation, sequestered from life’s dangers (like cooking, cleaning, going to the job, arguing with the children, mowing the lawn, etc.). They don’t look like dangers because they are so ubiquitous, but reflection demonstrates that each of these tiny trivial but necessary activities pulls us toward unconscious routine, and that is deadly to awareness of God. So, tear yourself down! Step away from all of it. Meditate in a quiet place. Or, as the tax collector chose, beat your breast in abject acknowledgment that all that stands between you and judgment is the mercy of the Lord.
The Lucan text uses the Greek verb typto, to strike. It’s not a gentle reminder. The word can mean “to strike dead” or “to smite an enemy.” Here it is about physical blows expressing deep emotional distress. It is the same verb used of the scourging of the Messiah. The tax collector forces himself to step out of his comfortable routine and anonymity before God by squarely dealing with his true spiritual state. What he finds is frightening. His spontaneous reaction is self-inflicted punishment. Perhaps stepping away from our numbing routines would lead us to the same conclusion. But we will never know as long as there is no hitpallel in tefilla.
Topical Index: hitpallel, judgment, tefilla, prayer, beat, typto, Luke 18:13
[1] Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, Horeb, pp. 472-473.
Why can there be no simple automation in our lives? It seems every instance of every moment is a strenuous exercise of choosing one direction and way over another even when it is pretty evident the next step we should take. Even when the practice becomes “muscle memory” such that it becomes a good habit, we must even still stop and evaluate to make adjustments as seems necessary, again, making a choice intent on conforming more to his torah. Do I go this way or that? Do I do this or not? Choices, evaluation, judgements, decisions, actions flood my days. It seems too much many times. I’m somewhat familiar with the chest beating.
In this light, Shabbat is ever anticipated and longed for. Rest. Peaceful in his presence with joy all around if I step in to it.
I’m with you on Shabbat, Michael. I understand Shabbat to be a way to teach me how to live the rest of the week, too. Preparation for Shabbat is training for what I should be doing in all my moments. I can find rest the rest of the week, too! Hmm, lets see, now. Prepare the Way of the Lord in my heart and hand; repent and wash myself of my own agenda, make holy the throne of my heart for His Spirit to dwell, and then spread the feast of the Bread of Life and invite the guests! And stay there! You want to know something nice about being a slave? You don’t have to make your own decisions. The only decision you have to make is what your attitude and response is going to be to your next assignment. That’s it! Talk about “rest from your own labors”! What about if I stayed to labor in His vineyard?
These are still so much just thoughts in my head, but I am working to see what they would look like in reality. What if I handed over all expectations, goals, agendas, the expectations of others(!), and my next moment, and decided to try it all His Way? How do I do that? I am realizing that Sabbath is the picture, the practice we were given, of that how. To repent of My Own Way IS the first step toward His. Its not supposed to be My Way six days a week, and His Way the seventh: that’s just a start to show me how! Rest for eternity is where I get to understand Shabbat continually. (I’m not there yet!)
To stop and step outside the sucking, subtle, deceitful maelstrom of my soul and take a more accurate look at just how my moments die IS to immediately put me in that place, Skip, where I spontaneously react with that “self-inflicted punishment”. My instinct is to avoid that place (and apparently we all know where it is, or else how would we be able to NEVER find ourselves there by accident?) at all costs; even the cost of a precious moment of blanked out reality. I don’t want to know the truth any more than anyone else, and it is because I know that my reaction to it is going to be that instantaneous self-beration. We all want to already be walking in the truth but I think we all know we already aren’t! I think the shame of that is a powerful force that drives us even further from that walk in the cool of the evening, and we miss yet another appointment; yet another Shabbat moment where we can drop the impossible load of Our Own Way for His.
I don’t have to beat myself up to GET to that place; no, what I think I see people attempt to do when they guilt trip themselves is just yet another attempt to AVOID that place, for in that place I don’t see what I THINK is my problem; no, what I see there is always a surprise to me (which only reveals how well I am continuing to succeed in my own self-deceit). Just another guilt trip is just another way to be my own god; to assign my own guilt and hand down my own self-condemnation. There is a reason why these actions are sin. These are supposed to be actions that God and only God takes toward me. I am supposed to show up before the Throne and await His judgment, for only He knows the depth of my heart, and only He can see where I am out of line. The instant I step out of that line is the instant the lights go off, and I lose the ability to see the fracture. At that point, I am only going to be guessing what is really wrong.
I think we choose to stay in our fear, guilt and shame as a substitute for that encounter with the Truth. I think we prescribe these self-inflicted tormentors so as to avoid the torment of actually knowing how far we really are out of line; how fractured, how deceived, how framed. We walk in shame in an insane attempt to avoid having to meet the reason for our shame! Is this insanity? We wrote the book!
Today I want to choose to let Him show me, to reveal to me the real malfunctions in my junctions. I don’t want to beat myself up, or prescribe myself my own tranquilizers, or judge myself today. I want to show up in His court, not mine. I want to see the truth first, before I react this time. This time, I want to see myself through His eyes, and not my own. May this be my prayer this day. Amen.
Tearing It Down
~ My little children, I am writing these things to you that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ “the” Righteous.. ~
Do Like David
~How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. With all my heart I have sought You; Do not let me wander from Your commandments.
Welcome the Word
Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You. Blessed are You, O LORD; Teach me Your statutes.. ~
~ As for God, His way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; He shields all who take refuge in Him ~
~ They sought God eagerly, and He was found by them. — So the LORD gave them rest on every side ~ (2 Chronicles 15.15)
A Royal Invitation
~ Come unto Me.. “ALL” [whosoever will, may come) All who labor and are heavy laden.. And?? – (tHis promise..) “and I [personally] will give you [My] rest..” The sweet Shalom of our Savior. Blessed IS the Name of our LORD! – and blessed are the people (whoever and wherever they may be) whose God is the LORD.
~ For He will command His angels concerning you, to keep you in all your ways.. ~
You will be safe in His arms..
Published by Joseph Hart, -1759, there is a reason this song and these timeless truths have endured the centuries.
Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus ready stands to save you,
Full of pity, love and pow’r.
I will arise and go to Jesus,
He will embrace me in His arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
Oh, there are ten thousand charms.
Come, ye thirsty, come, and welcome,
God’s free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Come, ye weary, heavy-laden,
Lost and ruined by the fall;
If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all.
View Him prostrate in the garden;
On the ground your Maker lies;
On the bloody Tree behold Him;
Sinner, —will this not suffice?
Lo! the incarnate God ascended,
Pleads the merit of His blood:
Venture on Him, venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requires
Is to feel your need of Him.
Be merciful to me, — “the” sinner! (Luke 18.13)
I will arise and go to Jesus,
He will embrace me in His arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
Oh, there are ten thousand charms.
Sing it o’er and o’er again,
Make the message clear and plain!
— Christ receiveth sinful men! (Luke 15.2)
Hallelujah! – What a Savior!
“serious self-evaluation” is a first major step, retreating into the very depths of our being searching out all our faults of erroneous choice, or decision made, and deeds done, or careless words said. This is a labour of the heart- tefilla, self-judgment, a time of grace to turn around/repent, putting us in right standing before ABBA, absolutely lightens though not remove our guilt, puts us on guard not to repeat such errors again.
To have our minds/hearts fixed on Him to meditate during every quiet moment we have is such a blessing, enriches us beyond our expectations, rather than keeping occupied doing vanities not beneficial to our spirits. Shalom.