Successful Triangulation
But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” Luke 10:40 NASB
Came up – Martha had a lot on her mind. A dinner party means attending to plenty of details. But in her desire to please her guests, she encountered more than culinary complications.
Luke tells us that all of the distractions about serving altered her attitude. This thought hides a deeper reality. The word Luke uses for “serving” is diakonian. It is part of the word family of diakonos. This is the basis of our word “deacon.” Yeshua uses this word when he says, “whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant” (Matthew 20:26). To be a servant of others is a mark of adopting the vision of Yeshua. Yeshua’s leadership was servant leadership. It is not Martha’s anxiousness to serve that is the problem. She is behaving in a way that we would probably applaud. She is working behind the scenes on behalf of others. She is carrying the load so that others may benefit. But Yeshua never looks for outward action as the sign of a servant. Outward humility can disguise inner pride.
“She came up to Yeshua,” says Luke. Body language often tells a lot more than words. Luke uses the verb ephistemi. This word combines the prefix for “near” (epi) and the verb “to stand” (histemi). We need to see the picture clearly. Mary is sitting at the feet of Yeshua, listening to Him speak. Martha comes to Yeshua, but she does not sit. She does not kneel. She does not bend. She stands near him. In all likelihood, she stands over him since he was probably not standing while he talked. She takes the posture of confrontation. She demands attention. We know exactly how this feels. It is that moment when someone outside the conversation inserts a presence that demands attention. Whatever Yeshua was teaching had to stop because Martha pushed her presence into the room. She made a stand.
It takes only a moment to blurt out her indignation. The behavior of a servant cannot restrain the spirit of the slighted. She exhibits an attitude that demands personal rights.
“Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.”
Martha wants more than recognition. She wants someone to accommodate her needs. She thinks to herself, “I am not getting the recognition and help I deserve. Someone is to blame.” And the first person on the blame list is God. But notice that Martha does not confront Mary. Martha uses the triangle approach, combined with a strong dose of guilt. What Martha claims she wants is Mary’s help. To get what she wants, she plays two games—guilt and blame. “If you really cared about me, you would do . . . .” The first shot fired is guilt. “Don’t you see that I am important? Don’t you see that I am burdened? Don’t you know how hard I am working for you, Lord?” Feel guilty that you have not done anything to help me. Respond to me because you are responsible and you have failed to meet my expectations.
Martha goes to the authority figure. Clearly Mary’s action shows she is ready to do whatever Yeshua says, so Martha attempts to enlist Yeshua in her effort to get Mary to meet her need. Martha uses a third party to play the guilt game. She wants Yeshua to feel guilty that He has not recognized her need and therefore instruct Mary to act accordingly.
Successful triangulation requires that both parties in the dispute have someone in the middle that can be manipulated by guilt, shame or blame. The triangle enlists another person who is really not part of the conflict as a weapon against the one whom I should confront directly. Successful triangulation creates conflict between the middleman and me in order to win my case. It happens all the time. Just recall how often children manipulate one parent against the other, co-workers enlist the support of other workers against the boss, parishioners gang up on people that some one person doesn’t like. Most of us are experts in relationship geometry.
Do you find the tactics familiar? Engage another in the confrontation, supply guilt, add blame and solicit sympathy and action. For one purpose—do what I want.
Topical Index: triangulation, blame, guilt, Martha, Luke 10:40
Parts of this Today’s Word were excerpted from Jesus Said to Her.
From personal situations to public policy, this tactic is employed every day. So many of us are not aware of it unless we recognize narcissistic behavior. If one does not comply, the crowd is often offended. Yeshua gave us a gift when He showed this to be a valuable teaching moment.
Over the years I have heard a lot of chatter about this episode in Scripture. Even to the point where one is a typical Jewish mother worrying about everything. When in fact as you have made clear in your assessment. Skip it is concerned. Today we just for the most part do things on the Fly, and when things don’t go right well that it’s over, forget about it can’t change it. But being a servant is even coming into the business realm of a leader. People want ears that hear oh, and a heart that understands. If the world is catching up, then the church should be the one to follow. The story of the Basin and the towel is also another parallel example. Most believers don’t tie together that this was during the Passover, the last passover. It what is a prime time for a prime example, and YeshuaI knew it..
I’m also thinking at this moment about those who have gone on before us cheering us on. The cloud of witnesses. Hebrews chapter 12, is an excellent dissertation of servant leadership, for the simple reason… It tells us to consider Yeshua. And all that he did for us. Even in detail. Talk about the word being alive and living in US and rightly dividing the word of Truth. and a Workman being approved by Yahweh. These Fine examples are given to us 4 teaching rebuking exhortation… And the list goes on. my last thought will be a simple word picture.
Taking Orange, squeeze it, what comes out? Juice. Is it fresh is it usable, is it stagnant, is it something someone would avoid,?
Martha’s not the only devilish one in this family, though, is she? In John 11, both sisters seem to try to guilt induce Yeshua by blaming Him for their brother’s death, saying to Him, “If you had been here my brother would not have died.” Seems to possibly be a family trait. Let’s see, who can we blame THAT one on? From the first two at the garden site down to these two at the grave site, to another two at our home site, there is this BEARING OF A FALSE WITNESS against one another. And let us not forget after whose nature it is in keeping with – the adversary, HaSatan, “the liar and the father of lies”, “the accuser of the brethren”, “the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy”. Who doesn’t hate this type of deeply hurtful offense when victimized by it? It is one of the very worst, if you will remember. Thus, the instruction from YHWH to NOT do it, made it into His “TOP 10 – YOU SHALL NOT’s”. But for whatever reason, just like taking His name in vain, you just don’t hear a lot of preaching and teaching on this one. And lastly, consider Messiah. He never falsely accused another, and look at how he handles being falsely accused, Himself. Now THAT’S something to take note of!
Jesus my True Witness !!
Martha seems to have learned the lesson as we read a later account in John 12:2 (where Mary annoints Yeshua’s feet with costly perfume): “There they made him a supper; and Martha served: but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.” No guilt, no blame, no indignation, or triangulation. Just “Martha served”, but as with Martha so with us. We fail, we learn and we get another opportunity to show that we learned the lesson. I am grateful that He is the God of many chances. I may be a slow learner, but never mind, He is a patient teacher.
Finally, Jerry and Lisa commented: “…consider Messiah. He never falsely accused another, and look at how he handles being falsely accused, Himself. Now THAT’S something to take note of!” Yes, but what I take note of is how Yeshua’s relationship with this “devilish” family never wavers, never suffers, never fails. Martha, Mary and Lazarus are mentioned in all 4 gospels and the accounts of their relationship with Yeshua are among the most veracious and poignant outside the accounts of His personal relationship with the 12. So here too, I am encouraged by the example of YHVH’s character (as modeled by Yeshua). Sometimes my actions don’t model His character, but His love, chesed and mercy
never wavers, never suffers, never fails. So, again just like Martha, when “we fail, we learn and we get another opportunity to show that we learned the lesson”.