Re-education
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching; indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9 NASB
Hear– “Over time, early and necessary (and sometimes life-saving) defensive maneuvers and coping strategies evolve into ‘patterns’ of thinking, feeling, and behaving. These patterns come to operate like ‘organizing principles,’ or beliefs about how the world works and how we must act in order to survive or thrive. These patterned coping strategies turn into invisible and automatic ‘habits’ that influence where your attention goes and what adaptive strategies you employ to interact in the world.”[1]
“Each of us automatically adopts specific strategies for defending ourselves against threats, and these strategies work together to make up the organizing principles of our personalities.”[2]
Most of us are no longer children. We grew up—and in the process adopted certain survival strategies. There was nothing wrong with doing this. We had to. It’s just part of becoming a self, the process of ʿāzab, the first verb in Genesis 2:24. It’s not just for soon-to-be-married men. It’s for each one of us. We become who we are by separating from the enmeshment of parents. Of course, ʿāzab is also the root of ʿăzûbâ, “forsakenness, desolation,” so the process of separation is fraught with dangerous possibilities. That’s Chestnut’s point: survival strategies can become automatic coping mechanisms that actually prevent growth. They can become limiting factors in our world. They can close our horizons so that we simply cannot see the world differently. I am sure at some point you have recognized this in another person. “I’m comfortable with what I believe,” can be an emotional protection mechanism. No further discussion necessary. The real question is not, “How can I make so-and-so see my point?” The real question is, “Where do I put up the protective walls when I feel afraid?”
Proverbs is tonic to combat emotional defensive walls. šāmaʿ, the opening word in this verse, is familiar. It doesn’t mean “listen.” It means “understand what I am telling you and do something with it.” Proverbs contains advice for the fearful. The instructions are not another set of rules. We’ve probably realized by now that living according to the rules can also be a defensive system. If you live “by the rules,” then you don’t have to create solutions. You just pull out the rules and look in the index. No, Proverbs is about understanding where those automatic emotional strategies go, that is, what consequences they entail, and making choices before we act based on the foreseen inevitable results. That’s why Proverbs is for children. They still have a chance to avoid all those things we wish we hadn’t done. But only if we give instruction in the spirit of šāmaʿ. That probability includes using some or all of its range of meanings: “šāmaʿhas the basic meaning ‘to hear.’ This is extended in various ways, generally involving an effective hearing or listening: 1) ‘listen to,’ ‘pay attention,’ 2) ‘obey’ (with words such as ‘commandment’ etc.), 3) ‘answer prayer,’ ‘hear,’ 4) ‘understand’ and 5) ‘hear critically,’ ‘examine (in court).’”[3] Not quite the same as a casual conversation, or even a forceful demand. Telling a child, “Don’t do that!” isn’t the same as instructing, is it? Yet I would venture to guess that most of us grew up under the “rules” version of life. “This is how we do things around here,” was the unspoken mantra of our childhoods. But it wasn’t every effective, was it? Implied, expected consent is the grist of rebellion. šāmaʿmust be more than this. šāmaʿmust be connected with insight, both personal and confessional. “When I was your age, I thought I could act like that, but it hurt me in lots of ways that I didn’t understand until much later. Let me tell you what happened.”
Parenting isn’t laying down the ground rules for healthy, protected living. Parenting is the process of telling our own stories to our children in ways that teach them to fully live their stories. Unless we do that, they will just have to protect themselves from the same things we couldn’t face.
Topical Index: šāmaʿ, hear, understand, listen, obey, parenting, Proverbs 1:8-9
[1]Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge, p. 4.
[3]Austel, H. J. (1999). 2412 שָׁמַע. In R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke (Eds.), Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament(R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke, Ed.) (electronic ed.) (938). Chicago: Moody Press.
Excellent!
Perhaps in the Olam haBa YHWH will allow each of our individual lives to completely replay exactly like this life has played out, down to the last jot and tittle, but this time erasing those strong childhood “patterns’ of thinking, feeling, and behaving… ‘organizing principles,’ or beliefs about how the world works and how we must act in order to survive or thrive” and allow parents to parent just as Skip envisioned and YHWH originally intended. Imagine how we would be raised differently, and we in turn would raise our children in the fear of YHWH and according to Torah and they theirs, and they theirs, ad Infinitum with no sin, no HaSatan, no rebellion, no fear, no sickness, no failure; only the love for YHWH, Yeshua, truth, wisdom and each other.
I am too old and failed to take a mulligan or try to create a do over in this life with my 8 children, but maybe in the next go around (if there is one) it will be different, if only partly because I now have come to realize (and repent) for my many parenting failures and now know in part what it is to pay attention. So maybe all this guilt, grief, pain, sorrow, suffering has had a purpose, a lesson to be learned and applied, not just sighed over, regretted and lost to time. What if not only are all our sins are forgotten and our tears wiped away, but our re-newed way of being in the Second time around will be witnessed by the gods, angels and the entire creation.
TODAY: Auditions and Casting Calls. “Your Life” Act 2. Scene 1. Enter Stage Right. Lights, Camera, Action.
8 children?!! Impressive!! Way to go! I’m one of six boys and I thought that was a lot. I hear what you’re saying, though, and it is a great thought to which I can relate, and with only 3 adult children.
But if I were you, I would just give thanks and be rejoicing that it has been written, “Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed—in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last shofar. For the shofar will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we will be changed.” [1Co 15:51-53] And, “Loved ones, now we are God’s children; and it has not yet been revealed what we will be. But we do know that when it’s revealed, we shall be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is.” [1Jn.3:3]
Now THAT is some kind of re-education, isn’t it?!
In the meantime, here’s a re-education antidote. “Everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.” [1Jn.3:3] It may not be easy, but it’a pretty simple.
MORE POWER TO YA IN THE PRESSIN’ ON!
Hear, hear! Ask a child what they love most and they will say “tell me a story!” . They are primed to learn through stories, but the only stories an adult can tell are those that are ‘complete ‘; which is to say, have been successfully learned from. All real stories, I learned long ago, are versions of “boy meets girl; gets girl; loses girl; gets girl back”. Life lived successfully is a romance. Function is love in all dimensions and children never tire of hearing every honest version of how that romance got played out in our own lives. The beginning can be perfectly inauspicious; the middle can be horrific; but if we learned the lesson and got back to shalom (function) by the end of the tale, that’s all they need to hear.
I had the privilege of walking and talking on the beach most of a night recently with a precious young person in my family and telling the stories of us that have gone before. This is what helps the young the most and what they need most from us. The good, the bad and the ugly; they need it all. You can transfer your love and your concern as well as morals best in the form of your own life: witness. It doesn’t matter how gory the details; if you have gotten to a place of resolution: peace: that is all they need to hear to cheer them on as well as instruct them in their own struggles. BTW it does not matter how old they are, either. Grown children with kids and even grandkids of their own STILL need (can benefit from) the stories of those that went before. It really IS never too late to have a happy childhood: I felt really happy to be able to tell this youngster “I love you” with the story of my own struggles.
P.S. The story of the entire Good Book likewise fits the above story model: that is how we can tell that it is “useful for instruction, for conviction, for correction, and for training in righteousness”. May we all learn to live and learn in our own lives in such a way that we, too, can help those who go after us.
P.P.S. Try calling up any child of yours, no matter how old, and ask them if they want to hear a story about you and see what they say!
My mother lied to me for years. When my sister-in-law inadvertently confirmed this while telling me about the psychological problems her child was having, I asked my mother about this. She denied it at first, then she finally admitted it was true. But she didn’t care about what impact it had on me all these years. She was angry at my brother for telling my sister-in-law what she thought was a secret–me that is. Children will go to great lengths to protect a parent. As adults they will continue to do this. I did this. I can’t blame my mother for my decision. But it was the wrong decision. I paid the price for this, but so did all of my family. But what I realize now is most people don’t want to change. And many adults who become parents decide they don’t have to admit to their children that they make mistakes. Paul tells us to honor our parents but he also tells parents not to provoke their children. It seems to me most parents don’t know the last part.
For most of my adult life, I was a family secret within my family of origin. The pattern has continued to play itself out in other significant adult relationships. Why? Denial is a coping mechanism that still has powerful influence on my behavior. I can rationally see a situation for the negative effect it has on me, but my denial allows me to emotionally continue to engage in relationships where I am diminished in some way. I think my denial did start in childhood. I was a sensitive child, therefore if my mother spoke hatefully to me, it was my problem if I became upset, not hers, because I was too sensitive. So now my question is, “What is God trying to show me?” I am connecting some of the dots, but how to change the destructive pattern is my problem. I trust that God will continue to help me connect the dots. I pray that he will help me release the anger I feel in ways that are not harmful to others or myself.
Denial is a coping mechanism that can definitely turn against us. Breaking those destructive patterns requires God’s help. First, we have to recognize them as destructive. Major turning point. But then how to proceed from there.
I just want to clarify that I mean I don’t want to use words to hurt others or myself. The saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me should be thrown in the garbage can. Words stay with us.
Hello Marsha, I felt I needed to address my rather short response to you as it was sadly lacking in conveying my empathy for you. I am sorry your mom lied to you and even more sorry that she did not feel any remorse over the impact it had on your life. It must have been hard to see how you had wasted most of your adult life and to finally understand but also what a tremendous gift from God to experience such powerful healing. What joy you must have felt and hopefully still experience! Also I am sorry that this has continued to play out in other meaningful relationships in your life. I am sorry you were deceived by a person you trusted and that they failed to warrant your trust in your walk of faith. Shalom and may God allow you to experience healing and forgiveness.
My heart goes out to you. I love that you are in the process of recognizing the problem(s) and facing what needs to be done to move into greater awareness of who and what you were originally created to be, not what lies or abuse have formed over time. James 4:2,3 says we don’t have because we don’t ask and we don’t receive because we ask with wrong motives. Crying out to the Father for Truth (instead of my perception of Truth, which was a lie) was a turning point for me. He showed me the lie I had believed. Was it painful? Did it break my heart? Yes, but now I could begin to heal because denial and lies were over. It really is never about who lied to you, but more about what you do with the lie you believed because of it. YHVH says it is sin to believe a lie and He has been faithful to reveal this to you. We each have a responsibility to take care of our own relationship with the Father. Those who lie to you have to answer to the Father for their own sin. Scripture is clear about how to deal with sin. It first needs to be confessed. Why? Does God not know you sinned? Of course, but we need to know it and agree with Him. Then comes repentance. Teshuvah – turning away from sin (in this case, believing the lie) and returning to Truth. Once this has been accomplished, we can now tell the Father we receive His forgiveness that cleanses us from all the unrighteousness attached to that sin, 1John 1:9. Forgiveness is never granted without repentance from the sin that required it in the first place. I hope this is helpful. I will be praying for you.
PS. The anger, unforgiveness, resentment, etc can all be dealt with in the same way. You do not have to carry them or keep them. Be blessed, dear sister, for you are being set free!
It is funny because God had healed me of much of this pain and brokenness within my family dynamic. And what I mean by that is that the shame and bitterness were gone in an instant. All that baggage I had carried around for years, He took it away. Therapy and support groups were helpful and allowed me to manage to stay alive during my younger years. But YeHoVaH healed me in a way I never dreamed possible. Most of my current conflict comes from the actions of an adult I trusted that proved themselves to be unworthy of my trust. A person of faith and somewhat in a position of respect if not authority. I think all should go through a process of self-analysis not to get answers but to become aware of ourselves and our pain. To learn to accept ourselves. I take Yeshua’s command about loving ourselves to be just that-learning to accept ourselves, but in the end, it is only YeHoVaH that heals us. This person’s deceit and treatment of me has allowed this to resurface. The sad thing is I still am participating. MY point about denial! My adult mind understands this, but the child within me makes plenty of room for denial. You say that believing a lie is a sin and I need to confess…didn’t follow. And I WAS FREE.
Oh, Marsha, how does the bondage creep back in? I have found the chains being slinked back into place because I didn’t even understand that I let my guard down. I was free, I could trust, I could be open, and my inner child, still primally attached to survival skills learned so very long ago, still vulnerable to old patterns, got taken advantage of again. Again! What did I miss?!? May you know the continued healing YeHoVaH alone brings. He will continue to restore and make new. His burden is easy, His yoke is light. May we realize when we forget to put it on, and get it on immediately. May we be aware when a corner of that room is empty, not filled with the Holy Spirit, and vulnerable to spiritual squatters.
Skip has connected us to Brene Brown’s work several times. If you do a search on her name and anatomy of trust, you will find her website has a “SuperSoul Session” of her Anatomy of Trust presentation. It is 22 minutes 48 seconds. I got brave and forgot to follow B-R-A-V-I-N-G. I listen to her often and have the book, too, because I need the reminder again and again.
I like her work. I haven’t read all her work, but I have listened to the above and the TED talk on vulnerability that made her famous. She seems legitimate, but to me there is always a public and private personae . Many times don’t match up. But her work on vulnerability is worth incorporating.
Charles Feltman’s definitions of trust and distrust which Dr. Brown shares are good guides: Trust is “choosing to risk making something [I] value vulnerable to another person’s actions” and distrust is deciding that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).” And how she describes the Vault fits those definitions. If I observe, if I listen, I can tell if a person demonstrates true trustworthiness. My inner child deserves for me to be cautious, to be careful.