Painful Days – A Reflection
Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am wretched. Heal me, for my limbs are stricken. Psalm 6:2 Robert Alter
My limbs – On the 30th of April of this year, I wrote a piece about the excruciating pain I was experiencing in my left knee. I asked for your prayers (thank you). I wrote about the spiritual crisis that accompanied this physical suffering. As you recall, the pain was non-stop, twenty-four hours a day for many weeks. Then, just as suddenly as it had begun, it disappeared. I made my journey to America, saw my children, and took photos in a slot canyon. Since then I have had no more problems with my left knee. Now when I re-read what I wrote at that time, I’m embarrassed and ashamed. My faith in the benevolence of YHVH was put to the test and I don’t think I did very well. I can carry a lot of mental anguish, but during that time the physical torture was more than I could deal with. I questioned my faith—and God.
It’s been about four months since I wrote that. Now I realize that a greater crisis is upon me despite the fact that I am walking without trouble. What is that crisis? The shame of it all. There is a real sense that my failure to maintain my view of God’s goodness makes me feel unworthy of His blessings—and unable to re-engage with Him. I must be such a disappointment. Here I am, scholar, teacher, believer—and I’ve heard the cock crow three times. How can I continue to write about the sovereignty of God if I so easily questioned it in the past? How can I accept His continuing care when I have been such a disappointment? My limbs aren’t stricken anymore, but my heart is.
I know the theology. God certainly can forgive my doubting His goodness. He can forgive my complaint, my lack of trust, and my self-preoccupation with a desire for relief. He can forgive, but I’m not so sure I can. And when I think about my reluctance to forgive myself, then the yetzer ha’ra gets right to work reminding me of all the other things that I don’t deserve to be forgiven for. One failure opens the door for remembering all those other failures spread across my bumpy spiritual journey. The yetzer ha’ra has a field day convincing me that God wasn’t even involved in all this, that my mysterious onset and just as mysterious relief was just some physiological abnormality. Nothing spiritual at all. And the temptation to consider it nothing more than the chaos of the universe makes me feel even worse because it essentially denies His sovereignty. I’m Job. Forgive me for even thinking I could question the whole affair.
Today I’m somewhere in the Mediterranean enjoying accommodations and meals simply because the company wants me to speak about things I love to speak about. A very nice gig. Do I think I deserved this? Am I grateful to God for making it possible? Am I more grateful when life is pleasurable but not grateful when it hurts? It seems so. What does that say about who I really am? Is God my Lord only when things are going well? I hope that isn’t the case, but I have April 30th to remind me how fragile my faith seems to be.
Thank you all for helping me through this. You are the hands and feet—and voices—I needed.
Topical Index: faith, crisis, pain, sovereignty, benevolence, Job, Psalm 6:2
I can’t imagine that anyone judges you because of that TW. You had constant pain for a long period of time and that breaks you down in so many ways. Yes, we should learn to trust God in all things, but when we struggle, being open and honest about it with trusted friends is usually the best. You modelled vulnerability which I believe is both a weapon and a tool. You probably empowered and enabled others to resist hypocrisy, choose honesty, and ask for prayers. I love that you, a learned man with such knowledge and wisdom, dare to be as humble and authentic as you are with your audience. I’m sure it’s very uncomfortable many times, but it makes me want to keep reading and listening.
Thank you Father God for Skip’s healing. Thank you for what You’re teaching him and us all through this.
This takes me back immediately to the bowels of a cruise ship “somewhere in the Mediterranean” in August 2011 and I am trying to find a lecture room where you are already speaking. Thankfully I find it and am mesmerized by what you are saying and still are 12 years later. Nothing has changed for the better in the world except me. I know where I am going because I know where I came from. Thanks Skip for a dozen of the best, George (and Penny).
Psalm 103 – For He knows our frame; He is mindful that we are dust. The month of Elul – the heart of introspection and repentance leading up to the glorious cycle of atonement. Thank you for the beautiful reminder from a place of humility.
So happy that you are doing so much better. I have been going through some of what you were going through but mine is dealing with diabetes. I am having a hard time getting it under control to the point where it is no longer slowly but consistently negatively effecting my health and shortening my life. I, however am still where you were months ago. I don’t know, maybe in time I will wind up where you are now. My biggest struggle with all of this is that I really do not know if I want too. That is the most unsettling part of it. Maybe there is still enough of a flicker of faith or whatever left that will propel me to not give up. Time will tell.
Yes, don’t give up. That is the Hebrew definition of “faith.”
I seem to live out my life under that sort of guilt and shame most of the time. I have been challenged to consider that these tests are brought to us by my Creator and are designed by Him. When I fail the test I am learning to draw the focus to confirm and remind myself that I can do nothing without Him. I need this reminder often as I grow in my emunah (faith, steadfastness, faithfulness). It is not about the failure — it is about the growth!
Skip, you have changed so many lives in so many ways! If you didn’t have and share these struggles you would be like most of those other preachers and teachers out there who have “reached a point of righteousness” (in their own minds) that is unattainable for the rest of us. Thank you for your honesty and sharing the struggles. You become the hope for the rest of us!
Glad you can enjoy what you are doing! You do deserve a boat ride!
Wow, Skip. I am so thankful for your release from that pain. I’m just as grateful for the openness you have shown to your readers, throughout the years. Thanks be to God, and thank you, Skip, for letting us know!