Safe Haven
In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be ashamed; in Your righteousness deliver me. Psalm 31:1
Never be ashamed– “Where do you feel safe?” asked my friend, the therapist. The answer scared me. Where do you feel completely accepted, warts and all? Where are you safe enough to be transparent about your feelings, your confusion, your concerns? Where are you welcomed to share yourself without trying to meet the expectations of someone else? Where do you feel that you won’t be blamed for something? Where you won’t be treated as if you aren’t worthy of being loved because you have failed in the past?
The reason Twelve Step groups exist is because most of the time we are not safe. Most of the time we feel (whether it’s true or not) that we are expected to live up to someone else’s standard (even if that standard is now an internal tape playing in our minds), to be someone else, someone who makes the other person comfortable. Most of the time we simply can’t admit our struggles, all of them, without feeling rejected, subtly unloved, unworthy. When the Church abandoned the confessional, it abdicated a very important role in communal life—a safe haven where we can unburden ourselves of the guilt and shame we hide from everyone else. We think that the role of the prophets was to give warning and instruction to God’s people, but there is another vital function they performed. They were safe. Oh, I don’t mean passive or amenable or accommodating. They certainly weren’t any of those things. No, they were safe because they spoke the heart of God, not the judgments of men. If they accused, it was God’s judgment spoken, but if they forgave, it was also God’s grace spoken. In David’s life, Nathan is the example of both roles. Doesn’t Proverbs remind us that a true friend wounds (Proverbs 27:6).
David writes that he has taken refuge in YHVH. The verb, ḥāsâ, is used to describe fleeing for protection, or confiding in hope of acceptance. That’s what most of us need—a place of protection. David recognizes that this comes ultimately from YHVH. In the human arena, everyone else may fail. No one is exempt from uttering a harsh word of rejection, even unintentionally. Everyone knows the sting. So David’s words are especially important—timeless reminders of the true meaning of grace, that is, not some promise of escape into a perfect world of self-preservation but an experience of being completely accepted despite our sordid histories. Grace is discovering someone else knows us—and doesn’t turn away!
Of course, David’s plea doesn’t seem like reality. “Let me never be ashamed,” is not very likely. Maybe we mistakenly translate leʿôlām as “never” when it really means indefinite continuance, past or future. In other words, grace gives me space, perhaps in both temporal directions (if I were to be Greek about it). As long as God loves me, I’m worthy, regardless of the opinions (the fearful ones) of others. It’s just incredibly hard to maintain that perspective in a world of comparisons. Better read the verse again.
Topical Index: ashamed, ḥāsâ, never, leʿôlām, grace, safe, Psalm 31:1
Laurita, Yesterday you asked for more poems? I sadly deliver.
I hope, I pray
just stay away.
For I am gladly lost.
My tears are there
to ward you off
Not draw you in to scoff.
There is no place where I am safe
Where words are soft and kind.
There is no race I ever run
to cross the finish line.
There is no end to my cry
No problem I can solve.
In truth I am my greatest enemy
None other need apply.
My fears are greater than the sum
of my trust of anyone.
My flight from everything and place
is my greatest folly and my only fun.
There is no place safe for me
In “here” is never sound.
To hide away, to keep at bay
Is my greatest task.
Don’t tell is my secret code
I pray you never ask.
I seek no sacred sympathy
No rhythm and no rhyme.
The pain I suffer from my wounds
are only in my mind.
Way, way back, I used to be able to write poems. Alas. No more. My brain just flails at it these days. Too mushy, I suppose. So, Michael, thank you for providing such poignant thoughts arranged to deliver greats messages and emotions. I’m grateful to you.
Michael, You are welcome. I never really tried my hand at poetry. I’m not sure why, as I liken myself to be a wordsmith or at least a wannabe. Apparently I was a poet, but didn’t know it! I find this avenue of expression to be both cathartic and therapeutic (and cheaper). Dont fear, however; I promise not to flood this site with my poems, as I do my prose. My poor wife may be the only one to suffer that cruel fate…until I find another… (hobby, not wife)!
It’s not just you, Michael, it’s all of us. You put your finger on the sore. We are trained this way: we are told that it is righteousness, and we believe. Time to excommunicate ourselves from the Self Church!
The catharsis I apparently needed was to be told that anything that did not look like the mind of Christ was not my mind, either, and I could safely reject it without experiencing self rejection. This got interesting! Did Christ ever suffer from fear, guilt or shame? NO! (Because He never let the devil in, of course) But a curious thing happens when I name what I am thinking or feeling and then ask if it is of God. If it is not, I repent for having that thought or emotion and ask to be shown the truth instead, and then I ask for the mind of Christ so that I can think the thought (or feel the feeling) correctly. There have been some real shocks in the places I thought that it was just ‘me’! We are told where the Accuser comes from and it is not heaven. Heaven never accuses. It does not have to. When we are listening to accusation we are listening to the wrong radio station. Fear, guilt and shame are accusations that let us know we are outside the fence: time to get back in!
I think our spirits were made to be inhabited by other spirits (authorities). We are never alone in there! Our wills exist to be lined up with the will of Another and our minds exist to be lined up with Another’s, too. Either one authority or another is going to be on the throne of our hearts at any given time; even if just for a split second (it is a delusion that we actually ever sit on that throne). If the thought or feeling seems like it came fresh from hell, it probably did. We were created to feel pain for a reason. We never have to put up with evil. Repentance has become my biggest ally against everything that hurts me. Including ‘me’.
Hello folks I need help with this one. I understand the grace fully a work of God Ephesians tells us… Grace through faith, isn’t Faith unappropriate action which means there is a work involved? I understand short replies best. Unless they are into understanding parts. Thank you very much. Shalom
“Where do I feel SAFE ?”—-Right where I am, at any time. I look at Paul, what he went through and the his response,”Count all JOY” Come on. when we have the Holy Spirit dwelling in us what have we to fear. Shalom
Thank you. Thank you. Sometimes Skip you read my mind. One minute I”m in the place of joy and then sideswiped as the Lord penetrates an old wound that hasn’t been completely healed and I’m like a fish out of water. Thank you God for David and others who You let pour out their soul to us in the pages of Your Word. Where would we be without these warriors of old? They remind me I’m not crazy. They ground me. They help me to see, I will be ok. I thank the Lord for giving us a “safe” place to be truthful with Him. I’m also grateful that if we allow Him, He gives us travelers on the journey who will open up too.
PS Love your poem Michael
It seems I want safety because I either forget or don’t understand what it really means to walk in the life of Torah. Being ashamed is something many of us don’t fear over being exposed. Have we learned to shroud being ashamed so efficiently to protect our defenseless actions and habits? I know I have become very proficient at it. I’m distressed regarding that. With every act of forgiveness on his part, my mind explodes at the very possibility that he does. How strong the yetzer hara is to be inflential enough to spit in the face (with my mouth, no less) of the very one that provides us with ultimate safety and grace. Amazing. I don’t think I really understand what I am up against on a daily basis.
To feel the shame and choose joy…
The way my computer displays the opening verse (Ps 31:1) has “menever” run together: ‘men ever’ came to mind rather than ‘me never’… “Let men ever be ashamed”… is that the humility Yah wants from me? And then Michael’s poem.
I have only one other friend who has shared the darkness you share, Michael, though a few others have hinted at it. My own dark past did not include physical violence as senseless torture. Mine was emotional and mental violence, where the wounds don’t show, where a “split personality”, so to speak, was required to hide the secrets. It was our fault, we were told. Heaping guilt.
I was raised in the RCC (Roman Catholic Church). The confessional was a place we HAD to go and something in the way we were taught about it gave me the message that I HAD to have sins to confess weekly. No confession? No communion! My 8-year-old, 9-year-old, 10-year-old self knelt in the darkness too many times (recognizing the priest’s voice and knowing he recognized mine – so much for anonymity) feeling I had to make sins up when I felt I’d done well that week… “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned… I lied about my parent’s alcoholism and abuse…” was not something I felt the freedom to share. Seems we had a corner on the guilt-shame franchise.
The Twelve-Step programs I chose later were a much better confessional.
To share the shame and know forgiveness and acceptance…
Yes, we are having formatting problems these days. The web system rearranges some text after italics. Haven’t found the solution yet, but the mis-reading is interesting, isn’t it?