Guardian Angel: A postscript
Guardian Angel is a terrifying book for men. It shouldn’t be, but it is. And not for all men, it seems. Some men just get it. Their relationships with their wives are on such solid footing that they recognize the blessing a wife can be and they welcome the biblical validation. But not most men.
Women, on the other hand, read Guardian Angel and feel comforted. They realize, sometimes for the first time, that their instincts for nurturing, care, protection and correction are godly, purposefully designed into the very fabric of who they are as women. They read Guardian Angel and feel empowered. At last they have biblical affirmation of their uniqueness, their strength, their clarity for God’s purposes. They read Guardian Angel and feel fulfilled. Now they see that the history of the Church has deliberately throttled their capabilities and their aspirations. Now they know that God wants them, needs them and plans for them to be vital contributors to His Kingdom.
But most men read Guardian Angel and feel fear. Of course, if they are open-minded enough to actually follow the argument and the exegesis, they will agree that the typical Church view of women is not biblical, that God has designed women to uniquely represent His purposes in specific spheres of influence and that they are intended to be a blessing, not a curse, to their husbands. But this doesn’t really help. It sets up a great schism of cognitive dissonance, that abyss where I know what is true but am unable to put it into action. Men are afraid to let women play the role they know God intended because to do so would mean setting aside control and, more importantly, the hope of filling their own felt needs. This fear is so powerful that men either reject the biblical teaching of Guardian Angel or they submit to the newly discovered role of their wives but hide who they really are behind impenetrable walls of numbing behavior.
I realize that this “analysis” seems too academic. It’s time for real examples. And the best person to use as an example is the author of the book since I know him better than anyone else in the world.
I wrote Guardian Angel because I saw the travesty of the typical treatment and theological bias toward to women. As I read Scripture, especially the Hebrew text of Genesis, it became clear to me that God’s design was radically different than religious practice, no matter what major religion one examined. I hoped to clarify the original design in order to provide inspiration and validation for women—and as a result, vastly improve relationships with husbands. But I underestimated the resistance two thousand years of cultural training can create. I know how this most vital relationship is supposed to work, but I find myself in constant internal conflict over what I know to be true but am afraid to allow. It’s important for me to understand why I feel such resistance, especially since it is not over disagreement about the meaning of the biblical texts. What I discovered is emotional sabotage.
I grew up in a world where men don’t cry. In fact, not only do they not cry, they do their level best to remain aloof from emotion. Feelings are frighteningly out of control. Of course, I still want to feel good, but I don’t want the equally possible experience of feeling helpless, insignificant, worthless or governed. I want to be in charge of my world, not in some megalomaniacal way, but in a way that allows me to manage the world so that I have a reasonable chance at personal happiness. I don’t need all the power. I’m smart enough to see the anarchist behind such a desire. What I want is enough power so that I feel good about my life. That, of course, means exercising control over others. In my world, a man who is pushed along by other people is somehow defective. He is less than a man. He has failed.
What I realize now, in principle, is that this is the natural growth of the yetzer ha’ra, the motivating force that causes me to want to change the world to meet my needs. In its most basic form, it is absolutely necessary for life. I want shelter, but not just a sheet of corrugated metal on pieces of shipping crates. I want shelter that I can be proud of, that comforts me. I want food. Not sustenance. Meals! Good ones (at least sometimes). I want clothing that speaks about who I feel I am. And I want a wife who satisfies me. Ultimately I want children who love me and whom I love and a purpose for living that reaches beyond staying alive. What I discover, however, is that as these basic needs are fulfilled, my motivating energy expands to embrace more desires. One car becomes two. One vacation becomes many. One gourmet meal becomes several. One sexual experience becomes the desire for more—and better. The exercise of my yetzer ha’ra pushes me to control more and more of the world around me so that my desires, now categorized as “needs,” will continue to be fulfilled.
The ‘ezer kenegdo is a threat to all of this. She reins me in—for my own good, of course, since she is God’s brake on my speeding path toward self-in-control. But if often doesn’t feel like it is for my own good because she opposes the aggression of my yetzer ha’ra. I have a hard time submitting to her godly advice even if I know it is from God because underneath all this is my desire to have it my way. Perhaps the principal role of the ‘ezer kenegdo is simply to be there, to be a present physical reminder that I am not God and that He has in fact provided a way for me to acknowledge what submission really feels like.
So the ‘ezer kenegdo is a threat—but she is a glorious, heavenly threat because she is a threat to my constant temptation toward idolatry, that is, the worship of myself as the one in control. And what I discover in the process of allowing her to actually do what she was designed to do (to nurture, protect, provide and chastise me), is that this is what love really is, not “head over heels” emotional fantasy but rather the day-to-day lesson of mutual cooperation and intimate fellowship.
It just takes a long time for me to really undo all those years of training that opposed the Genesis design. Please forgive me along the way. I’m trying.
Skip Moen
2017
Great read some that I have shared it with can’t get ahold of the mindset of being rewired submission of the woman is the key word.. I tried to share that it’s the man’s role having faith and trusting and God’s provision to assist him is God’s intention.
Skip, thanks for sharing. This helps me understand what I see going on in my own marriage when I try and suggest things and get that unexpected response/resistance that I don’t know where it’s coming from or why it’s as intense as it is. I appreciate you sharing your experience and shedding some light on it for this ezer kenegdo!
Because of this book and the subsequent extended writings around this subject by you Skip; I to listen, view, accept what my wife has to offer in a totally different way. For the most part, I seek her counsel before I reach conclusions and most often bend to her direction.
In my Scripture conversations with others I often introduce the concept of the Ezer Kenegdo and that draws the women into the discussion. I have also learned to recognize that the failure to acknowledge the women’s guidance in relationships causes the greatest tension and resultant disconnect/divorce of couples. I’ll take the smiles of the women over the frowns of the men any day!
I read the book and just about all your follow up commentary on it. While at the same time I feel empowered as a woman to learn what scripture really says about our role, I feel great sadness that this truth ,when it is taught is fiercely rejected by some, or still remains widely unknown by the vast majority of the church because centuries old teachings are still being taught.
So that means you will have to spread the word. Another task for the ezer kenegdo.
Yep, you’re right! Little by little I’m doing my part. I told my sister about the book and we read it together and I encouraged a friend who also bought it and joined your devotional list.
Skip, when you reprint your book, maybe you should put this on the opening page.
Great idea. Thanks.
“So the ‘ezer kenegdo is a threat—but she is a glorious, heavenly threat because she is a threat to my constant temptation toward idolatry, that is, the worship of myself as the one in control. ”
AMEN! Perfectly said, Skip, our brother. Thank you sooooo much. We cheer you and Roseanne on through constant prayer. Be his glorious heavenly threat, Roseanne, be his flashlight, be his fence, be his pointman, be what he needs. We need you, Roseanne, to help Skip become more and more Godly… he changes lives and pushes us toward the One True God. We are so very thankful that God has brought both of you into our lives.
My husband of 23 years is finally really beginning to grasp this idea of my being a “glorious heavenly threat”… even with celebration and appreciation once he really examines the situation! Every single time he thanks me for being his perfect ezer kenegdo, my whole being feels stronger. Guardian Angel, for me, the woman, does exactly what you said it does for most women: “Women… read Guardian Angel and feel comforted. They realize… that their instincts for nurturing, care, protection and correction are godly, purposefully designed into the very fabric of who they are as women. They …feel empowered. At last they have biblical affirmation of their uniqueness, their strength, their clarity for God’s purposes. They…feel fulfilled. Now they see that the history of the Church has deliberately throttled their capabilities and their aspirations.”
Honestly, the first time I read Guardian Angel, I had to keep going back and re-reading and re-reading lines because I could not believe that a “Christian” author would actually try to unravel all the thousands of years of damage that people (including and maybe most appalling of all–women themselves–) /the church have done to women. I think the very first “feeling” I had once I grasped that you were trying to do just that was the sense of PROTECTION and VALIDATION. Many years of huge damage has been done to my sense of value as a woman and a wife by the church and “Christian” individuals who thought that shunning and browbeating and condemning me would, somehow, be the best thing for my children and my husband. Wow…
Thank you again and again, Skip. You know how to put into words what my weary soul has been crying out to say for decades.
The Guardian Angel book – well, put our 40+ year old marriage into a new stratosphere! As I read the book (yes – read it to him) to Jim on the way back and forth to KC – at first he was agitated, frustrated and really antagonistic… He thought it was ‘trying to take something away from him’ – or ‘elevate woman’. Well, by the time we finished the trip …and went over various points in the book…I asked him what he thought. He just shook his head and said…..”can’t disagree with a thing he said!” .. I was floored and exhilarated! Up to that point I had been soooo very frustrated – thinking I was just too bossy, too emotional, too spiritual – too SOMETHING! And Guardian Angel put all the pieces into place – for both of us. Now…our 47th year is fast approaching…and while we still struggle 🙂 …. we have so much to ‘lean back on’ – thanks Skip!
It is so rewarding to here this. Rosanne and I struggle too. Just because I can THINK my way into the paradigm doesn’t mean it becomes the automatic pattern of life. I am so much looking forward to seeing you in August in KC.
I know I’m late to the party today. Long work day.
I’d like to offer a perspective I haven’t seen anyone offer. If I missed it; my bad.
First, allow me to offer some personal background. I’m married. 40+ years to one woman. Children. Grandchildren. If I died tonight no one should feel sorry for me. I’ve lived a blessed life and my wife and I have built a successful marriage and family.
As for work: I don’t really have a “boss” per se, so I don’t have an ax to grind that drive my comments below. In the past I’ve had both male and female bosses. Some of the males were great to work with, some were a pain. Some of the females were great to work with, some were a pain.
Here are some points I haven’t seen brought forward:
– Men’s reaction to this teaching can leave them feeling squeezed. This teaching, true or not, can leave them feeling that their wife is in some way the “lead” at home. Then when they go to work they can get the message that women need to be given advantages and opportunities to move them ahead of equally (or better) qualified men. They answer to women at home and answer to women at work. What is left for a man? They have no place to exercise their own role. The ezer teaching makes them feel subject to a woman at home. The culture makes them feel subject to women at work. They are squeezed.
– The culture is increasingly sending out a message that can be summed up as “men suck.” It is not uncommon to see articles about how women are surpassing men at this or that. CNN quote: For the first time in history, women are better educated, more ambitious and arguably more successful than men.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/10/04/opinion/bennett-men-in-trouble/
Why? Why are men less successful than women? I don’t have an answer to that but whatever the cause may be I observe it as true and so do other men. This leaves some men with no place to be what God designed them to be.
In your third paragraph you say, “But most men read Guardian Angel and feel fear.” Allow me to give you a different perspective: Most men read Guardian Angel and feel lost.
What is left to them? Sports. Gaming. Porn. Substance abuse. Perpetual adolescence.
I am not condoning. I am turning the viewpoint to compassion for men, especially sincerely believing men. Men are bombarded with negative messaging for being male.
They are told they aren’t the leaders at home and BTW they aren’t leaders outside the home. The culture often tells them they are bad simply for being male. A Bible teacher tells them they can’t face facts because those facts are terrifying, they don’t “get it” (two words used as a club in the work place), that they feel fear, helpless, worthless, governed. Negative. Negative. Negative. You’re bad, bad, bad.
Skip, I’m not a specialist in your field. Maybe your exegesis is beyond reproach, maybe it’s not. I’m not informed enough to make an independent decision on that and I’m not aware of a well qualified person who has critiqued your teaching.
IMHO you could show more compassion and mercy to men who deal with the reality I have attempted to outline above.
I value your ministry.
Thanks.
an excellent reply. Yes, I believe the culture foists this message on men. The culture in the first world West is virtually feminist and anti-family. And yes, I am sure most men feel squeezed and lost. But I am not talking about the culture, which, in my opinion, is very much opposed to ANY biblical model. I am writing about the biblical role of men and women. I note in Proverbs 31 that the man has the wonderful responsibility of community management. He looks toward what others needs to make the whole community holy. He stewards the earth. He exercises God’s perspective on life. These are huge responsibilities. But I don’t see the typical “Prophet, priest and king” assignment for men in the home. Actually, there isn’t a single verse in Scripture that combines these three. It appears to me that this is an attempt of Christian men to address the culture squeeze. Anyway, Yes, we must push back against the cultural mistakes. Women are not men and are not intended to be men. Men as a gender have a vital role to play too. But I am only trying to get them to see that they need to allow their wives to act as ezer kenegdo and this will produce the environment of mutual cooperation and blessing that changes life for both. Maybe I should write a sequel about males?
Yes please write that sequel Skip!
I agree with you Skip, in that the culture is very much opposed to ANY biblical model.
What is missing is the harmony of working together and serving others. So few are concerned with serving and focused instead on receiving. “What’s in it for me?”
Marriage is no different. Spouses need to be serving each other as well. But again the culture is so anti-marriage it’s hard to know how to be married and be successful at it! Even “successful” might be the wrong word, I personally am thinking more of the peace that comes with a right focus.
Perhaps we need to stop focusing on the culture trends. Focus more on serving and doing what we inherently know is right and good.
That sequel would be a great read! Perhaps in your spare time? LOL 🙂
Skip! Yes, please, please, PLEASE DEFINITELY write a sequel for men!!! It is DESPERATELY needed!!! I’ll be the first to purchase a copy!!!
Still waiting on the sequel for men Skip, please write it!
Me too 🙂
My wife and I agree completely with Daniel Jones’ comments and with Skip’s following reply. With responsibility comes accountability. Too often men and women want to hold the other accountable for their own lacks. A book regarding the man’s role would be helpful. In the end, male and female, the mandate Yeshua has given all of us is simple. Serve. As He did, so should we. History has a way of complicating things. Together we can recover the simplicity.
Skip
You are spot on. I understand what Daniel Jones was saying, you see, women have been oppressed for so long, that the rise of feminism has the pendulum swinging too far in the opposite direction. Once women got their “freedom” so to speak, it has caused a backlash at men and some women are trying to dominate which has left men not knowing what their role is and feeling unsure of themselves and they don’t like it.
I believe in light of the current climate of society, and Daniel has described it well, men are afraid that women want to take over and dominate them. That women want to “rule the roost”, so to speak. Daniels statement “The ezer teaching makes them feel subject to a woman at home.” proves my point, In the defense of men, I do believe that they have every right to be concerned. I do believe that a woman who is NOT following YHWH could very well misuse and abuse this information to try and swing the odds in her favour to try to lead at home as well as get what she wants and that is ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!
The reason it is wrong? It is due to the fact that both men and women were created EQUAL!!!! Here is the clincher…..a woman who is a true child of YHWH UNDERSTANDS this and would absolutely NOT want to be above her husband, but desires to be his EQUAL in mutual submission with him. They are equally yoked to accomplish the SAME task…..they work TOGETHER!!! If she comes “against” him in matters, it is NOT because she is above him, she is EQUALLY YOKED BESIDE him and it would NOT be for HER benefit but for HIS benefit!!!! If you are equally yoked together, then you are going in the same direction….which SHOULD be the direction that YHWH wants you to go in. The sacrificed woman is NOT doing things for HER own benefit…..she is always looking how to BLESS her man!!!!
You see, if your woman is a TRUE child of YHWH then you, as her husband, have NOTHING to fear, but only benefits to gain because her entire being wants to bless her man!!! He should be REJOICING that he would have such a woman that would be sacrificed to YHWH and sacrificed and devoted to him for his benefit!!! Most importantly, a woman who is fully submitted to YHWH only wants what YHWH wants!!! She will be reading and studying scripture and praying to YHWH that she will ONLY do His will when it comes to her husband. She sacrifices herself to YHWH and subsequently sacrifices herself to her husband to build him up, to edify him, to help him become everything that is in alignment with the will of YHWH. Of course she is NOT perfect and can still make mistakes, however, they are LESS LIKELY if she is fully submitted and obedient to YHWH and determined to only do the will of YHWH as benefit for her husband and not to overstep her boundary. Also, if she has made a mistake, a husband who is fully submitted and obedient to YHWH, also reading and studying scripture would probably be able to spot an error because when you study the TRUTH so well that you know it intimately, it is far easier to spot an error.
This is probably the most important part. If both the wife and her husband are studying Scripture and praying, are FULLY OBEDIENT and SUBMITTED to YHWH and seeking to do HIS will, if both of them have COMPLETELY SACRIFICED themselves and have only the interests of the OTHER PERSON at heart and are mutually submitted to each other, then it is almost guaranteed that they will have as close to the ORIGINAL INTENDED relationship that YHWH wanted for Adam and Eve (and ultimately us all). Can you not see that it would be the most AMAZING relationship and would be literally be “heaven on earth”. However, it is a COMPLETE SACRIFICE OF SELF AND SELF INTERESTS in light of the other person!!! This is VERY difficult to do because EGO/SELF raises its ugly head ALL the time!!! It is hard enough when you are both trying to do the same thing, but it is even harder if the other person is NOT doing the same thing and you are the only one sacrificing!!!
The steps
1. Reading scripture, praying, fully obedient and submitted to YHWH – complete sacrifice of self
2. Mutual submission to the other person and seeking only the OTHER PERSONS best interests – complete sacrifice of self
Listening to Skip on “The role of the ‘ezer”……..
Greek view of marriage – it is about ME, what I can get out of it.
Hebrew view of marriage – it is about US
We have fractured marriages because we are running around being Greek. Whatever I feel, my individual choices, etc.
The perfect marriage: husband sacrifices everything that he is for her and she gives everything she is for him. That is how it was designed to be.
The redeemed marriage is very difficult to do (because it goes against the norm). You cannot do it on your own – BOTH people need to be in agreement that this is a redeemed marriage in spite of the culture around them.
Continuing to listen to Skip he asked and answered the question, “What is love?”
“Love is benevolence towards another at cost to myself. Love is not about how I feel. It is about making a choice to be benevolent toward someone else at a cost to myself over a long, long period of time. it is a commitment to fidelity no matter what the expense.”
Men, if you’re married, I hope that you have a wonderful, YHWH fearing wife. For men that are not married, do NOT chose your spouse on looks. These fade as spoken about in Proverbs 31. Choose your wife based on her commitment, love, faithfulness and obedience to YHWH. Will she be a good ‘ezer kenegdo?
Shalom
Sonia
I have one more additional comment. Men are afraid that their ‘ezer kenegdo wants to tell them what to do. That is FAR from the truth. An ‘ezer kenegdo who is truly of YHWH will be ACTING like YHWH. She may or may not have the right to lead but either way instead SACRIFICES herself to bless her husband!!! In the same vein how YHWH sent Yahusha who had the right to lead, but instead became the servant of many, the ‘ezer kenegdo is a servant to her husband. She does not want to rule over her husband, she wants him to make his own choices and wants them to be EQUAL PARTNERS in the relationship!!! Yoked together as ONE to do the will of YHWH!!!
So, question, does YHWH TELL us what to do all the time? NO!!! Actually, more often than not He tells us what NOT to do!!! You see, when we are doing things in alignment with His will, the things that are GOOD, He blesses us and we prosper. However, when we are doing things that are against what He wants, then he chastises us, he punishes us and we do NOT get the blessing.
In the same vein, an ‘ezer kenegdo following YHWH wants her man to experience freedom of CHOICE!!! She does not want him to feel trapped, she wants him to enjoy that freedom!!! She wants him to CHOOSE to follow the will of YHWH and she also wants him to CHOOSE to baraq to her. The tighter he cleaves to her, the more harmonious their relationship….it also makes her feel loved which is what she needs and craves!!! If he is following the will of YHWH she is blessing him and supporting him to the very best of her ability. However, if he goes against what YHWH wants, she will go against him, the blessing and support ceases.
Of course he is not going to like her being against him and it will cause disharmony in the relationship, however, this is restored when he is walking in the will of YHWH because she again turns back to him and blesses him.
I will also point out that she must be constantly on her guard to be reading and studying Scripture and praying to YHWH because she must at all times be wanting to bless her husband for his well-being and to bring him closer to YHWH and not use anything at all for herself.
Just an aside, this teaching is absolutely spot on 100% SCRIPTURALLY correct. When I read GA and saw the videos I was blown away because it put into words things that I could not express myself but KNEW INSTINCTIVELY!!! You see Skip Moen is right, the role of the ‘ezer kenegdo is absolutely inbuilt into a woman. Even women who are NOT followers of YHWH still try to look after their husbands to the best of their ability,. Working in a hospital, I see many elderly patients and the following pattern occurs all the time. What i have noticed is that men who have wives are well cared for and tend to live longer and live WELL. Men who do not have wives are not well cared for and are crumbling. This is also reflected in the fact that statistics prove that men who have wives live longer than men who are unmarried. Women were built by YHWH for the well-being of men and that is a fact!!!
Men are afraid that women will change them. However, what they fail to see if that BOTH men and women NEED to change and that is a fact!!! YHWH wants BOTH husband and wife to change for HIM!!! We will have NO CHOICE in this if we want to be faithful to Him. It is a BIG change and it will be a BIG struggle because the flesh wants what the flesh wants. However, YHWH wants my OBEDIENCE and for me to SACRIFICE myself to Him!!! He wants ALL my hopes, my dreams, my clothing, my possessions (which are really His anyway), my heart, my mind, my soul, my very life. He does not want me to hold back anything from Him. He wants me to sacrifice MYSELF completely both to HIM and to my spouse…..in the same vein, He wants my spouse to sacrifice themselves. In addition, in marriage it will be hard because both of parties have grown up with a GREEK mindset about marriage, but BOTH need to change that to the mindset of YHWH. The closer we get to the mind and will of YHWH, the more we obey what YHWH wants, the closer the two will be to each other and the more BLESSED and AMAZING their marriage will be. It will literally be a slice of heaven on earth. It will only be when our flesh raises up that we will have problems and because we are not perfect, this WILL happen, however, the closer we get to YHWH, the more we sacrifice to Him and to each other, the closer we will be to the garden of Eden.