The Second Chapter
A few days ago I wrote something about the present state of my personal journey. I tried to capture in words the emotions of my experience with God and about God. I wasn’t sure about sharing this since you, as readers, cover a very wide range of spiritual experiences and I didn’t want my current state to unduly influence your growth and development. But vulnerability is the willingness to be wounded, so I decided to go forward.
The reaction was interesting, unnerving and a bit frightening.
Some of you identified and wrote encouraging replies.
Some of you questioned whether or not I was really “saved.”
Some of you engaged in the intellectual exercise but avoided the emotional trauma (like me).
Some of you spoke about your own struggles and confusion.
Some of you experienced more breakdown when you realized that I’m not the man with the answers.
Most of you said nothing (that’s okay too).
I’m providing this second bit of feedback because I suspect that we’re all in here somewhere (or wish we were). I wish I had the answers, that my life was getting simpler, that the spiritual battles were fewer and farther between. That just doesn’t seem to be the case now. Yes, and sometimes I even wonder what I am doing in this mess and maybe I’m completely unqualified and (worse) reprobate.
But I think the only thing I can do at the moment is keep going. That sounds like faith to me.
Skip
Sounds like faith to me too, Skip. And I’m certain many of us are there with you. Just taking one more breath; one more step. Not letting go. You still inspire us…
Skip, thank you so much for being so open, I can so relate. I am no where near as intelligent as you but I so so appreciate your insights and find that I also struggle in many areas as you. Always appreciate your words … and struggles yes sounds like faith to me too
“Second star to the right and straight on ’til morning.”
Repeat daily until second star is arrived at even though said second star always seems to extend over the horizon.
We often lift up our prayers to God. We make our requests known, we give Him our burdens, we gather in prayer meetings to offer up a list of ailments among friends, family, our communities, the world. But, how often do we stop to listen…wait for His answer. He DOES answer but sometimes we don’t like what He has to say. But, if we continually ignore His answers, He will eventually stop listening. I heard a powerful and convicting sermon recently titled “Prayer God Does Not Hear.” If interested, it can be heard at (adathatikvah (.org) Then, on the website, click on “sermons” at the top. Then click the forward arrow on the Feb. 16, 2019 sermon…(Prayer God Does Not Hear). It’s a good reminder for all of us.
Thank you, Judi.
Skip. Thank you for your vulnerability. I am one of them who said nothing and I am sorry. Your teaching has opened my eyes to scripture like no other, making the Word of God come alive and exciting in my life. You are a brilliant teacher, a powerful communicator and effective labourer for the Kingdom of God. I remember your teaching on Psalm 22 and want to encourage you with the same. We, the community you write to, hold you in our prayers. iI is our turn to stand in the gap for you through this season. We pray that you will experience God’s pleasure over you. God finds the cracks in the wall and squeezes through to be with you. You are safe
John 10:27 -29 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, 29 for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand.
It’s exhausting, this journey we’re on..sometimes I want to jump off! But we keep searching and discovering and in the end He WILL provide all the answers for us AND our cups will overflow! Soul, take heart!
Personally, I don’t believe we can be fully “in community” until we have become our more authentic selves, meaning the messy version that we hide from others.
Skip, I don’t want to think of how I would be without G-d using you to grow me – not to put pressure on you- but to show you how your vulnerability creates safe spaces for us “others” to move and pose our own questions. That’s how I see you- as my brother in arms- working through our lives together and growing more and more in love with Our Creator. Your insight encourages me to do my own digging. You’re not a guru that we follow and we definitely don’t need to be judging someone else’s walk on this planet-
I am deeply grateful for every challenging post and my shouting/thinking foul words thrown your way as you have thrown a wrench in my tire spoke more than once-
You, this community and the G-d of my understanding RIGHT NOW, are very important to me…. especially knowing that all three will grow. I love HaShem more than I ever have and don’t want that to ever change- except to grow and grow and grow.
You do you. No judgment here.
That sounds like faith to me… too. We were so moved, yet others wrote so well our feelings – we agreed a lot (thumb up) and even Gary knew tears as we loved you from the relative “safety” of our Sabbath living room. We love you, and we are endlessly grateful that we journey together with you. Thank you, Skip, for Braving the Wilderness with us. You are like Karen Blixen’s servant, going ahead of us and building the fires that light our way.
Skip, you are loved! (A Course in Miracles).
There’s a great talk by Dr. Gabor Mate titled The Need for Authenticity. I think he would approve of your vulnerability with us and more importantly, yourself. You can’t give what you don’t have. The need for self-love if that only means self-acceptance. In fact, I may go back and listen to a quote he gave so I can write it down and share it with everyone in this community.
A quote by A. H. Almaas from Dr. Mate’s talk you can find on YouTube on authenticity and what happened to us in childhood and why as adults we experience illness/addiction that is life threatening.
“The fundamental thing that happened and the greatest calamity is not that there was no love or support. The greater calamity which is caused by that first calamity is that you lost the connection to your essence. That is much more important than whether your father or mother loved you.”
A few years ago, YHVH gave me a new identity and my life changed. Then an unexpected obstacle came along and her I am still surrounded by family dysfunction and being reminded on a daily basis I don’t measure up. My childhood essence has long disappeared, but I know that my identity is now found in who YHVH says I am. But being faithful when you find yourself in a situation you didn’t put yourself in is hard.
Thanks for sharing your story, Skip—not everyone would be so willing. And your faithfulness is admirable as I learn more and more about your own personal/family traumas and how you have remained faithful in spite of. Remain faithful as you feel YHVH leads you. But maybe it is time to think about some down time. God is in the small things as well as the big. Time to take a walk. Why not. 🙂
I agree Marsha I heard it a few weeks ago … it’s a message we need to hear for it seems authenticity is sparse! Skip remember the rowing boat….. so now just let the oars rest and allow the boat to drift a bit…..HE is in charge and I’m sure we’ll pleased with your journey and the sharing of your Innermost being….. being vulnerable like that is a gift.
Skip, As a Messianic Rabbi and having been involved as a teacher of God’s Word I can empathize with you. Sometimes I too scratch my head wondering if I am doing any good, teaching correctly and leading others. I was once wondering this and another Rabbi I respect told me as long as I am teaching God’s Word from a biblical perspective then I shouldn’t doubt myself. So I continue to devote myself to learning and digging deeper in His Word. Skip, you help me to do this, challenge some of my traditional thoughts and grow closer to the LORD. So I thank you and offer you encouragement. Struggles are part of life but at least we have faith to get us through. Blessings,
Rabbi Eric
The Last Dance (13 Feb) – Some major changes are coming to the Moen household.
We have been hoping for some major changes to our lives also that would have us to leave our snowbird “home” in Florida permanently. The very same day you posted this, it finally happened. We had an offer to buy everything, lock, stock and barrel. We are filling our cargo trailer today for the last time to begin a slow boat, meandering sojourn north to Canada tomorrow.
This journey that began in 2012 with meeting you and Roseann on a boat in the Med will “end” here in Florida with you also soon. Bon voyage to the physical, bien venue to the metaphysical, “endless” trip. We look forward to meeting you both yet again in Italy as well as TW.
Spiral circles on the ocean, not straight road lines for sure.
Happy trails in Canada, George and Penny. Maybe we should all just pack up and journey off to sunny Italy with Skip and Roseanne. Drinking wine and eating pasta are two of my favorite things. 🙂
Marsha, we would live there in a heartbeat, anywhere in Tuscany, blissfully. Meanwhile for a year at least, let it snow let it snow let it snow.
Yes, Skip. Me, too? I’m praying for joy in the waiting for all of us. All I know is He is faithful. So we wait.
I feel you Skip, albeit I’m 19, but even in the few years I’ve been on this journey, you think it gets easier, but often times it doesn’t, or you don’t see it, but sticking with it, trusting God makes it a little easier. The closer you get to him, often times, the farther you want to be from him. Look at your last Psalm study, that’s how David feel in the beginning.
Hi Skip, I’ve been a bit off in keeping current with the daily emails, being distracted with cancer treatments. In reading this and the message you refer to it reminds me of how I’ve felt so frequently – like a kid with a scraped knee who cries, “help me, help me, but don’t touch me” for fear of what Bactine wielding Mom will do to make it better. I am also reminded of scenes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind where certain people are drawn to something they don’t understand for reasons they also don’t understand. I think it takes honesty and courage to engage in the journey. I recently heard two messianic Jews discussing Exodus 20 and the poor choice of the usual translations that have Moses telling the people, “God is coming to test you.” They said that the better translation would be that God wanted to come close and have an encounter with them, but for fear the people stood far off and told Moses to relay the messages. Whether that is accurate or not, it does seem that God is interested more in our knowing Him than our knowing about Him. So, here’s to the scary journey!
The rabbinic interpretive reply is so much more interesting than dogma or doctrine of whatever Christian cult I can imagine. I have been there. No thanks.
Ditto!
A missionary to Chad Africa ( not a friendly place and nobody goes there to vacation ) once shared his trauma. His baby son had to have surgery and
after pleading with God for the life of his son, the baby died. He shared his devastating experience of grief as he also had to dig the grave, bury his son and then try to get up in the morning having to tell himself to pick up one foot at a time to keep going. That story never left me. I am sorry I do not do justice to repeating his trauma. It shattered me but he is still going. I guess so are all of us. One foot at a time and after having done all to stand, stand. Praising Abba today that I have my health, my sight, my hearing and on and on it goes. I love that you share your journey Skip and I love Laurita’s responses and for that matter everybody else’s. Keep walking and when you have to stop, just stand.
Skip, thanks for willing to be vulnerable. I was just reading John 3 again the other day, look at how much of the Lord’s people are “afraid to come into the light for fear of being exposed?” If we’re supposed to be God’s vessels to reach out to those who are hurting and lost, how will we ever be able to help them if we ourselves don’t come into the light with others who we need and work with to create communities of hope and transformation? Keep on keeping on brother!
The most important ACT in a play is the Third.
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
Humble persistent obedience until the curtain falls.
Following Paul’s example, Skip is being a good model.
Especially when YHVH tends to whisper in our Third Act.
Even as one among billions of plays, may we finish well.
Faith indeed Skip, I find myself struggling with this but I know at the end, God will tell me, there you go, that was it! You taught us through the Hebrew World to stop, wait, listen then go, that is, do it! Back to faith!!
Yep…living life on a foundation of things hoped for and in the conviction of things unseen…that sounds like faith to me.
Dear Dear Skip, I’ve been a small part of this discussion for a few years now and want you to know that in my silence, in my fear of saying things that do not measure up to the calibre of your intellectual discussion, I have learned so much and questioning my pre-conceived or taught beliefs is part of that. You’ve answered many questions and thankfully forced me to ask many more. My family and few friends won’t take my advise and follow your discussion. My wife read your book and handed it back to me without hardly a word. That of itself, made me question what I am doing but I refuse to give up in my pursuit of trying to figure out what G_d’s plan for me is and attempting to understand as much as I can about Him and what I can do to honor Him. I thank you for the studies you’ve made available. I’m listening to “Silence” again, trying to absorb more of the message you are providing. This virtual contact with you is very difficult to wrap myself around as the conversation is so one sided and so impersonal with no ability to bounce questions back and forth or to be able to look you in the eye as ideas are expressed. I have no intention of giving up on you and continue to admire you from afar. The example you provide in living G_d’s will by sharing so much of you with us and educating us by taking us back to the message scripture was really trying to communicate is sincerely appreciated. I could never do what you do but am thoroughly grateful for you..
Skip – I didn’t respond because I hadn’t read it yet – so I just did. Your words so touch me. I have a deep, personal, challenging, fighting, loving, totally paradoxical and oxymoronic relationship with Ha Shem (as a believing Jew). I was blessed to have parents who taught me to separate my relationship with Him from man’s institutions about Him – like church, theology, religion etc. .. this coming from both parents – including my father who came to believe in Yeshua, went to Princeton Theological Seminary and is more than happy to play the theology game as long as you leave it at that and separate it from the personal daily relationship with Ha Shem. One of the amazing things about the Bible, vs other sacred texts, is that we Jews let it all hang out – we didn’t sanitize it – and I totally agree with your “It means that I see the long story of generational and cultural trauma written in the lives of these men and women as they seek God, and as He seeks them. And typically, it isn’t a pretty, sanitized picture. It’s a mess—just like me. I find some comfort in this fact, but it doesn’t bring relief.” When Ha Shem says the sins of the father will be visited upon the children, it isn’t a curse, it’s a statement of fact. And for me, this just shows how we’re not saved by works, but totally by grace. I so so long for Him to just hold me – physically hold me like my parents did when I was little – and envelope me with His love and grace and put aside who/what I’ve been…. and I don’t know if it will be my, or your, undoing – but I pray that if it is, I can be undone and redone all in His arms – that He doesn’t let go in the process – and I believe that – because I believe He is consistent and also because I have to believe it to go on – and I also figure, if I believe that now, and it helps me get through, and ends up I’m wrong – so what? At least it gets me through now – and that sounds like intellectual & spiritual abdication, but it isn’t – Our L-rd is consistent, steadfast, but not a patsy…. and for me, His grace has never waivered, at least to His people, even when we felt it did.
You are in my heart & prayers and your honesty is a blessing
Hey Skip. I don’t always get to read TW and sometimes I miss days at a time. I think I must have missed the previous writing about your personal journey. I all I know is that for the short time I have been here I have watched your journey and have been able to come to terms with my own journey. Nothing is perfect and life is a struggle with a great many peaks and valleys. I have learned to be far less judgemental towards others and to mind my own footsteps so to speak!
My time here in this community has been a very good thing. Always helps me think and oftentimes enlightens me in ways I had never considered. There are so many seriously educated folks here and oftentimes the thoughts shared are way above my pay grade! Doesn’t matter as I keep coming back.
Keep journeying and keep your faith. There are many with you 🙂
Shalom
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you struggle with God and man and overcome. In my experience, God has been faithful to lead me through barren wastes and soul-crushing experiences, and making it to the other side has ALWAYS resulted in greater emotional health, character strength, and peace. I trust He will do the same for you! And I, like you, have dumped a LOT of theology along the way! Keep going in your pursuit of God – listening for His voice and obeying it. And if that means stepping out of the public venue for a season, do it. A public venue can often be a distraction for all parties from hearing God’s voice clearly. Praying your heart receives a revelation of God’s overwhelming love for you! His goal is the restoration of our souls, no matter how painful that might be.
Hello Skip,
I am one of those who said nothing.
I also have been dealing with issues of faith, failures, and more for a few years now.
I want you to know that your daily teachings are very helpful and appreciated.
The sharing of your knowledge and thoughts are a blessing. They provoke thought, discussion, and action.
A reason I did not reply earlier is that I did not think I have anything of value to give to you.
I only have my thanks and appreciation.
May Yahovah bless you and keep you;
May Yahovah make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
May Yahovah turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Hi Skip,
When we leave the comfort of what is familiar, we have to face our demons, all that we really hard for him to feel safe. But I guess that’s just an illusion to, isn’t it. They may be loneliness, isolation, fear, childhood traumas or just the big unknown. I’m with you Skip. When we start peeling back the layers of the onion, we can take a good look at ourselves, our motivations and what’s really is in our heart. 90% of human behavior of course is subconsciously driven. So if we presume that we know at all times what we’re doing, I guess were just lying to ourselves in living in delusion.
I for one am also on the journey towards truth. It’s a never ending journe, with lots of potholes, rabbit trails and detours. All we can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other into the unknown. And yes agreed, that is faith. My wife used to say, its stepping out into nothingness to discover what’s there.
Jeff
Jeff, give your wife a big kiss for me. Her descriptive for faith is a thing of beauty, a joy to remember and worthy of framing. I love it.
Ok, I now have a little time to properly respond. Skip, you have become a staple of life to me, my wife and our little study group. Going to Israel with you and Bob was a BIG bucket list check off. That trip really has opened my mind, heart and soul to more understanding from Scriptures. It was amazing, and still is in my memory. The few conferences we’ve been to that allowed us to listen to your ponderings have been enlightening, encouraging, and exciting (as well as scary at times.) Thank you. Today’s Word is part of my life routine now and has been for many years. I’m grateful for the offerings of your journey in an attempt to understand and conform to YHVH’s life. No longer do I accept things face value anymore. Mercy, I used to just gobble up anything a preacher or teacher said. Not no mo! Thanks to you. I have way more questions now than answers yet more things are answered now than ever in a way. Certainty isn’t quite as important anymore as black and white reveals more gray. And gray keeps me walking and working to dig deeper. The box I used to stand on has been discarded. I try to live in a ‘bet’ (2nd Hebrew letter) with one end open to receive whatever I can dig out of my searches. Doctrine and theology is also far less important for me now. Living and doing is the focal point now based on the pieces of life I can pry out of Torah. I often have tried to explain my journey of the past several years to my former church attending friends that I have pushed everything I thought I knew off my table. I’ve been picking up each thing and have been re-examing each one throwing away those things that don’t pass scrutiny and replacing and revising those that do and placing them back on my ‘table.’ There is far less on my table, however, there are many more questions now. Oddly, though, there is a little more peace and contentment in my journey. But in that contentment, I do experience some of the challenges you’ve highlighted of late. I’m sure I am just now as far down the road as you. I’m intent of the pursuit though. I, too, aim to keep going and pushing on to the end. I hope to give it a tenatious effort. Your contributions have aided, encouraged and helped me toward that goal tremendously. I am grateful to you. Blessings to you and Roseanne.
Skip, you have been an inspiration to me for over a decade now. You’re not in this boat alone and yes, you are human with emotions. I myself struggle. I have lost my only son to cancer some years ago. I’m now in prison for hurting a man that was messing with my wife of 37 years who struggles with bipolar issues. One thing I know after decades of Counseling others, studying the scriptures, other religions, etc., etc.; we all have issues AND it’s not about religion it’s about a relationship with our Savior. You keep doing what you’re doing, my friend!
Dr. Ray A Pearl, P. Th. D.
Skip, you want us to “see” you. The problem is we will project what we need from you onto your attempt to be “seen”. At least that has been my experience. Even in our attempt to share with someone who we “really are”—— our vulnerability and transparency, it gets all enmeshed with the other person’s needs and desires. It is hard to be “seen” by another person. But we all long for it. And I know God does “see/know” me. I am sustained by that.
I am reading “Sistine Secrets” about Michelangelo’s hidden theological messages in his paintings on the Sistine Chapel ceiling. If you want to read about someone who struggled with God and men then this is the book for you. I am sure that Michelangelo wondered why he had such an unloving family, such talent as a sculptor that kept being diverted by evil religious people into having to learn to paint huge frescos and cast bronze statues for which he had no initial technical ability. He must have wondered why the Roman Catholic leaders were so cruel and such hypocrites and yet controlled his life. He had a unique education with the wealthy and greatest artists of his day. He was exposed to Torah, Talmud, Midrash and Kabbala along with the pagan classics. He wanted to understand all beauty and truth as coming from the one God of love and yet he was a loner who didn’t fit in general society. Michelangelo, like Job, had no idea of the part he was playing in the historical war of ideas being played out within his lifetime but he is quoted to have said “Many believe – and I believe – that I have been designated for this work by God. In spite of my old age, I do not want to give it up; I work out of love for God and I put all my hope in Him.”
“I work out of love for God and I put all my hope in Him”. Thanks Rhonda. This is helpfull.