Only the Lonely
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Psalm 25:16 NASB
Lonely – Look up this verse in Hebrew and you will immediately be surprised. The word translated “lonely” is yāḥîd. It means “only,” as in “only begotten son.” Its root is yāḥad, a verb that means, “to be united, to be joined,” precisely the opposite of lonely. How can this be? The connection is the singularity of community. God’s family is one community, and only one. To be united to His kingdom is to be absorbed into its identity and purpose. This is why Paul can announce that there are no rich and poor, slave and free, male and female in the Kingdom. Earthly distinctions evaporate. Unity is the single attribute (despite the obvious, continuous difficulty in achieving this). With this in mind, we discover that the umbrella of yāḥad stretches from the community of one to the individual who experiences a world of one, that is, a world without community. Loneliness is a failure of community.
Consider the implications. Look deep into your sense of well-being and see if you discover a tinge of the absence of community. Yes, you may be in an assembly. You may feel the right hand of fellowship. You may sense acceptance and joyful welcome. But at the very bottom of your self-consciousness, is there a shiver of emptiness? Is there the haunting echo that “if they only knew” you would stand on the wrong side of the Jabbok with the man who had yet to find his name?
Loneliness is a spiritual disease. The infection begins with the belief that you are different from every other person. You have a shameful secret. Perhaps it has been buried away for decades, but the trauma of that shame is as real today as the day it began. And, of course, you are convinced that no one else experiences the same degree of emotional disgrace. You know that others probably have their own demons in dark closets, but yours is different. Yours has a scratchy voice that constantly reminds you that there is something wrong with you. Your despair is deeper. Your trauma more intense. Your abandonment more complete. If you should ever consider turning the light on this demon, rejection would overwhelm you. You would have to face the reality of being alone instead of the pretense that you belong. Theoretically you recognize that this sort of thinking isn’t reality. Every one of us faces the same challenge. But life isn’t lived theoretically. It’s lived emotionally, and loneliness is an emotion. If you feel alone, then you are alone no matter how many others occupy your neighboring space. “We are all seething with contradictions; it is only with difficulty that we admit the fact to ourselves, and we take great care to hide it from others.”[1] “Let us admit at once that complete transparency is a utopian ideal, . . .”[2]
What is the solution? David must appeal to God. Human contact is always just one degree away from absolute transparency. But this does not mean that community is only an ideal. The answer to loneliness is connection, even if that connection is faulty and fickle. Tournier reminds us that “ . . . progress in our knowledge of ourselves is progress from uneasiness to uneasiness.”[3] In the progress of uneasiness, we strive for this objective: “helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life.”[4]
In God we trust, but we live among men. And until the Messiah returns, men will have to do.
Topical Index: loneliness, community, only, alone, Psalm 25:16
[1] Paul Tournier, The Meaning of Persons, p. 42.
[2] Ibid. p. 135.
[3] Paul Tournier, The Meaning of Persons, p. 80.
[4] Ibid., p. 146.
Created with sovereignty means that we determine who gets in and who stays out of our castles. All our locks are on the inside and we are the only holders of the keys. Even God Himself says that He “stands at the door and knocks”.
My mental illness consisted of attributing to others what I was guilty of myself: I was the one who took the reins of my own ‘safety’ into my own hands when I experienced betrayal. Conversely, I took upon myself, in the interests of that same ‘safety’, to ‘control’ the choices of others; to manipulate, divert, deceive and hide in an attempt to stay alive, and to keep others I felt responsible for alive. In all these practices, I traded my own sovereignty, until I had but little left, which is to say, I had no place in my life where I felt I had true choice left. It was all damage control. I had no sovereignty (power of self identity) left to relax in – to feel I was “myself” – but I also was terribly lonely at the same time. Loss of identity, I now realize, is the same thing as saying loss of connection with others.
How did I accomplish that? To ‘protect’ myself from further rejection, I built a wall; however, the practical application of that wall entailed not only rejecting others (duh) , but setting them up in catch-22 situations where they had NO CHOICE but to ‘reject’ me. Well, you do have to admit it guaranteed an endless supply of fodder to feed self pity with, and I got to blame it all on them! A perfect trap; a perfect lock.
What is the lock on the heart? Lack of trust. To restore connection with God, self and others we have to return to the vulnerability of trust. God trusted us with His Son, and Yeshua trusted us even as we betrayed and killed Him. Here is our example.
This is why faith (trust) is the only key that unlocks the heart to receive the riches of love, for love can only operate through a heart that is open. “Without faith it is impossible to please Him”, but somehow I don’t think that verse is talking about mental assent to creedal certainty. I found that that did not work at all in my particular faith crisis, anyway. What did work was to choose to open my heart again – to make a decision of will to trust in the places I had been wounded. To lay down the arms of self preservation and embrace my cross as a person who has died. To self, of course. No defense necessary then, because dead people don’t care. Come to think of it, that’s a really good way to tell if they are really dead or not. In fact, this may be a better way to tell if they are or not than have to depend upon what they have to tell you about it themselves in any doctrinal confession or personal salvation story because if folks are really dead to self, they are no longer going to be defending themselves against anybody. Now THAT is a person you can get close to!
Laurita, I always appreciate your openness and honesty regarding your personal journey on the road to emotional health. God clearly intervened in your life and put you on the path to wholeness. I don’t know the exact process…Scripture, prayer, counselors, authors, friends, perhaps all of the above…but, you’re a living testimony of what HaShem can do when someone opens their heart to His healing. I have no doubt He is now using your testimony, and your willingness to share it, to touch others. Thanks for sharing.
That’s just beautiful, Laurita!!!! XXX
“Loneliness is a failure of community” and I might at the agenda of our adversary. After our recent discussions about Ha Satan, I am not convinced that we do not have a spiritual personality with authority and weapons at his disposal. One that contends with us directly for our isolation. If “loneliness is a spiritual disease” what is the principle pathogen of that disease. Surely they are the “demons in the dark closet”. These beasts jump up and down like children having a tantrum during our distress to pressure us to respond to their inclinations to control, react, defend, protect, flee, or worst of all attack. They try to convince us to act from the Yetzer Hatov. Our higher self, or mature self, the Yetzer Hara engages with the spirit of grace, truth and mercy present in the believer and stands calmly suggesting we will be ok. That is my experience and I concur whole heartily with my precious sister Laurita “This is why faith (trust) is the only key that unlocks the heart to receive the riches of love, for love can only operate through a heart that is open.” For if we can stand our ground, stand in peace when the relational distress comes we can be “in love” and “being” in love is being open to life in all its mysteries. We can remain true to our relationships and they too will stand the troubles that come into all our lives.
“that we …. have a spiritual personality with authority and weapons at his disposal”
Is this not the essence of the abdication of free will, choice? If it is not then what is free will? The devil who made me do it? Am I in control of my choices or not whether they be, good or bad. Is not this the essence of humanity? Is there some force out there who I am battling with other than myself but have no idea who or what it is but it is there nonetheless and I have to fight two battles, one seen and one unseen? I don’t think so.
Who, what did Isaac wrestle with?
We have met the enemy and he is us.
The yetzer hara works for me. That is more than enough.
Hey Mark…I just read your post and I liked it. But, unless I’m misunderstanding one section, I think you inadvertently reversed the use of Yetzer hara and Yetzer ha tov. The Yetzer hara is the inclination to do evil. The Yetzer ha tov is the inclination towards good. Perhaps I’m not following your thoughts correctly? If so, my apologies.
The devil made me do it wrong that or dislex tendencies , your choice!
??? Too funny! I’m sure most people figured it out…or perhaps didn’t even know the difference.
Listening this moment to Skips 3 classes on the Talmud and issues of sin, choice and Rebbinic thought. Informitive…Shabatt Shalom sister!
We were created with deep longings that are meant to be satisfied. Loneliness is not a weakness or sin, per se. It is a condition of the heart, soul, and mind, and that of a painful sadness, when certain deep longings created by God are not yet fully satisfied. It is not such longings, in general, from which we need to repent. But it may be ungodly motives, misplaced priorities, and misdirected actions, springing forth from those longings, from which we must repent, if those longings are to be more fully satisfied. And trying to satisfy the unfulfilled longings from which loneliness springs forth is the heartfelt desire of God, also. Those longings are the longings to be intimately known without shame, to be accepted, to belong, to be significant, to be validated, and, I think, ultimately, to be delighted in.
God has intended that we not be lonely as permanent condition of our soul. Yes, I believe there are seasons where it is his intent for us to be lonely, but only so that we will be stretched, grow, and change in ways necessary for us to know Him better and become more like Him. It is a time of trial and testing of our souls to have the deeper things of us brought to the light so we can see in us what He sees, so that we can know ourselves in ways that He knows us, so that we can know Him better and become more like Him…..so that we can know even as we are known.
Indeed, God wants us to be in relationship with others, to be in families, to be in community. However, the most important way to overcome loneliness is to seek and find God, and to have these deep longings met through Him in significant ways. Our longings cannot be completely fulfilled in our relationship with God alone. That is true. If we don’t try to satisfy His commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves, we will remain somewhat lonely. But also, if we seek to deal with this painful condition of the sadness of being alone by seeking fellowship with others, before seeking to deal with it first by seeking and finding God in ways that will fulfill these deeper longings, we will have ungodly motives, misplaced priorities, and misdirected actions, and our loneliness will only temporarily and superficially be abated. Not only that, but many unhealthy and sick conditions of our soul will likely develop and we will be in a worse state than when we started. For then we will have had other gods before Him. We must continually seek and find Him, and His kingdom, and His righteousness first, and then, all these other things will be added to us. He knows our needs even before we ask. We must not resist His will be remaining isolated if He calls us into relationship with others, but we must also accept our condition of loneliness and seek to find the fulfillment of our deep longings in Him, too, if that is His good, perfect, and pleasing will for us for however, long that season will last. HE IS OUR ALL IN ALL!!!
Would we rather be known by others, or would we rather be known by God?
“But if anyone loves God, he is known by Him.” [1Co 8:3]
“And you shall seek Me, and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart.” [Jer 29:13]
Maybe we can add what Yeshua said… Love father, mother brother or sister more than the calling not worthy of the kingdom…
Did not come to judge but to save… Through the harsh words of separation for the purpose of entering the kingdom… I think David must have been expressing this separation reality. Something few religions even consider with the gathering attempts… Unit instead of separate…
Tough words. For a tough loving God.
Is what is called loneliness, separation or loss is only the Father calling us away to a more intimate inclusion with Him? Think of the prophets life. Not many seemed to be on the A list in community identity, though pillars they were also identified as pariahs & often ignored for doing what the Father wanted.
Is it precisely this loneliness that is the call, to bring us in from the field to go over what worked , what didn’t and check how the mission goals are going because we lost contact out in the zone somehow ?
An opportune debriefing and recalibrating of our thought life and actions for the battle in front of us…
Sometimes I know the weakness of my heart; in part and in honesty I am often involved in lies of hope that the Father clearly shows me in His word but I cannot see for … years.
We are often entangled with lies and become OF the World because of the tendency taught by Xstianity to over emphasise aspects of community without including the also necessary wisdom and discernment for the actual Will of the Father to be done.
We get used to the idea of the glossy magazine style photo of love your enemy and neighbour & run headlong into places and situations of “community” that our Father did not choose for us in particular but who in mercy works out in us resolutions to get back to reality as individuals.
Truly Our example of community is Messiah who not only separated himself from unbelieving family to do what the Father gave him to do & chose not beholden to their summation of who he was to do the Father’s desire . Our Messiah spent 40 days fasting on a different community experience of the Spirit and then stood for the desire of the Father against Satan.
Messiah in community also taught and lived with the man Judas night and day ..the one whom he foreknew would betray him to death. Night and day Yeshua was with Peter who denied him. Ultimately Messiah in community trusted himself to no man.
Are we with the promised Spirit bringing forth a different community that is Echad?
Mercifully we all have a potential for living community that involves many relationships.
I think in this Our Father gives us this opportunity for our perfection.
And this is joining in His dance of life. I think of it more as a progressive barn dance with steps and cues for movement and change but the dance stays the same in the basic steps but this relies on a willingness to enter into a intimacy of community obedience through practice which means listening to the music AND the Caller for it to spin right on the floor…. Kingdom Community good.
Did appreciate the comments about separation too…. we are more than a single relationship but all is aimed at the ONE relationship being realised.
Blessings to all. FJ
Try reading The Lonely Man of Faith for some insights along your line.
Thanks Skip, will see if it falls into my lap with a bit of nudging from a bookseller shelf. Blessings. F J.
This speaks to me….very eye opening!
Yes! Yes! AHA!!!!!!