The Road Back
“Why is this place [where I am safe] so hard to describe? Because human beings are hardwired for connection, and we are hardwired from infancy to find safety in relationships . . . Trauma breaks this connection. Trauma interferes with the feelings of safety associated with connection. Reconstruction of trust is the first task of treatment . . . For people hurt badly as children, trusting a caring relationship designed to help them actually feels unsafe . . . working on safety and feeling safe may not go together. Learning to trust again, or for the first time, is part of the work—it is both a requirement and an outcome of treatment.”[1]
I’m afraid of you. Did you know that? I’m afraid that you won’t like something I write, that you’ll not only disagree, you’ll disappear. You’ll remove yourself from my circle of readers (and friends). I’m afraid of being rejected.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my emotional emptiness. Like when I saw the movie Leave No Trace. I wasn’t prepared. I mean I didn’t steel myself against the nuclear emotional devastation scenes in the movie. I got pummeled. I couldn’t hide. And I couldn’t stop the tears, even now, days later as I write this. Why? Because Gretchen Schmelzer is right: “trusting a caring relationship designed to help them actually feels unsafe.”
Academic investigation is safe for me. It’s sterile. Just logic, arguments, evidence. Oh, don’t get me wrong. It’s not boring. The excitement of rethinking, of discovering what really happened, is a powerful drug. Not a bad one. It is the essence of learning. But it’s safe. It’s detached. We can debate the intricacies of some theological or historical position without ever coming close to change.
But it’s not enough, is it?
“Even when you want to change or see how important the change is to your life, your relationships, your work—even when you can see how much you need to change—you can find it difficult to change your behavior. This is where you can understand your defenses as resistance. Resistance has been defined as ‘the motivational forces operating against growth or change, and in the direction of maintenance of the status quo.’ . . . So in some ways if you aren’t’ feeling at least a little bit uncomfortable, anxious, or awkward, you know you probably aren’t doing anything different—you probably aren’t stretching away from our old defenses.”[2]
You see, there is a side of me that embraces stretching—as long as it’s safe. But relationships aren’t safe ground for me. Perhaps some day I’ll understand why that’s the case. I know it has a lot to do with “all that childhood shit,” as Brené Brown said. I know it is about the distance in my family of origin, about the distance I still tangibly feel even though my parents are dead and my siblings are far removed. And I know it is damaging, lethal, poisonous—but, . . . there isn’t any really safe place for me yet.
Just writing this is enormously threatening. Maybe you’ll walk away now. You’ll say, “This guy is really losing it. First he doubts fundamentals like the Trinity and now he’s turning grace into psychobabble. Time to leave.” Maybe, if that’s how you really feel, it is time to leave. My path seems to be going somewhere I never anticipated. I think the men and women of the Bible are much more broken than we have been taught—or allowed. I think the Bible is a book about recovery from trauma, from disconnection—and that’s the real essence of sin, and of us. We are disconnected. That was the nuclear message of Leave No Trace. That’s what stabbed me in the heart. I saw my daughter suffering from my disconnection. I saw me trying desperately to hang on to what is good and life-giving, and at the same time, afraid of what I have become, of where I am. Ashamed to be so vulnerable in a world where I am supposed to be self-sufficient, reliable, tough!
Jacob was the product of Isaac’s trauma, the product of Abraham’s destructive obedience. Jacob paid the price for Abraham to obey God. It was never one-to-one. Everyone was involved, even if they didn’t know it. Isn’t that what the Bible is trying to tell us. Our disconnection destroys those we love, even if they don’t know it and neither do we.
So, here I am. Writing about being inadequate. Incapable. Injured before I knew what the world was all about. It’s taken a long time to get here. I can only say I’m sorry if you thought I needed to be somewhere else. The theological investigation will continue, but for me theology seems to have come to an end. You’ll still get the academic, but now you might be participants in therapy too.
Try listening to Ana Popovic, “Business As Usual.” She is a survivor of Serbia and an awesome Blues guitarist. Maybe the lyrics are about you too.
Thanks for sharing your heart. Sometimes leading feels thankless. Sometimes it takes sharing our fears for people to have something to say. We may not all feel like scholars but we know what disappointment in self and others feel like… it’s a universal language. As you release, through public sharing, some of your secret thoughts the power and possibility of shame has been defeated by Love and community acceptance. Thankful that we could return a blessing in this opportunity to give, it’s a privilege.
Dear Skip, it is never easy to face those whom you fear and then to have the courage to verbalize that fear! This makes you very real. If you could only pause and see yourself through the eyes of the one’s you have touched, through your teachings and sharing your personal life experiences, maybe you will gain a little strength to carry on. You have chosen the road of obedience – the road less travelled where there is no place to hide. This is only for the very brave and faithful because there is no turning back and no opting out. You are not alone on this road dear friend. Feeling weary and lonely and on the brink op hopelessness is a very familiar place for those seeking the truth and walking in obedience to YHVH. So it was for YESHUA and so it will be for all who follow after him. Your journey, seeking and revealing the truths of GOD’S Words, is not just a story. It is part of GOD’s story and GOD’s purposes. It changes lives and I am a witness of that. You have brought many a soul out of the darkness of confusion into HIS glorious light. You walk before us on the road to healing and wholeness and truth. You feed us the Living Bread in your daily devotions. You are gathering the bruised and broken and abandoned of the world into a community. For some of us the only community. For some of us the only family – children of YHVH Elohim. YESHUA’S flock has been scattered by savaging wolves and driven out to the brink of society to wander alone because we dare speak the truth and choose to live in obedience to GOD’s instructions. You are the voice crying out in the wilderness ” Make straight the ways of YHVH”. Don’t give up. When we are weary we tend to look in the dim mirrors of our own lives and all we see are distorted images of brokenness. GOD’s faithfulness is the only true mirror.
Skip its a pleasure to walk with you on this journey through the promise land together. God has promised to walk with us as He enables us to defeat our enemies and kill our giants. Thank you for your integrity of soul and desire for connection with us all that shows with each post you write. I’m with you brother!
Skip, thank you for your raw honesty. You unswerving willingness to bare your heart, to put your thinking out there, and to question what everyone glosses over and takes for granted. I know that we, your Orlando family, misses you! I know that these “therapy posts” may not be what everyone expects, but I think for a lot of us there is a sense of “Oh! I feel that way, too! I’m glad I’m not alone in my questions and fears and inadequacies!” That doesn’t make it easier or better for you, but I know that I appreciate the way you share your struggles along the journey. In an age of Insta-worthy posts and Pinterest perfection, knowing that you are human creates deeper connection. Just today, I am wrestling with whether God can love me because I feel so unworthy and inadequate because I keep failing in the same way in the same area – and I wonder how often God can truly forgive me and whether he will rescue me again. I know God hasn’t changed just because I am confused and uncertain about my understanding of him and Yeshua and truth vs. “doctored” texts. And in my journey, it makes me feel less alone to know that others struggle with some of the same questions I have. Thank you for being transparent and for letting us share this journey with you. I am praying that as you travel and journey (literally and metaphorically) that the God of Shalom will meet you there in ways that are unexpected and wonderous, that soothe the raw places and transform the rough ones. Hugs to you and Rosanne!
Skip, even Sanctus Reals’ lyrics express this very painful and poignant human reality of disconnect, “I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes, their just children from the outside. I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine, they’re independent, but on the inside, oh I can hear them saying, lead me with strong hands, stand up when I can’t. Don’t leave me hungry for love, chasing dreams but what about us? Show me your willing to fight, that I’m still the love of your life. I know we call this a home but I still feel alone.” Every time I hear this song, I think how many marriages could be saved and children’s homes preserved if those truths would be allowed to profoundly change our hearts.
The Road Back-lots of meaning in a title! We all have a past and most of us have stuff in them that aren’t always pretty. I appreciate your willingness to share your trials with all of us. This is a dynamic community here and there are many who love you brother and we walk that same basic road.
I get busy and don’t read for days and consequently miss things. I am greatly appreciating the direction your road is taking you right now. I have seen the people written about in the bible as “real” people for some time now. Can’t even imagine some of the pain they walked thru although there is much more than pain contained in the written words. There is so much about the practicalness of these people that is glossed over for want of making a point. All the nuances of a “real” life are set aside to use the theology to make people tow some perceived line. *Sigh*
Thank you for being you Skip. I am blessed to have found you and this site.
Skip–You are losing your grip and God has you right where He wants you!! I began this journey with you in June, and have thoroughly enjoyed every minute. Your transparency is the beginning of a new road for you, and I’m signing up for the trip. I love and appreciate you more now than I did last month. Oh, how He loves the awareness of our lack. I have quite a testimony of my own and know He will take you as far as you will allow Him. It’s been said that God made the world round so we could never see too far down the road. Seems that we are on a need-to-know basis with Him. Don’t fear eating the bread of affliction; it has all the nutrients you need to make you what HE wants you to be–sort of like manna, only it doesn’t taste as sweet!
Blessings Skip–keep writing–we all need to hear it, and it’s a beautiful thing.
You have really been on my heart. Seems you have crossed over into the realm of “scary space” and teetering on the edge of a big cliff. Jump. It’s both terrifying and exhausting, but well worth it when He catches you in His arms, sets you upon a Rock, and you can rest for a while between His shoulders. And then there’s the next cliff. My husband and I, and many others, are on a similar journey with you–sharpening our cliff diving skills and embracing the danger. Let’s encourage each other to fear not. It’s only scary because we’ve never been there and don’t know what to expect. Keep diving!!!
I just discovered your blog today and have been reading your posts and comments. This one from over a month ago has really struck me. I don’t comment in blogs. I have been an admirer of your refreshing theological approach to scripture for a while now and your writing style as a student of the bible for many years, formally and informally and as a part of my long faith journey to Torah observance. For the last couple of years I seem to be led in a different direction with my understanding of scripture and even my fellowship with other believers. I am less interested in what people know theologically, scientifically, and philosophically, and there is a lot out there, and am far more attracted to the “voice of their soul.” As a teacher, I know where to find the information, I don’t need to be taught. But, it’s these conversations of the soul that speak to my soul. I find it very healing like a balm.
So, for me, please continue to share as you are led by the Ruach because I think this sharing is the gold of any conversations about God and His Word and draws us all into greater connection and community, which is what I understand the Gospel message was all about.in the first place. Shalom, Natalie
Shalom Skip
Thank you for your TWs’ on disconnection and especially this one. Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and open with the community. I cannot find words for how meaningful it is to me on a personal level. I plan on sharing some thoughts and experiences about disconnection but for now, I just want to sit with you in this space.