Coping Skills (rewind)
But his mother said to him, “Your curse be on me, my son; only obey my voice, and go, get them for me.” Genesis 27:13 NASB 1995
Your curse – “Listen to me,” she said. Actually, it’s more like, “Listen to the sound of my making.” She continues, “If anything disastrous happens, then let it affect me. I will pay for the consequences. Just do what I say now. Go, and get what I need.”
And Rebecca does bear the consequences, doesn’t she? Esau wants to kill Jacob. The family is divided physically. It has always been divided emotionally. Rebecca never sees her beloved son again. Her husband suffers as well, trying to save face and ending up the victim of his older son’s revenge. And Jacob? His life becomes a torment of being manipulated by the brother of his mother. No protection there! He is thrust into an “every man for himself” world. And even when he finally emerges, his own family experiences the same emotional trauma. In the end, he also has to deal with blessings and curses. Rebecca might have declared that she would bear it all, but it doesn’t work that way, does it?
“Your curse be on me,” she says. But clearly the curse wasn’t hers. It was Jacob’s. qillotka—the curse that you will have to bear because of what we are going to do. It’s important that we understand the basic meaning of qĕ lālâ (curse). Our culture views curses as proclamations of catastrophe, sometimes accompanied by guilt. We focus on the emotional and physical outcomes for the individual. If you are cursed, something very bad will happen to you. But this isn’t the fundamental Hebrew idea. The Hebrew idea of qĕ lālâ is social. It is a statement that the person will be considered of lower status by others. He will lose his standing. He will be disgraced. TWOT notes: “The noun qĕ lālâ represents a formula expressing lowering from election. Thus, when informed of Rebekah’s scheme, Jacob fears he will bring a qĕ lālâ‘a curse’—removed from the blessing of election—upon himself (see Gen 27:11–12; also especially Jer 24:9).”[1] Interestingly, Jacob’s fear of losing the blessing is an anticipation since at this point he doesn’t even have the blessing. He is projecting the results of the scheme. Even if it works, he risks reprisal in terms of family dynamics (and possibly with God as well). So Rebecca attempts to assure him that she will take the blame and the loss of status.
Now we can investigate this ethical dilemma. Why is Jacob concerned? Because his family is filled with conditional acceptance.
“The greatest cause of distress in humankind lies in the act of comparison, which is the root of conditional acceptance. Conditional acceptance implies expectations that have to be managed. Conditional acceptance requires us to conform to the expectations of others or risk being ostracized, and feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘not part of’. The subsequent sense of isolation equals pain and so we tend to disconnect from that section of the self, creating instead an artificial, smiling, coping face that we show the world.”[2]
Jacob learns coping skills from his mother—the rational control of emotional trauma through manipulation of circumstances and others. His mother teaches him to be an opportunist. If we pay attention to her own story, we see the same motivation. “Get it while you can.” This is a way of dealing with the absence of unconditional affirmation, and it is a way that Jacob hones to a razor’s edge. Until he comes to the brook. At the brook he is faced with his addiction to control. His coping skills fail him completely. All of those family dysfunctional dynamics return in an onslaught of memories—memories of loss. Mother is no longer there to take the blame. Actually, she never was. Now what will he do? Whose voice will he obey when he can no longer fight?
Topical Index: Rebecca, Jacob, qillotka, qĕ lālâ, curse, Genesis 27:13
[1] Coppes, L. J. (1999). 2028 קָלַל. In R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke (Eds.), Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament (R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke, Ed.) (electronic ed.) (800). Chicago: Moody Press.
[2] J. Steenkamp, SHIP: The Age-Old Art of Facilitating Healing, p. 5
