The Bible’s Facebook
A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24 NASB
Too many friends – “A trait often present in people with negative self-images is that they try to please everyone. . . . These people-pleasers are unquestionably unhappy people.”[1] This assessment demands that we ask, “What constitutes a negative self-image?” If being a people-pleaser is so dangerous to our own well-being, then we must know the symptoms so that we can take steps to change. In the age of Facebook, where “relationships” are quantified by the number of digital responses, it is vital to understand why people think they must play to the crowd.
Rabbi Abraham Twerski notes, “people who have negative self-images are extraordinarily sensitive.” He comments that people who think of themselves as inadequate are likely to overreact to ordinary stresses in life. They project their inadequacies into the responses they get from others, believing that they are being criticized even though the reply is generally benign. Why does this happen? The answer may be hidden in this proverb. “Too many friends” is the Hebrew word re’im. The text actually does not say, “too many.” It reads, “A man of companions.” But this doesn’t seem right. Doesn’t everyone need friends? Aren’t companions good to have? The sense of the proverb lies in the contrast between re’im and ‘ohev, the word used in the second half of the verse. Here it is translated “a friend,” but the Hebrew comes from the love ‘ahev, the word for “love.” In other words, this proverb contrasts those who are casual but uncommitted “friends” with a true “love.” By replacing “lover” with “a friend,” the English avoids gender issues but obscures the real intent. There are only a few who are true lovers of who we are. Perhaps, in the end, there is only one. We may have hundreds of Facebook friends, but when life requires undying commitment, most of them will fade into the cyberspace of forgetting. A true love, an ‘ohev, is one who sticks closer than a brother. And let me tell you, there aren’t many of those.
Why do we need this linguistic correction in the proverb? Because people-pleasing is a mass market affair. Because if our self-image is tied to the volume of acquaintances, we will forever doubt that we are truly loved. Because in the end, Facebook cannot know us as we really are. Relying on the digital encounters of an age without deep connection will only lead to ruin. Why? Because we will never be sure that who we are is good enough. What we need, what each one of us truly needs, is an ‘ohev who is closer than a brother. We need someone who knows us to the core and who we know in the same way. We need genuine companionship built on open transparency. If we can’t find anyone like that in our Facebook world, then we probably will have a very difficult time with God as well. He can’t be ‘ohev until we are open to finding an ‘ohev. Perhaps that’s the real power of the Messiah. He came as ‘ohev for each of us so that we could experience YHVH as ‘ohev.
Negative self-image begins with thinking that who I am as I am is not enough to be loved. It proceeds by attempting to manipulate my world to give me the affirmation I long to experience. But because I start with suspicion, I cannot experience true affirmation. If I want to be known and to know, I will have to put my Facebook world aside and search for the one ‘ohev who clings to me no matter what (that, by the way, is the verb davaq which first appears in Genesis 2:24).
Topical Index: friends, re’im, ‘ohev, lover, davaq, Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 18:24, self-image
[1] Rabbi Mordechain Dinerman, Rabbi Yanki Tauber, David Pelcovitz, How Happiness Thinks, p. 20.
Most excellent, brother Skip, and amen! May I have your permission to share this? (where else but on Facebook!). I’ve also seen in our soon-to-be POTUS what seems to be an ‘oversensitivity’ to criticism. As my mother used to say, “Son, consider the source.” (Thanks mom!).
Yes, “friendship” is critical to our existence. Friendship is (according to H. Clay Trumbull) the “master passion.” Ahh, but how we (Americans?) have butchered the word “friend!” Maybe the Beatles weren’t too far from the truth when they sang, “All You Need Is Love.” But the love that we need (both in giving and receiving) is from Above. The love we truly desire in found in the One who “laid down His life for His friends!”
Paul too, had it right.. — “that I may know Him…”
Share away!
Lol! I gave you a “Facebook” like!
A very fine distinction, and a valuable gem, Skip. Nice save!
Motives. We are going to have to talk about motives if we are to get to the bottom of this one. You talk about suspicion as a motive. That would be covered under the glitch of bigotry. “You are ‘different’ somehow than me, therefore I am unable to relate to you” is the self talk of suspicion, and it arises from the peculiar fact that, when we are already feeling like an alien to ourselves, we project that onto others.
“Negative self image” is a secular term. “Self hatred” would be a spiritual one, and perhaps more descriptive. Rejection, self and otherwise, is always to be found under the umbrella of hatred, along with a whole host of other heebie jeebies. Order of operations as per the Two Great Commands tells us that if we hate ourselves we are not going to be able to rise above that with others.
“Deep calls to deep”. The self rejection in me is going to attract the same in others, and, as we have to have relationship even though it kills us, we flock to our kind like a band of desperados. A person in self rejection is only going to feel ‘safe’, paradoxically, around others who are likewise self rejecting. Weird, but true. We have to relate, but we can only relate to those who look like us!
I am convinced that every species of sin has its own genetic ‘marker’, or, if you like, pheromone signal, that is picked up by transponders in others who are similarly suffering. Ever wonder how two messed up people on the same wavelength can pick each other out of a crowd? Its like our proteins get bent and so we have to find another who is bent in the same direction. Excuse me, make that an infinite number of others, for I instinctively know the improbability of finding another person who can actually handle my bentness. I know I sure can’t! “Inordinate affection” looks more like spooning (sorry, but the term fits) than it does like two upright people carrying their own weight. Crooked people carry each other’s weight, and, no, contrary to what I believed for years, that is not righteousness!
The verse asks “can two walk together except they be agreed?” and the answer is, “no”, but notice that you cannot actually walk unless you are standing up straight on your own two feet. True relationship is only possible when we do not ask another to carry us. I cannot respect myself in the places that I am not taking my own responsibility. Even marriages between spoons eventually break under the weight of each other. You cannot respect what you are using as a prop. DIsrespect lies at the bottom of all forms of bent relationships, and disrespect is a foundation made of sand.
Sorry, Cliff Notes required: relationships not made in heaven consist of people seeking out others who are suffering in similar ways. We all need sympathy and we look for it, instinctively, in others who are suffering like we are, but what we really want is to foist our load off onto others, for we are self toxic. So, we go trolling for those who are like us. Crooked relationships collapse, eventually, under the weight of each other. Only true relationship (which consists of two people who are standing up straight in self respect) can survive because only it can afford to respect the fact that we all must carry our own weight. Only people who are loving themselves (taking care of themselves first) are truly equipped to love others.
The point of my post is at the beginning I’m sorry
Yeh. About that concept where one places the point of their conversation at the beginning of the written discussion and then branches off from there.
One learns that in the latter year of high school, i believe, i learned it in Journalism class, myself, in the 9th grade.
It’s hard to tell, but Laurita didn’t get that far in formal education. She’s self taught, even thou her vocabulary and ability to express her self in written form in no way reflects that.
So. Your point, for me, went over my head for a few hours, i had to think about what you thought you were saying to her.
Then i had to figure out why you would say it. I’m still considering that aspect of your comment.
2nd Peter 1.7 speaks of Brotherly kindness closer than a brother. 10 Proverbs 18. 24 where we are today speaks of closer than a brother. Wisdom is also called a friend 7.4 also a friend loves at all times 17.17. Faithful are the wounds of a friend 27.6. And the list goes on. I see it as a friend is one who is true the tough times. Similar to the Good Samaritan. The microscope will tell us that’s a true friend is not what he looks like on the outside but it is what it is the heart that we are to look at man looks at the outward appearance but God judges the heart. 1st Samuel. 16.7. Matthew 7 .6 do not give to the dogs what is sacred do not throw your pearls do the pigs. The New Living Translation uses the word holy instead of sacred . What does holy it is to be separate from the world and placed and very High esteem.Protect that which is important to you.
Brother Brett, you make a very good point. To be equipped to be in relationship is to be strong enough to be a protector. We all want powerful friends; people in high places. A truly strong person is one who is fully submitted to the protectorship of heaven, which jealously guards not only its own, but whatever is made the interests of its own. Heaven loves who I love; indeed, it considers all that I love to be merely an extension of me. I can trust myself to protect all I consider mine when I know how to trust heaven to protect both me and mine, and others can trust me to the extent that I am trustworthy, which is a natural extension of trust which is based above. Trust should only be put in a source of true power and in those who are proven agents of that power. If I have learned one thing, it would be this: never trust weakness.
We are also a kingdom of Kings and Priests. We have a high responsibility praying for those in the community and helping wherever we can a servant leader. President Lincoln was known as a man of velvet Steel when he spoke his words were comforting and uplifting yet you could trust what he said and he lived many in battle and Victory. I should add also that Yeshua is our Prince of Peace if he is our Prince and his city is a peace one piece is what we guard due to the point that he gave us a covenant of peace. My family always stood by the rule peace at all costs no matter what.
Here is Shaul’s divinely inspired apostolic prayer and, therefore, assurance of YHWH’s divine will and promise for His own to have the correct self-image and, if possible, the fulfillment of His plan and design of ohev with others, apart from which will only be some form or another of a dysfunctional (“co-dependent”) relationship, even if “ohev” –
“I pray that from His glorious riches He would grant you to be strengthened in your inner being with power through His Ruach, so that Messiah may dwell in your hearts through faith. I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to grasp with all the kedoshim what is the width and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Messiah which surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled up with all the fullness of God.” [Eph 3:16-19]
Maybe what we need most, among men, is to grow in autonomous emotional well-being more than to seek ohev. If ohev happens, praise YHWH. But that, too, is only temporal, especially if we are on the path of righteousness that shines brighter and brighter until the full light of day. Even ohev for Messiah was found lacking in the end as He did the will of the Father. Can we stand alone and still have joy, like Messiah, above all His brethren? No greater love has one for another. This maybe our highest goal.
More power to you, one and all!
The Fullness Of God
Jerry, Eph 3:16-19 points out that the love of Christ knows no limits.
It is absolute. Perfect. As such, it is beyond our human understanding.
Yet, we ARE able to experience it!
The amazing truth about the friendship of Yeshua is the great quid pro quo
where we give ourselves over to Him in faith and receive back a relationship that’s
not otherwise available in this earthly existence.
How full I am in Him!
Pual reiterated. Do we seek God’s favour or mans… The question how do we seek God’s favour without affecting others perceptions or view of ourselves?
Even Jesus faced the same return on his growth in God’s favour… Luke 2:52
Or are we talking about two different relationships when we reflect on our friendship circle…
Popularity is not what we seek, acceptance seems to be what we must work towards… So that God can be glorified. Jesus fell from 72 disciples to 12 and even 1 of these sold him out… Is this what we need to find only 11 true friends…
I was waiting to see if the discussion would come to this place where it would be appropriate 2 explain something Ephesians chapter 2 tells us that Grace is the unmerited favor. All of the characters mentioned in the Bible either did or did not have favor in God’s eyes how so? And Noah found Grace in the eyes of the Lord we’ve heard this before the Lord does not have to respond this way but he does. In Galatians we are told God is Not mocked whatsoever a man soweth he shall he shall also reap. It is a principle God has set in the universe in the book of Genesis beginnings Lord tells us. As long as I exist there will be sowing and reaping seeds bearing of its own kind. Shalom
Thought I needed to add John 14. 21 New Living Translation those who accept my Commandments and Obey them are the ones who love me and because they love me my father will love them and I will love them and reveal myself to them. Just as the father loves me I love you as the father and I are one you and I are one
I am with you Brett. Bottom line is love God do his commandments as clarified by Yeshua and we will be seeking the Kingdom… And we need then to just trust that our lives will go as God intended… Easy principle but difficult to follow through.