Fear of Another
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. Psalm 56:3 NASB
Afraid – We know this Hebrew word. yārēʾ, “to fear, be afraid, revere.” Yes, it’s the same word used in the verse about the “fear of the Lord.” But yārēʾ has five different nuances, and one of them is simply the psychological experience of fear, the anticipation of something harmful. yārēʾ is the word you would use when you have to walk down a dark alley in a strange town. It’s the word you would use when you hear that a tornado is headed your way. And it’s the word you would use about other people. David’s response to this psychological and real experience is bāṭaḥ, i.e., trust in God. It is striking, but not unexpected, that David does not put his trust in another human being. We all know why. Other human beings are what we fear.
Certainly there are good reasons to fear those who seek to harm us. We should run from terrorists, robbers and henchmen. But that isn’t the problem, is it? We all know what to do when bodily threat arrives. The problem is that we fear everyone else at some deeply psychological level because we aren’t sure they really love us for who we truly are. Yes, they love us as we present ourselves, equipped with the protective masks that make civil behavior possible. But will they love us if they see all the warts, the scars, the trauma, the contradictions and the confusion that still reside at the deepest level of our persona? Will they love us if we really tell them everything? David’s response is not about imminent-bodily-harm fear. We know what to do about that. David is asking something deeper. What do I do when I fear you? Not because you wish to harm me but because I am afraid to reveal myself to you. I fear your rejection. I anticipate you will no longer love me. I’m back in the Garden after eating from the Tree, trying to hide my sins from God and myself. The reason David can turn to God is that God already knows all of my secrets and He has not turned away. God still cares. I’m just not sure that you will still care.
This struggle may be assuaged by the trustworthiness of God, but it isn’t erased. You see, if I am going to confront my fear of self-revelation, I will have to make the first move. I will have to be brave enough to risk rejection by you. I will have to tell you my shameful secrets, my debilitating fears, my anxious projections and my emotional traumas without any guarantee that you will still accept me. The only guarantee that I have is the God accepts me and if I don’t do this I will never know if you accept me. But, believe me, even though I know God already loves me, I am afraid.
David offers us the absolute faithfulness of the Father as the anchor we need in a time of self-disclosure. David suggests that, while we can’t be certain to your reaction, we can be certain of God’s. And that will have to be sufficient until I am ready to reveal.
Topical Index: fear, yārēʾ, trust, bāṭaḥ, Psalm 56:3
We fear what we ascribe power over us to – what we worship. Do we worship what we fear? Try finding yourself face to face with a bear, and watch yourself. Do you attempt to placate it? Do you show it respect? Do you try to strike a deal with it? Do you even beg it? Y’all, this is hardwired stuff! Of course, we wouldn’t do any of that if we felt that the bear did not have any power over us. This brings up the subject of trying to scare little children with ghost stories. What if we are really teaching them to worship the dead, or anything else we scare them with? What if we taught them instead that ghosts do not have any power over us? Wouldn’t that be the right way to teach trust in nature, God, others and themselves?
I used to be afraid of everybody. I finally realized that that fear was originating with the fear of myself, first. I was afraid that others would have power over me to judge or ridicule or, worst of all, REJECT me if I messed up and gave them some real meat. People know when you do not have trust, and they move in ways to protect themselves (see above list). Rejection sets itself up. How do you change?
I decided that my mistake was handing power over myself to others. I had figured out by that time that I was not doing well when I gave myself power over myself, either. These are all forms of humanistic ways of the flesh to try to ‘get along’. These ways always include an unholy sacrifice of some sort. The world expects this sacrifice – this pound of flesh, as a guarantee; a hostage of sorts, that it can hold over your head to keep you from reniging on the social contract. We are taught these ‘trades’, but they are all mutual one-way sacrifices. I have no better word. What do we sacrifice? Self respect to all who are more powerful than we are – we make jokes at our own expense, or we don’t require the more powerful to respect us back. Conversely, we don’t think we need to respect anyone who appears to be less powerful than we are, or who does not have anything that we think we need. This is pecking order stuff. Monkeys do it. We do too, but it is not love.
When Jacob went to Egypt, he blessed Pharoah. Blessed Pharoah! That was no act of obesiance. When we can take our trust and put it in God, we step out of the pecking order game and become a deliberate blessing to the world, able to freely shake the dust off from any place that people don’t want that blessing. No boot licking or fear required. Halleluah!
Laurita, this is easy to say but hard to do, especially in abusive relationships. In abusive relationships, the abuser exploits another’s weaknesses to gain power over and to keep one in fear and trepidation. It sucks the life, joy, and peace out of the one being abused. Yet, the fear associated with leaving the abuser can be emotionally crippling. “What will others think of me–that I’m unfaithful, that I’m a failure, that I refuse to love at all costs (like Jesus!). I will be misunderstood by family; I will lose my close relationships and financial support.” On the other hand, the abuser has so little self worth that he needs to be in control over the other to find his/her own identity. The abuser and the one being abused find their identity within the abusive relationship. Often, abusers use religion and the Bible to emotionally trap their victims. The abuser takes what is emotionally dear to the victim–Scripture–and uses it against him/her.
Yet, what is the difference between being in an abusive relationship, and being persecuted for righteousness? Where does unconditional love and abuse part ways? At the point of safety? Emotional trauma? Didn’t Jesus willingly surrender his life in the throws of power and control? Didn’t he surrender all? Wasn’t he killed for his love? Maybe, but distinctions are important. Jesus lived by faithful devotion and loyalty TO GOD. He didn’t live by fear, but faith. He wasn’t afraid to speak the truth. BUT, neither was Jesus “married” to the religious leadership. He worked from the outside in. They abused him from the inside out. There was no personal relationship between Jesus and the religious leadership. Jesus willingly gave his life for a greater, eternal purpose. I doubt any of us have the weight of the universe hanging in the balance of our decisions. Or do we?
Knowing when to stay and when to leave an abusive relationship can be very confusing. One thing that we cannot do, is live by fear of the abuser, for then we have surrendered our faith in God for faith in ourselves or the one abusing us. THAT we cannot live with!
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Paul, hopefully this community is willing, like you, to have this discussion and address exactly that question.
Colossians 3:5 warns us of “inordinate affection”. Love is mutual. We can have sacrificial love, but not if the OTHER party gets to define it! True sacrificial love will be from a place of freedom and power. If a person is being required to perform for love, that is a position of weakness, and the requiring party is not going to experience it as love. It took me about 3 decades to sort this out to this point.
Being persecuted for righteousness is about being willing to leave earthly relationships – that is, relationships based on agreements of the flesh; it is about NOT being willing to allow abusive relationships to define righteousness. If the abuser is insisting that their definition of love is followed, it is not love, for sure. However, if an abused person is insisting that their definition of love is followed, we can have the same problem. We have to drop back and follow what HEAVEN has established as love before we can know that the persecution is actually for righteousness’ sake.
A mother who has realized that there is a non-zero chance a child is at more risk if she leaves than if she stays in an abusive relationship is making a decision based on heaven’s definition of love; not on the abuser’s definition. This is a decision of power; it is HER decision. I believe God honors us right where we are and works us out from there, but we do have to put Him first.
A spouse, on the other hand, who is attempting to manipulate another into their version of love by voluntarily stepping back into the abuse to do so, I would say is NOT free from the power of another. God does not require us to endure abuse for abuse’ sake. These are highly individual decisions, and, in my case, as I became willing to do whatever it took to establish righteousness, instead of just seeking to try to control the chaos, new choices and opportunities showed up that simply were not there before I became willing.
For example, it was only after I lay down my pride and admitted there was a problem that was bigger than me, and that I could not control it, that I learned about Alanon. The power going to Alanon gave me in my marriage was an incredible miracle in my life. The whole situation changed as soon as I learned how to change. I quit fearing my husband and thinking of him as god (power). For the first time, I could pity him and stand in a place that allowed me to approach him as a friend. Its called “detachment with love” in Alanon. In the Bible, I think it would be called “ordinate affection” where we learn to put (right order) the fear of God above the fear of anyone else.
The martyrs did not fear their abusers, that I do know. They did not waste time currying favor or trying to impress them or manipulate them. They were too busy singing and other such actions of freedom and power. We lock ourselves into the prison of another when we think that we are a love source. People who do not agree to the mutual games of abuse do not suffer from such illusions. A martyr is on an assignment from heaven they are not trying to convince someone that they love them; they are representing the fact that HEAVEN loves them. It took me a long time to get to that point.
For me, the abuse stopped the day I did.
Transparency
Isn’t He wonderful? This is my “transparency.” I am Carl, a sinner, saved by grace. Is this your “story” (your testimony) as well? Then, as the Scriptures state: If we say we have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus (the Christ) His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the Truth is not in us.…
Fellowship: (two fellows in the same ship?) You and I are the same. We hold this in common: We are human. Sinners (all) who need a Savior. And yet .. if you and I are both twice-born, and God is our (common) Father, that makes us siblings! We are family!
Where is our boasting? What do I have that has not been given unto me? Friend, — “nothing.” 199% “grace of God.” Remember? It is He who has made us and not we ourselves. The onliest thing I have to boast of or glory in is the cross, the tslav, the execution stake of our LORD and Savior, Jesus (who is the) Christ. He (Christ) is my very life! For without Him, I can do…? – nothing. So, what do I owe Him? E V E R T H I N G. Yes, (both) in this world and the next.
There are (in the end) only two “classes” of people. (It is God, btw, who will do the judging — not me!) Whether a sheep and goat (My sheep hear my voice!), one who is a tare who looks a lot like wheat, one who is in the family or one who is a stranger to the household of faith, time alone will tell, and God will do the “separation” in that Day.
Meanwhile, (back on the planet) we have His command: “Love one another with a pure heart “fervently.” Love God (commandment number 1!) and love people. (all people –everywhere – “enemies” included!)
We have tHis promise: ~ if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete (perfect) in us.”
Isn’t He wonderful? This is my “transparency.” I am Carl, a sinner, saved by grace. Is this your “story” (your testimony) as well? Then, as the Scriptures state: If we say we have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus (the Christ) His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the Truth is not in us.…
Fellowship: (two fellows in the same ship?) You and I are the same. We hold this in common: We are human. And.. if you and I are both twice-born, and God is our (common) Father, that makes us siblings! We are family!
Where is our boasting? What do I have that has not been given unto me? Friend, — “nothing.” 199% “grace of God.” Remember? It is He who has made us and not we ourselves. The onliest thing I have to boast of or glory in is the cross, the tslav, the execution stake of our LORD and Savior, Jesus (who is the) Christ. He (Christ) is my very life! For without Him, I can do…? – nothing. So, what do I owe Him? E V E R T H I N G. Yes, (both) in this world and the next.
There are (in the end) only two “classes” of people. (It is God, btw, who will do the judging — not me!) Whether a sheep and goat (My sheep hear my voice!), one who is a tare who looks a lot like wheat, one who is in the family or one who is a stranger to the household of faith, time alone will tell.
Meanwhile, (back on the planet) we have His command: “Love one another with a pure heart “fervently.” Love God (commandment number 1!) and love people. (all people –everywhere – “enemies” included!)
We have tHis promise: ~ if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete (perfect) in us.”
(1 John 4.12)
Fear factor?
~ There is no fear in love [dread does not exist]. But perfect (complete, full-grown) love drives out fear! ~
(1 John 4.18)
Isn’t He wonderful?
Awesome truth!