Let’s Just Compromise
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” John 14:6 NASB
The way – “The way.” Is there only one? If I’m right and you don’t agree with me, does that automatically mean you’re wrong? In today’s world, we hesitate to be so “judgmental.” Compromise is highly regarded relationship currency these days. We are taught that if we can find some common ground between opposing individuals, then we can fashion a working agreement acceptable to both. Perhaps neither side gets everything, but at least each side gets some of the desires, and both are willing to live with the losses. Most of the time we call this “win-win.” But now I’m not so sure.
What I have learned (the hard way) is that compromise really doesn’t work. Yes, we try to convince ourselves that we can give a little to get a little. But when it comes to personal relationships, compromise really means that both parties still hurt. Both parties feel the disappointment that the other person wasn’t willing to give what mattered without conditions. Even if we get some of what we wanted, the emotional damage remains. Compromise really says something like this: “You didn’t regard my relationship with you important enough to value what I truly wanted. I feel unappreciated for who I really am. Your willingness to compromise really says that you care more about yourself than you do about me.”
You might object. Maybe you feel as if some compromises you’ve made have really advanced relationships. But then I would ask, “Do you think God would engage in compromise?” Why do I push the inquiry in this direction? Why drag God into the picture? Because I’m pretty sure that the ultimate relationship we all crave is exemplified in the relationship we have with our Creator, and I don’t think He is willing to compromise in order for us to feel better. I think He stands apart from compromise and begs us to enter into a relationship with Him based entirely on giving up our own agendas and adopting His. Of course, we won’t do that unless we believe He is truly interested in what is best for us—and He is willing to do all He can to bring it about. Then, and only then, will we surrender the need to have that little bit of personal protection offered by a compromise. If we really believe that God would never do anything to harm us, that He intends us to experience the greatest possible fulfillment of our unique purpose, then we don’t need to compromise. And this, I suggest, is why compromise at the lesser level of human relationships is also inappropriate. Compromise means you really didn’t care about me.
What is the solution to true relationship building? Submission. Oh, that terrible word. The solution is to give up my agenda. To relinquish the need to take care of myself (at least the little bit in the compromise). To stop trying to protect my fragile ego. The solution is to submit myself to the will of another. But, oh my, is that ever difficult!
When I speak about the role of the ‘ezer kenegdo, I inevitably get the question, “If I’m supposed to listen to the guidance of my ‘ezer but we don’t agree, who decides what we will do?” I answer, “The one who submits.” What I mean is that there isn’t any place for personal decision enforcement in marriage. It is my task to submit, even if I don’t agree. Mutual submission is the name of the game. So I must learn to say, “Okay, you know I don’t agree with this, but I’m going to follow your lead. I will submit to what you decide.” Of course, if the other person also follows this guidance, neither person will feel as if they were not valued. Then the decision will have to be forged from both parties submitting.
We must be careful not to confuse submission with resignation. The result might look the same. Someone’s agenda gets set aside. But there is a very big difference. Resignation says, “I can’t get what I want so I’ll give up trying and accept the other view. I wish I could have what I want but I’m tired of fighting for it. It’s not worth it any more.” The one who feels like this might look like a person embracing hupotasso (Greek: submission), but submission hasn’t actually occurred. The emotional situation stays the same. This is a form of compulsion. Even if no one puts a gun to my head, I feel emotionally compelled to accept the outcome. I do it, but my heart isn’t in it.
Submission is a different story. True submission begins with a change of heart, not a change in behavior. True submission says, “Yes, I see that I will have to put aside what I wanted, but I love this other person, and because of my love I want to do all I can help the other’s desire become reality. It is worth putting aside what I wanted. I am ready and willing to do so.”
We seem to be in a constant battle with compromise. I wonder if we really believe it is in our best interests to submit—to God and to another. I wonder where our hearts really are.
“The vast majority of people are satisfied with compromises, or they remain unaware that they are worshipping a multitude of gods, that their actions constitute a maze of contradictions.”[1]
Topical Index: compromise, hupotasso, submit, John 14:6
[1] Abraham Heschel, A Passion for Truth, p. 91.
What a gem…of reality. The price of reality is letting go of compromise to submit. Love ruling in Truth = the wonder of correctly understood Submission.. Now I like that idea. Will I be brave enough to step onto that narrow bridge for each to go forward? Satan always says you will fall and the bridge is not stable & far too narrow for two to cross side by side but to actually get ‘there’ that bridge is the way forward to where we are going. The bridge is very shaky most often when we try to cross in compromise out of step with each other; with no deep resonant and respectful harmonic at work.. Blessings to All
This message was a true paradigm shifter!!! All of the messages teach me something new & something about this message brought a different feeling that I can’t yet fully explain!!! Thank you!!
I had a marvelous experience with the truth of submission recently. I am working at establishing a positive change in regards to a relationship I have with some precious people in my life. Someone else came along and, from the outside, gave me an ultimatum by saying that I needed to give these people an ultimatum, but to do so, I would have to go back on a previous promise. Well, I tried it. Total disaster. These fragile folks just fell apart. I had to go and with tears apologize for breaking my promise, and start over. I asked what THEY wanted and needed to meet where I was at; what they thought they could do. And then I agreed to it.
Afterwards, I realized that the ultimate goal was for them to be mature enough to initiate their own moves for their own reasons, which I had given them space to do by submitting. Voila! Through grace, mission accomplished! Halleluah!
Would compromise equate to a slap in the face of the yetzer ha’ra or recognizing it as motivation to obey the yetzer ha’tov?
Puts me in mind of what God did for us when He gave up Yeshua, of what Yeshua did when He gave up His life. Out of love came this amazing example of absolute submission, not to me but because of me. Following His example is – as so many relate – hard. During the spring feasts, I was instructed to give a firstfruits offering/sacrifice. Hmmm. So what does that look like today? What I heard I needed to give up was “the fight”. The need to defend God, His word, be right, etc. A lifetime of being is difficult to overcome. I was concerned that this was far from the best of the harvest, but got clearly that it wasn’t about my idea of best, but rather His. When I did this, I received a vision of myself in a fenced in enclosure similar to a sheep pen or pasture. The thing that surprised me was that I felt so safe and loved there. I was confined and constrained but was content to stay there. No wanting to climb out. This is certainly new to me. The quietness, the lack of argument, the peace of being in submission. Oh, the patterns still have to be dealt with on a daily basis, but the heart . . . The heart is willing and soft to YHVH’s instruction. I am not a young person. I have been decades walking out dying to self. Was the timing right, was I finally free enough to obey? What I do know is that YHVH is dealing with His children everywhere and He is doing much the same thing with all of them. Preparing hearts for what is coming. Thank you, Skip for your example of vulnerability to share openly.
Hello Sherri, Fiona from Australia here & yes, it seems there is a change of season happening. I am getting the same thing but I am so needful in trying to x’splain about Messiah being not like christianity in reality. I find this stance is very difficult to let go of, as it is so close to an ideal I think I needed to become & have struggled not to be pushed away from. It sort of feels like a compromise in a sense of not proclaiming, but maybe it is just my reality that will not been seen by others and He is giving a call to come back and leave others alone. For me to quietly enjoy some of His peace apart from the non-responsive deaf in churches. Still trying to figure & feel a strong desire to find another & another who want to share a journey of discovery. Thanks for putting me onto AT God’s TABLE with Skip and friends. It is good tucker (food). Blessings and love. FJ
Sheri thank you for writing this; it exactly where I am. I also have had a life time of walking out dying to self, more so now than ever. May YHVH continue to deal with us everywhere.
Skip thanks for writing this word.
True submission begins with a change of heart, not a change in behavior. True submission says, “Yes, I see that I will have to put aside what I wanted, but I love this other person, and because of my love I want to do all I can help the other’s desire become reality. It is worth putting aside what I wanted. I am ready and willing to do so.”
I never realized until about 8 years ago what a game changer this article about submission points out very clearly. Somehow I learned this from Skip several years ago, and I want to encourage everyone to take it very seriously. Sherri Rogers apparently picked this up also. It took me 70 years and Skips post for me to pick this up. I want you to know that the last 7 years with my wife were some of the best before she passed away last year. Our personal ego is a big pill to swallow, and it is tough to keep it down. It is worth it though. I think all personal relationships should be built around submission for them to be successful.
John, that is a precious testimony for me. It is never too late to do right. It gives me hope for some very longstanding seeming ‘failures’ of relationship in my life. I will keep persevering and seeking ways to clear the runway for submission to succeed. Thank you for your faithfulness.
I wonder if ‘kindness’ could be substituted for ‘submission’ because the result is the same but includes the heart at the same time. Submission could mean many things for the wrong reason as mentioned. It could be that the ‘spoiled’ child in an adult body couldn’t continue taking anymore or demanding his/her way. They end up losing in the end. ‘Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.’ Sadly to say there are a lot of people who really only care about themselves. And that means they do not care about others. No one is as important. It truly is ‘all about them’.
Why are there so many people with psychopathic tendencies? The problem these days is that there are serious mental issues and they go undetected. Are you baffled at how ruthless some people can be? How impossible it is to reason with some? Has anyone done any research on psychopathy? Most believers would blame the issues on ‘sin’ when it is much more complicated. Or think it’s the way the person was wired from the beginning. There is serious brainwashing going on as well which makes a complicated physical situation even more complicated. No conscience or low conscience individuals. Frontal cortex damage.
From the Garden, submission was always the way. When God gave Adam and Eve the command to not eat of the one tree, He was giving them an opportunity to submit to His will and His way. When they instead chose to take like the serpent suggested they lost what they intended to gain. In another garden, Jesus submitted to the Father even when He would have preferred another way. He humbled Himself, even to the point of the death on a cross, and as a result He was lifted up. He didn’t take His rights, He surrendered them, for the sake of relationship with the Father (see Philippians 2:5-11). What’s even more mind blowing, is that because God gave Adam/Jesus the ability to choose their response to His will, in a very real way He submitted to them. In Jesus’ response, He mutually submitted where Adam did not.
Your intuition about this connection between Gardens and the idea of submission is a good one. But your understanding of the account in Genesis is a bit naive. There is a lot more going on in that story than simple disobedient choice. Can I suggest that you read either 1) Guardian Angel – which you can order on my web site and/or 2) many of the Today’s Word posts that I have written about the Genesis 2 and 3 texts. You can find them by simply searching the verse on the home page of my web site. I think you will find that your conclusions can be drawn from a much deeper well.
I definitely agree that there’s way more to it than simply a disobedient choice – I was only attempting to relate to the post and topic of submission. I appreciate your comment and recommendations and will check them out.
Good. Glad you took it as instructive, not critical. I am sure you will find a great treasure of issues under the radar here.