Fearful Recall
“Go and proclaim in the ears of Jerusalem, saying, ‘Thus says the Lord, “I remember concerning you the devotion of your youth, the love of your betrothals, your following after Me in the wilderness, through a land not sown.’’” Jeremiah 2:2 NASB
I remember – I have been reading the devotional by Oswald Chambers for many decades. His remarks for January 20 and 21 always send a chill through me.
“Staleness is an indication of something out of joint with God—‘I must do this thing or it will never be done.’ That is the first sign of staleness. . . “Are you drawing your life from any other source than God Himself? If you are depending upon anything but Him, you will never know when He is gone.”[1]
“Does He find me recalling the time when I did not care for anything but Himself? Am I there now, or have I become wise over loving Him? . . . If, as I recall what God remembers about me, I find that He is not what He used to be to me, let it produce shame and humiliation, because that shame will bring the godly sorrow that works repentance.”[2]
I am the one who is consumed with doing. I am working, working, working because I often think, “If I don’t do this, it won’t get done.” The result? I am tired, angry, discontent. God is pushed out because I have tried to fit so much in. I am terrified that God may have left and I don’t know it. That makes me wonder if I have ever truly experienced the unbidden freshness of the Spirit. Is my religious experience simply my production, enlisting God in service to my understanding? Have I ever really been swept away? Yes, I can recall, but the fact that I have to recall it is condemnation itself. God remembers when He moved me according to His will. He remembers that man I have almost forgotten. What happened to the man of spontaneous praise and rejoicing? He traded awe for doctrine, mystery for theology, prayer for preaching. Now he is lost without the next thing to do, and empty when it is done.
“I remember,” says the Lord. Zakarti. To pay attention to. To meditate upon. God knows me and He knows that I am but dust. But He knows what I started to be when He brought me close. He knows the empty places in my heart even now, places He began to fill until I decided to be the architect of my life. He knows my former “devotion,” but, of course, the word in Hebrew is hesed, my loyalty. How I wish Him to remember me with great affection and fondness. How unworthy of that I feel this day.
Teshuva, the great word of repentance, is not a word about my future. It is a word about my past, my return to the day when His love swept over me and I wept for joy. I would rather go home than take a trip to a mansion in heaven.
Topical Index: return, remember, zakar, Jeremiah 2:2
[1] Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, January 20.
[2] Ibid., January 21.
Wow…….. Silence……… A very long silence……..
This is the story of my life. Not 70%, not 80%, not 90% but the full 100%…….
This way of living so hurt me. In 2006 I asked and start praying: God, what happened to my faith? It turned into working, working, working. Yes, working in the ecclesia, but the joy is gone completely. God, please show me what’s wrong!
And than He started breaking down MY life, breaking it down tot the ground losing litterally everything I had depended on.
And He gave me something in return: joy, Joy, JOY!!!!
But it didn’t come for free. I had to let go of myself. First there needed to be teshuva! Tears flooded my floor, all hope seemed gone. But THAN He came in, He lifed me up, He gave me new hope, He loved me…. Loved me….. loved ME. Incredible! How could He love ME, wretched sinner? (And a wretch I was!) O, since that moment my life has never been the same. Having lost everything, but gained my Lover!!!!! Every sabbath there are tears of joy, in fact every day there is at least one moment of incredible joy when tears are running down my cheeks. I often wonder what people would say if they saw me like that. But who cares! My beloved is mine and I am His! HalleluYah!
Thank you ,Skip, for sharing. I find your love for YHVH to be so beautiful. And Ibfind your honestly, and more importantly, your vunerability! quite moving!
I find your honesty…sorry
“He knows the empty places in my heart even now, places He began to fill until I decided to be the architect of my life. He knows my former “devotion,” but, of course, the word in Hebrew is hesed, my loyalty. How I wish Him to remember me with great affection and fondness. How unworthy of that I feel this day.”
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ” Lamentations 3
May God refresh you today with a portion of His spirit and fill you with joy inexpressible.
I would like to suggest one of the purposes for Shabbat is for us to be quiet, meditate or tend to the fact YHVH is King of the universe, and by faith we His subjects. Psalm 40 is a “remember” verse from Him to me.
He lifts me from the mirery clay, sets me on a firm foundation, gives me something to sing about or proclaim, promises others will see it and exhibit reverence and trust in Adonai. By the way, Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest” is one of my favorite reflection works as well. Praise YHVH that we are “being saved or if you will, salvaged.”
David R
Oh the barrenness of a busy life……I needed this sober reminder
I have noticed that when I think I am doing something ‘on my own’ it feels like I am holding my breath – there is no space (rest) in between: no sense of a reflective overview, no opportunity to weigh and consider and, if need be, shift direction; but, most importantly, no TIME to experience joy. I feel committed like the pig, slaving away. I think that joy must come from a place one step over outside of myself. I think I have to be walking outside my 5-sensory flesh response to have real joy (thank you, Kees, David and Bridget!).
If I am in the flesh, I am always going to feel like I am responding to condemnation of some sort – usually my own. I am deflecting blows. I am reacting to life, which keeps me in my past. My own agenda is always going to be defense of some sort. Joy comes from playing offense, and getting the ball into the goal, which is about the future; but, then, that is going to take some faith!
This past Dec I was laid off from my job. After working full time for the past 31 years the wide expanse of time before me terrified me. As I began to look around to see what I could do to fill my days, with something other than housework ( yuck), there were moments of panic and “what now.” YHVH provided for me… As usual. He opened opportunities to plan local mission projects, guided me to a local volunteer nursing job, and on many levels opened my eyes to a life of physically doing for others that had been pushed to the back burner because, “I’m working .” When you only have silence in the doctor’s waiting room, or only have an empty calendar then YHVH will take that opportunity to show you Himself and what you’ve been missing while you’re so busy. What does God demand of me? To be still and know He is God!!
🙂
Hi Tracy and others, I had a similar experience in 2013 when losing my job of 15 years. The initial fear or panic mixed with freedom in months turned to YHVH giving me ideas on how to use the time that would benefit others and fulfill my need to be useful. Writing articles instead of transcribing dictation has been one of my professional endeavors since the Fall of 2013. I now see life from the stance of what role I am fulfilling at the moment of any given day as opposed to just defining myself by chosen vocation. God bless you in this phase of living!
David R
Hi David, I appreciate those thoughts. Since YHVH has come into my life now and with Skip’s thoughts on work, worship and service being one and the same thing, my views have changed radically. Just wish more people especially younger people did not think a ‘job’ defines who they are. And we won’t even mention the green word.
Hi Karen C, Part of me always took some notice to the words of Yeshua when talking about the one who loses their life will find it. Your work/worship/service being closely related fits the result of that directive. I took Developmental Psychology a number of years ago, and think as western human beings we do go through the stages of development, but when older are either to inflexible to bend, or have been nudged in life to lighten up, bend, be flexible, admit the I don’t knows but still be willing to learn and maybe teach a little too. Materialistic values have always been around. Thanks for the reply..
David R
My ability to work has been affected by clinical depression and several anxiety disorders. I will say this produced a great deal of shame and made me feel so worthless. So one of my goals in life now is to help people find their way back and know they can have a life. Things can get better. I’m proof of it.