Bad Love
The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Genesis 2:23 NASB 1995
Now – The verse that just doesn’t quit! We have come back to it over and over, discovering more depth each time. We already noticed that “the man” (ha-Adam) alters his own identity in the presence of the woman. He calls himself ish, not adam, because of the ishshah. Now we notice the word happa’am (translated as “now” in the NASB but as “at last” in the ESV). It is an interesting word.
There are numerous expressions for “time” in which paʿam is one of the elements. For example, “This is ‘at last’ (happaʿam) bone of my bones” (Gen 2:23). “And I will speak ‘but this once’ ” (ʾak-happaʿam) (Gen 18:32). “ ‘Now this time’ (ʿattâ happaʿam) will my husband be joined to me” (Gen 29:34). “ ‘Many times’ (pĕʿāmîm rabbôt) he delivered them” (Ps 106:43). Hebrew paʿam is a blend of Ugaritic pʾm “time” and pʿn (Phoenician pʿm) “foot” (Gordon, UT[1]19: nos. 1998, 2076).[2]
Perhaps we need to meditate upon both linguistic origins. Perhaps the man says more than “now.” Do you suppose that this linguistic construction hints at the foundational relationship, the “foot” of every other human relationship including our relationship with God?
Jonathan Sacks makes a crucial point:
It is no accident that the Bible takes marriage as its central metaphor for the relationship between man and God. For Judaism, religious faith is not mysterious. It needs no sacrifice of the mind, no leap into the void. It is precisely like the gesture of commitment I make in a human relationship when I pledge myself to another, whose body I can see but whose consciousness must always be beyond my reach. My capacity to form relationships tells me that though I can never enter someone else’s mind, I can reach out beyond the self and, joining my life to an other, create the things that exist only in virtue of being shared: trust, friendship and love. So, though I can never enter the consciousness of God, I can still pledge myself to Him in faithfulness, listening to His voice as it is recorded in the Torah and responding to His affirmation of my personhood. Together we bring into being what neither God-without-man nor man-without-God could create: a society of free persons respecting one another’s freedom. Marriage is the binding relationship with otherness that brings new life into being and allows us to experience the covenantal dimension of the world. Until we can relate to another human being through covenant—the word given and received and honoured in faithfulness—we cannot relate to God that way either.[3]
If Sacks is right, then marriage is the most important and most critical relationship I will ever experience. We might even suggest that it is more fundamental than my relationship with YHVH because “without the trust we learn as children and practice as marriage partners we could not respond to the trustfulness of the universe, which is the experience of reality under the sovereignty of God.”[4]
Carefully consider these insights. First, marriage is voluntary covenantal commitment, but it is not optional. Why? Because without it I can never learn the role of trust and consequently, I can never learn to trust God. This is why the actions of parents in the marriage are crucially important for the child’s relationship with God. Battered, bruised and broken marriages, even without divorce, significantly alter a child’s ability to trust God. The universe is no longer a place of safety and care. The sins of the fathers have traumatic consequences. This means that marriages that are not places of mutual, voluntary pledges of freedom are actually idolatrous. They erect a god in the image of power and control, even if that “god” is nothing more than the dominant assertions of one of the partners.
Secondly, since marriage is the foundational relationship, my ability to honor and trust God is a direct consequence of what I practice and experience in marriage. This is true for the partners as well as the children. How I treat my partner, and how I am treated by my partner, directly affects my treatment and experience of God. I understand grace because I have experienced grace in the arms of another. I understand faith because I have given and received faithfulness with my partner. I understand love because I have been loved. And, of course, the opposite is just as true and certain. Damage to grace, faith, and love begins in the home. The baggage we bring to the river crossing are suitcases that were packed by our parents’ behavior. The sins of the fathers are inside, wrapped in feelings.
Topical Index: marriage, now, happa’am, at last, covenant, Genesis 2:23
[1] UT C.H. Gordon, Ugaritic Textbook, 1965 (Grammar cited by chapter and section; texts cited by chap (16) and no. of line. Glossary cited by chap (19) and no. of word)
[2] Hamilton, V. P. (1999). 1793 פָּעַם. In R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke (Eds.), Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament (730).
[3] Jonathan Sacks, Radical Then Radical Now, p. 86.
[4] Ibid.
Let me be very open and honest here. How is it that I can come from failed relationships of the nth degree, absolutely rotten examples of parenting, complete and total cast away for 99% of my childhood and into adulthood, failed marriage, failed father myself (not that that hasn’t been a continuous process of repair), I could go on and on but, I think you get the point without me having to totally come clean with all my failures and those of my parents, yet seem, by all accords, to have an incredibly amazing relationship and trust with the Creator of heaven and earth, and restorer of things broken?
Is HaShem so small that He can’t restore such a person so broken from their past to not be able to enter into a total trusting honorable relationship with Him? How can it be that I would be unable to totally trust or honor God because I don’t have a marriage that makes that a reality (from the gist of what I read)?
Do we not have plenty of examples in the text that show us it is in fact very possible for a man of God to have a trusting and complete relationship with God without marriage? Does Paul not say “But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.”? Am I to understand Paul didn’t trust God? Or couldn’t experience the fullness of right relationship with Him?
While I can agree that marriage can be a great thing, I think Sacks is incorrect if his assertion is we can’t truly and fully experience the deepest, most intimate, trusting, honorable relationship possible, with God, without it. Where does it tell us that in scripture? I absolutely know it is very possible, in some cases even more plausible, to have a complete and total trusting relationship with God, in every way, without the experience of either a good marriage or not having had one at all. While mine isn’t perfect (whose is, marriage or no marriage?), I don’t think it’s lacking in the trust and honor department without the marriage. Just sayin…
In fact, I’d even go further than that and say, I think “because” of the brokenness and failures, lack of good parenting examples, failed marriage, etc. I have a “more” intimate, trusting and honor based relationship, with God.
I agree that most of us suffer from “less than biblical” examples, but that doesn’t mean the biblical ideal is less important. Ideally, marriage is the ultimate human exemplar of God’s relationship with us. That’s why He chose it as the language of the covenant. Of course, He can and does work around our failures, but that doesn’t mean the exemplar is of no use. It is still the way it’s supposed to be.
I surely wouldn’t say it’s of no use. Nor would I say He doesn’t intend for us to be married. I completely do agree with that.
But, I would also say that if we aren’t, for what could be a multiple amount of reasons, our ability to trust and honor God isn’t diminished either.
Sure there will be things that we don’t get to experience but, not trust and honor for God.
Those who are not married and/or have never been married do miss out on something, as the rabbis notice. That doesn’t mean they can’t experience trust and honor, but there is something different about trust and honor within the covenant contract of marriage that isn’t really duplicated anywhere else in human relationships. Sacks points out in other places that monogamy was the INVENTION of the Hebrews, and the implications are important. The fact that YHVH uses marriage as His example is also important. No one will deny that YHVH can and does involve those who are not married, but that isn’t the same as saying that marriage isn’t important for a full living example of what YHVH has in mind. Hosea speaks to this. YHVH does call some to not be married, and that does not diminish their relationship with Him, but “a man without a wife diminishes the world” is a statement about the relationship with the WORLD, not with YHVH. Marriage is a billboard for God, not the only means to access God.
I completely agree about the importance and significance of marriage. And I have no doubts the rabbi’s have a lot to say about it too. But, I guess my response to the OP is in regards to the statement “without it we can never learn to trust God”. I don’t believe that’s true at all. I don’t know of any scripture that would even imply that. Of course, I’m not a walking talking bible either so I might have not seen it, rabbinical opinion aside.
Mark, you said- ” I think “because” of the brokenness and failures, lack of good parenting examples, failed marriage, etc. I have a “more” intimate, trusting and honor based relationship, with God.”
That’s great! I agree; I have the same such experience as well. The way I understand it, is that our ABBA is ever so gracious and merciful to the strangers, the orphans,and the widows. That is His same heart towards those whom He know are oppressed, in trying times, and desperately need Him.
HE is amazing! HE watches over those who have a need for Him, and directs their paths. HalleluYAH! Shalom!
Oops I was to ask about the same question since I never married…by the way I am new here and I want to say that Skip helped me a lot to understand crucial things about the Word and I am very grateful that I can be part of it! I have red Gardian angel and it healed the way I was looking at myself as a woman..This article is very good but I believe that there are some people who YHVH Himself maybe chose not to marry at all or some people who chose themselves not to marry for His sake.
Off course they can have a close relationship with YHVH even without marriage I am sure. I believe that the purpose of YHVH is really to marry and multiply but not always is that the case.
Shalom to all at Gods Table!
Welcome, Dvorah!
My wife and I were warmly welcomed when we came to God*s Table. May you be as blessed as we have been, Dvorah.
Marriage is a one-flesh experience. We can spiritualize everything else about religion, it seems, but when it comes to the relationship of the Body with each other, and with our Head, the whole thing has to manifest in reality, but I have noticed that it will ALWAYS do so in some form of duality. Love is not something I perfect by myself over in some corner. Love is always going to be between me and another; or, many others. Love is some sort of union with the other, and that union will always be on all levels.
“One flesh” implies the losing of myself in the self of the other, and, conversely, finding who I truly am only in the context of that other. Its like I don’t even get to be real until I am real to someone else. Its the story of the skin horse in the Velveteen Rabbit. When I have spent my all on the reality of the other, then I get to be real myself.
I never knew who I really was until I found myself desperate beyond all thought of myself to be acknowledged (loved) in the eyes and in the heart of another. My very need to exist was something someone else was just casually walking around with in their pocket, and it drove me to lengths of frustration that I would have never chosen to go otherwise.
I think sex in the context of marriage (total commitment) gives us that template of immersion on all levels; physical, mental and spiritual, that teaches us on all those levels how love works. There just simply is no ‘spiritual’ exercise that is ever going to be able to do the same thing, although I have noticed that people go to no end of trying!
Sounds like I should write something about “spiritual sex” 🙂
Please do!
We’re talking about very high standards for marriage here. There are those who, for whatever reason, do not marry. Yeshua talked about this in Matthew 19:11-12. How does our subject of the day fit in with what He had to say?
I find this post discouraging. I thought I trusted Abba. I thought I was growing in trusting Him. I thought my trust in Him carried me through a chaotic broken family of origin. I thought my trust in Him grew as I saw Him rescue and grow me up through two scary dangerous marriages. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don’t know the first thing about trusting God.
Don’t overreact (unless it is to make a point, of course). Yes, you are learning to trust. Yes, He brought you through broken family stuff and other things. Yes, He is steadfastly reliable. But the point is that God Himself uses the marriage model as the way IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. For most of us, it isn’t that way. So He operates with what we have, but HE STILL wishes it would have been as He designed it.
As for finding a good husband, I have really no idea where to look. Virtually every biblical model is flawed in some way. Start with a man who knows what the ezer kenegdo is. 🙂
I thought I was learning about trust in my faith community. But maybe a husband is what I really need. Where do I find a good one?
Again, sorry for the length, tried to keep it brief.
Perhaps what Skip and R. Sacks are pointing too is not marriage itself as much as the space that is managed between marriage partners and the resulting consequences of that management. Maybe the reason that marriage is the “premier” example of our relationship with God is that while I may be able to engage in any number of activities that have little if no bearing on my friends, enemies or neighbors, (risky statement) that is not true of a marriage. No matter what I contemplate, engage in or even consider doing has a direct impact on how I perceive and therefore treat my spouse and how we inter react. In other words, how I manage that space in between us is the reality that is true for me and her, as well as the others we encounter.
Here’s an interesting “scientific” (?) fact that I read the other day. One of the properties that water displays, is refraction of light. An experiment was done where they didn’t change the “physical” properties in water but rather they induced current at a molecular level to change the charges (therefore affecting the space between the physical properties of water) of the atoms and that “water” would then “focus” light instead of refracting it. Same physical properties, different reality (pretty scary stuff, I wonder what else it does or doesn’t do) achieved by simply altering (managing) the space between.
For your consideration, Gen. 1, day 3. Correcting the “waters from waters” to “the waters toward waters” as displayed by the preposition “lamed” and correcting the “mem” as found in the term “dividing”. Verse 6. (my translation) (if you want to check it out go to biblehub.com and put the book and chapter name in and push “interlinear”, that will show you the Hebrew. It reads right to left) “and said Elohim, let becoming an “expanding” in the midst of the waters, and let it becoming from dividing between waters toward waters”. God later called that expanding place “the heavens” or the place that authority/rulership comes from. To catch the picture, follow the motion. As water moves and interacts with other water, a space is created between that dictates authority. Come to find out, the space between entities and how it’s configured is as important as the separate entities, maybe more. How much of the reality we experience is perpetrated by ourselves and how we manage that space. Science says it changes the entities reality and how it functions in real time, God says it goes deeper. It changes the entire world, what happened when a third party was allowed to enter and influence the space between Adam and Eve? Reality changed. Have you ever wondered what the words, “repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” involved? Maybe it’s more to do with what we create than what we destroy.
YHWH bless you and keep you…..
The space you mentioned, Robert, would be the mutual respect boundary so needed in any relationship. Being sensitive and considerate to the other is crucial to relating with one another. Being ‘quick to hear, and slow to speak’ always works.
Sadly, we do re-act / respond differently under different situations, as your water example shows.
Shalom!
Mal Amor
Y el hombre dijo: Esta es ahora hueso de mis huesos, y carne de mi carne; ella será llamada mujer, porque del hombre fue tomada. Gen 2:23 LBLA
Ahora – ¡El versículo que no se da por vencido! Hemos regresado a él una y otra vez, descubriendo más profundidad. Ya notamos qué “el hombre” (ja-Adam) altera su propia identidad ante la presencia de la mujer. Se llama a sí mismo ish, no Adán a causa de ishah. Ahora notamos la palabra jappa’am (traducido como ahora en la Biblia las Américas) Es una palabra interesante.
Hay numerosas versiones para tiempos en el pa’am es uno de los elementos. “Esta si” (happa’am) es hueso de mis huesos” (Gen 2:23). “Y hablare”, pero ‘esta vez’ ” (‘ak-happa’am) (Gen 18:32).” ‘Esta vez’ (‘attâ happa’am) mi marido se unirá a mí” (Gen 29:34).” “Muchas veces” (pĕ’āmîm Rabbot) los libró” (Salmo 106: 43). Pa’am hebreo es una mezcla de p’m Ugaritico “tiempo” y p’n (fenicio P’M) “pie” (Gordon, UT [1] 19: nos. 1998, 2076). [2]
Quizá necesitamos meditar en ambos orígenes lingüísticos. Quizá el hombre dice más que “ahora”. ¿Supones que esta construcción lingüística apunta a la relación fundamental, El pie de cada otra relación humana incluyendo nuestra relación con Dios?
Jonathan Sacks nos llama la atención a un punto crucial.
No es accidente que la Biblia toma el matrimonio como la metáfora central para la relación entre Dios y el hombre. Para el judaísmo la fe religiosa no es misteriosa. No necesita sacrificio de la mente, ni saltar al vacío. Es precisamente como el gesto de compromiso que hago en una relación humana cuando me prometo a mí mismo hacia otro, cuyo cuerpo puedo ver pero cuya conciencia debe estar siempre más allá de mi alcance. Mi capacidad para formar relaciones me dice que aunque nunca pueda entrar a la mente de otro, puedo trascender el yo y, uniendo mi vida con otro, crear cosas que sólo existen en virtud de ser compartidas: confianza, amistad y amor. Entonces, aunque nunca pueda entrar a la conciencia de Dios, todavía puedo prenderme a él en fidelidad, escuchando su voz tal como está registrada en la Torá y respondiendo a su ratificación de mi persona. Juntos traemos a existencia lo que no podría, Dios – sin el hombre ni el hombre – sin Dios, crear: una sociedad de personas libres respetando las libertades los unos de los otros. El matrimonio es la relación vinculante con otra entidad que trae una nueva vida al ser y permite que experimentemos esa dimensión de pacto del mundo. Hasta que podamos relacionarnos con otro ser humano a través del pacto – la palabra empeñada y recibida y honrada en fidelidad – no podemos relacionarnos con Dios de esa manera tampoco. [3]
Si Sacks está en lo correcto, entonces el matrimonio es la relación más crítica e importante que jamás experimentare. Podríamos incluso sugerir que es más fundamental que mi relación con YHVH porque “sin la confianza que aprendemos Como hijos y práctica como cónyuges no podemos responder a la confianza del universo, la cual es la experiencia de la realidad bajo la soberanía de Dios.” [4]
Considera cuidadosamente estas observaciones. Primero, el matrimonio es el compromiso de pacto voluntario, no es opcional. ¿Porque? Porque sin él Jamás podré entender el papel de la confianza y consecuentemente jamás podría aprender a confiar en Dios. Este es por lo que las acciones de los padres en el matrimonio son de crucial importancia para la relación de los hijos con Dios. Los matrimonios aporreados golpeados moreteados y quebrantados, aún sin un divorcio, alteran significativamente la habilidad de los hijos a confiar en Dios. El universo ya no es un lugar de seguridad y cuidado. Los pecados de los padres tienen consecuencias traumáticas. Esto significa que los matrimonios que no son lugares de promesas voluntarias de libertad mutua son en realidad idólatras. Erigen un dios a la imagen del poder y control, aún si ese “dios” no es nada más que las aseveraciones dominantes de uno o de los cónyuges.
Segundo, ya que el matrimonio es la relación fundamental, mi habilidad para honrar y confiar en Dios es una consecuencia directa de lo que yo practico y experimento en el matrimonio. Esto es cierto para los cónyuges como para los hijos. Como yo trato a mi cónyuge y como yo soy tratado por mi cónyuge, afecta directamente mi trato y mi experiencia con Dios. Yo entiendo la gracia porque he experimentado gracia en los brazos de alguien más. Entiendo la fe porque es dado y recibido fidelidad con mi pareja. Entiendo el amor porque he sido amado. Y claro está que lo opuesto es tan certero y verdadero. El daño a la gracia, fe y amor comienza en el hogar. El bagaje que traemos al cruce del río son las maletas que fueron empacadas por el comportamiento de nuestros padres. Los pecados de los padres están dentro, envueltos en sentimientos.
[1] UT C.H. Gordon, Ugaritic Textbook, 1965 (Grammar cited by chapter and section; texts cited by chap (16) and no. of line. Glossary cited by chap (19) and no. of word)
[2] Hamilton, V. P. (1999). 1793 פָּעַם. In R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke (Eds.), Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament (730).
[3] Jonathan Sacks, Radical Then Radical Now, p. 86.
[4] Ibid.
Thank you John and Thomas for your kind welcome to me at Gods Table!
What about Shaul or Paul, he was never married, and there were others. I know that YHVH intended like Skip said for a man and a woman to marry so they are the complete image of Him. Imagine a man and a woman reflecting YHVH, being one flesh, which I think beside sex is having a task from YHVH, like yoked together for a work? I think its so beautiful how He intended things to be..my question is if someone did not marry and experienced this one flesh what kind of relationship for example did Shaul had with YHVH? If the man is like Israel and the woman is like YHVH caring for Israel in love, protection, providing ect?
There is some question about Sha’ul being married. It is unlikely that he would have been next in line for chief rabbi if he were not married. But there are others, and God does call some to that life. It is, however, not the expected norm.
Thanks skip but what about 1 Cor. 7 verse 8? Is Paul not saying to remain unmarried like him?
Remember that meaning depends on CONTEXT. What was happening in Corinth that Paul would advise such? He wasn’t writing for YOU. He was writing for the people in that city at that time.
Shalom everyone at Gods Table! I would like to introduce myself to you. My real name is Luisa la Serpe but I prefer my Hebrew name Dvorah. I was born in Holland in the city of Rotterdam. In august I will be 55 years old. If you wonder about my last name its because my father was an Italian coming from Naples. I was raised there with my grandmother and we were catholic. My childhood was very turbulent and difficult but somehow I always new that God was there and I know that because of Him I survived. I have a daughter which God gave me 9 years ago when I clearly understood from God to take her as my daughter and to take care of her. Her name is Anastasia. She is the reason I am now living in Finland. I am not going to any church but a vew times I went to the synagoge in Delft in Holland. We celebrate Shabbat and we study Torah and do our best to walk Gods instructions for life. In Finland its quite difficult to find others similar in faith but its not a barricade or obstacle to live Torah and to study it. Like I said Skip helped me a lot to understand Hebrew thinking since I come from one of the biggest Pentecostal churches in Holland where I have also ministered as an evangelist for years. I have been send as an missionary to Brazil and worked there in the most poor and dirty slums of Fortaleza. When God led me to Israel He clearly spoke to me to stop the ministry and start totally new with Him. Now my mind has been changing the last 8 years of studding the Hebrew letters to start with and to learn about the real Biblical concepts of YHVH. I really hope to continue with you all and grow more into Hebrew thinking! Blessings!
Thank you for introducing yourself. We are very glad to have you along for the journey.
Welcome Dvorah!!
Shalom, Dvorah! Warm welcome to you, as we dig deep into Hebraic mindset together with Skip. Thank you for introducing yourself. A blessing to have you here. We have much to learn from one another on this amazing journey with ABBA. 🙂
Thanks and be blessed!