Biblical PTSD (1)
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5 KJV
Wounded – He might have been wounded for your transgression, but not for mine. Believe me when I tell you that I bear the scars of my own sins, the bruises of my own regrets, and chastisement has fallen on me. I am reflecting on the death of a long-time close friend. I spoke with him just a day or two before he died. He said to me, “Well, I’ve had a good run.” He knew the end was very near. I miss him and will continue to miss him until I find the same exit.
But it’s not just this. “I’ve had a good run” challenged me to ask if I could say the same. I don’t think so. Oh, I’ve done a lot. I’ve traveled many places. My resume appears full. But those things hide the scars. I think about the people I’ve injured. Not physically. I wish it were only physical injury because then it could heal. No, I agonize over the emotional injuries I’ve caused. Lives I’ve fractured. Without evil intent, for sure, but just as damaging. There are times when I can hardly bear those wounds. Some are my own children. My oldest who hasn’t had any contact with me for more than two years. I don’t even know if he is alive. One day he just stopped communicating. I did everything I could to reach him—but nothing. Never. That’s a wound that doesn’t heal. And I am sure that I bear the responsibility for that scar.
There were others, now nightmare memories. Accidents of a man who didn’t know himself. A wanderer in the wasteland, searching for something that would take away the pain. God-substitutes. Because whatever Isaiah meant, it didn’t work for me. If I weren’t addicted to distraction, I’d probably spend my life crying.
A well-documented feature of trauma, one familiar to many, is our inability to articulate what happens to us. Not only do we lose our words, but something happens with our memory as well. During a traumatic incident, our thought processes can become scattered and disorganized in such a way that we no longer recognize the memories as belonging to the original event. Instead, fragments of memory, dispersed as images, body sensations, and words, are stored in our unconscious and can become activated later by anything even remotely reminiscent of the original experience. Once they are triggered, it is as if an invisible rewind button has been pressed, causing us to reenact aspects of the original trauma in our day-to-day lives. Unconsciously, we could find ourselves reacting to certain people, events, or situations in old, familiar ways that echo the past.[1]
Do you suppose that’s what happened? And I just can’t remember when and where? Do you think he was wounded for this? Was it the same for you?
Topical Index: wounded, trauma, Isaiah 53:5
[1] Mark Wolynn, It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle (Penguin Books, 2017), p. 15.
Yes… it is the same for me… all the fragments, images, sensations and words that more and more frequently trigger vivid “reruns” of aspects of the original experiences of trauma and the unnerving demoralization that ‘oxymoronically’ follows every vague recollection of detail… found present in a manner similar to an ongoing presentation of charges before sentencing— and invoking hoplessness.
But then… in prayerful confession… as my heart and mind are rendered subject to the Almighty God who is Sovereign, and my trembling soul is made prostrate in repentance, before that Eternal Living Judge… and I hear this pronouncement:
“This verdict stands as having already been served; thereby, because I find no restraint of justice in my judgement, you are now set free to uphold— to confirm, maintain, endorse, and validate— the honor, integrity and righteousness of this… My… court.”
You are free to go. For freedom My Christ has set you free! Stand firm, therefore, and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.
“For sin will not be master over you, because you are not under law, but under grace…and having been set free from sin, you became enslaved to righteousness. But now, having been set free from sin and having been enslaved to God, you have your fruit leading to sanctification, and its end is eternal life.“ (cf. Romans 6:18; 6:14; 6:22)
This is poetry to my soul, not the pretty kind but the healing kind.
It goes along with the gentle opening of my fists on all things I thought I was certain about.
The letting go that punches holes into one’s reality so that light can finally filter in. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Delightfully and poetically described, Estera… thank you for sharing.
Skip,
This one is difficult to respond to publicly but I will do my best and leave further details to emails.
I will not placate your pain with statements that everything will be alright and you will get over it. These statements will not ease or erase your pain. They are yours and they are a real part of your life. But I will say that God provides you the strength to get through. He doesn’t promise us a life free of pain and trauma but promises the strength to get through it.
I do believe you have, as we all have, forgotten trauma afflicted upon us and trauma that we have caused ourselves. But as Mark Wolynn and Brene Brown have shown us, the body remembers and definitely remembers its responses to that trauma and is ready to respond.
To the question of was he wounded for this. The standard Christian response would be that Jesus was and did because this is a forward prophecy of Him. And that is ok if that brings you comfort and I do not judge anyone who holds this position.
The Jews do not hold this position in that they don’t believe the Messiah is to be a sacrifice. Rashi explains this chapter as the “he” that is talked about here is Israel as a whole represented as one man. Rashi refers to Isaiah 44:2 as an example. I would also say that if the chapter is taken as a whole the verses 10 – 12 appear to be describing responses to a man or nation having children, prolonged days, and wealth. Not things that Yeshua had or would have. This position could also be true. Comfort is in the eyes of the believer. As I have stated earlier no theological position is 100%.
Conclusion, I believe Yeshua is the Messiah, He as representative of the Torah pointed the way to follow God as Moses did, Yeshua had bestowed upon him the power of God on earth as Joseph had the powers of pharaoh bestowed upon him and that Gods grace saves us and makes available to us the strength to live life and survive our weaknesses, mistakes, and most of all to forgive ourselves.
Thanks for this, Bill. Yes, the ability to persevere must come from God for otherwise there is no relief. And yes, trauma is trans-generational. I write only from my own experience and the writing helps me move forward, but you already knew that. I appreciate your faithfulness and your willingness to engage.
Hello Bill…thanks again for your comments. You mentioned Mark Wolynn (whom I’ve not heard of) and Brene Brown, who I’ve come to appreciate very much. I would assume you’ve also discovered Bessel Van Der Kolk, who wrote “The Body Keeps the Score”? His book laid the foundation for me to understand, really understand Skip’s book, “The Hidden Beast; Confronting the Enemy Within”. Van Der Kolks descriptions of what trauma does has been so valuable. If you’ve already read it, great!
all the books you mention are great
😁
Yes to all. Read The Body Keeps the Score and Skip’s book The Hidden Beast: Confronting the Enemy Within. I have not Mark Wolynn yet since Skip mentions him.
👍🏻
If I could cut and paste the conversation I had with my wife this morning, you would be amazed at how very similar my comments to her were to what you’ve written. Thanks for your vulnerability Skip.
This statement in particular, came out of my mouth almost word for word to her; “Accidents of a man who didn’t know himself. A wanderer in the wasteland, searching for something that would take away the pain. God-substitutes. Because whatever Isaiah meant, it didn’t work for me. If I weren’t addicted to distraction, I’d probably spend my life crying.” But I do still lament…
I’m exhausted by the recognition of the pain I’ve caused, to others, and to myself. We pray for “eyes that see and ears that hear”, and I guess it’s a good thing that we really don’t know what we’re asking for. Because once we get it, it can’t be unseen or unheard. We didn’t know it, but we were praying to be truly alive, as suggested in this quote by Jerry Sitser; “Only the dead feel no pain, and that includes dead people who, though still alive, have rejected love and goodness and sorrow for so long that they have lost the ability to feel anything”. Fifty-nine years of mostly being the living dead, watching my life happen like an outside observer. The underlying vow; “when I’m old enough, I will never allow anyone to humiliate me like that ever again.”
Forty-four years in various churches and movements. Well meaning people try to fix you with superficial theological conclusions, but when that fails, they marginalize you and quietly push you out, because your presence is a challenge to their theological conclusions. “Don’t you know you’re a new creation in Christ Jesus?!” But God does not abandon us. Healing from complex trauma is life long. The darkness and the light coexist in you…and I believe the suffering is what breeds empathy and compassion for others. I’ve come to believe that it doesn’t truly happen any other way, and that I shouldn’t have been surprised, when I decided to follow the way of a man that led Him to a bloody cross.
Surely goodness and love will pursue me, all the days of my life (because it has to!), and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for length of days…
I’m so grateful for everyone’s comments and that this forum exists…if I could take a shot at what His call means for me…to try and make sure that all the others, and we are many, who have lived like this know there is another Way…
A dear friend and colleague of mine is in the final stages of finishing a book on exactly this kind of religious trauma. You might want to talk with him. He’s in the Phoeniz area. If you’d like to get in touch, let me know and I will see what I can do to arrange an introduction. I assure you he knows your story personally.
Skip
It would be very interesting to speak with him Skip. Let me know how we can connect.
OK, I will find out
Skip, please keep me in the loop on information about his book. Since our whole family has experienced this it would be an interesting read. Kaitlynn has also dealt with this issue in her counseling of clients in her practice.
Yes, I will.