Coping Skills
But his mother said to him, “Your curse be on me, my son; only obey my voice, and go, get them for me.” Genesis 27:13 NASB
Your curse – “Listen to me,” she said. Actually, it’s more like, “Listen to the sound of my making.” She continues, “If anything disastrous happens, then let it affect me. I will pay for the consequences. Just do what I say now. Go, and get what I need.”
And Rebecca does bear the consequences, doesn’t she? Esau wants to kill Jacob. The family is divided physically. It has always been divided emotionally. Rebecca never sees her beloved son again. Her husband suffers as well, trying to save face and ending up the victim of his older son’s revenge. And Jacob? His life becomes a torment of being manipulated by the brother of his mother. No protection there! He is thrust into an “every man for himself” world. And even when he finally emerges, his own family experiences the same emotional trauma. In the end, he also has to deal with blessings and curses. Rebecca might have declared that she would bear it all, but it doesn’t work that way, does it?
“Your curse be on me,” she says. But clearly the curse wasn’t hers. It was Jacob’s. qillotka—the curse that you will have to bear because of what we are going to do. It’s important that we understand the basic meaning of qĕ lālâ (curse). Our culture views curses as proclamations of catastrophe, sometimes accompanied by guilt. We focus on the emotional and physical outcomes for the individual. If you are cursed, something very bad will happen to you. But this isn’t the fundamental Hebrew idea. The Hebrew idea of qĕ lālâ is social. It is a statement that the person will be considered of lower status by others. He will lose his standing. He will be disgraced. TWOT notes: “The noun qĕ lālâ represents a formula expressing lowering from election. Thus, when informed of Rebekah’s scheme, Jacob fears he will bring a qĕ lālâ ‘a curse’—removed from the blessing of election—upon himself (see Gen 27:11–12; also especially Jer 24:9).”[1] Interestingly, Jacob’s fear of losing the blessing is an anticipation since at this point he doesn’t even have the blessing. He is projecting the results of the scheme. Even if it works, he risks reprisal in terms of family dynamics (and possibly with God as well). So Rebecca attempts to assure him that she will take the blame and the loss of status.
Now we can investigate this ethical dilemma. Why is Jacob concerned? Because his family is filled with conditional acceptance.
“The greatest cause of distress in humankind lies in the act of comparison, which is the root of conditional acceptance. Conditional acceptance implies expectations that have to be managed. Conditional acceptance requires us to conform to the expectations of others or risk being ostracized, and feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘not part of’. The subsequent sense of isolation equals pain and so we tend to disconnect from that section of the self, creating instead an artificial, smiling, coping face that we show the world.”[2]
Jacob learns coping skills from his mother—the rational control of emotional trauma through manipulation of circumstances and others. His mother teaches him to be an opportunist. If we pay attention to her own story, we see the same motivation. “Get it while you can.” This is a way of dealing with the absence of unconditional affirmation, and it is a way that Jacob hones to a razor’s edge. Until he comes to the brook. At the brook he is faced with his addiction to control. His coping skills fail him completely. All of those family dysfunctional dynamics return in an onslaught of memories—memories of loss. Mother is no longer there to take the blame. Actually, she never was. Now what will he do? Whose voice will he obey when he can no longer fight?
Topical Index: Rebecca, Jacob, qillotka, qĕ lālâ, curse, Genesis 27:13
[1] Coppes, L. J. (1999). 2028 קָלַל. In R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke (Eds.), Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament (R. L. Harris, G. L. Archer, Jr. & B. K. Waltke, Ed.) (electronic ed.) (800). Chicago: Moody Press.
[2] J. Steenkamp, SHIP: The Age-Old Art of Facilitating Healing, p. 5
There are many dysfunctional family Dynamics throughout the scriptures of godly people. Jacob’s case he struggles with who is and who he was meant to be. He fights with a being stronger than he is and he has struck in the hip leaving him with a life-long limp. Reminding him he had to give up due to his struggle being with God yet he knows that there is s a blessing for him. And he listens to that voice. He calls the blessing to be given then his name is changed to Israel a prince with God. We in like manner struggle with our desires of placement . Saying what will people think of me? I would make my closing comment this… This is a non example of our righteousness given up for his righteousness. Firstly placement to Kingdom placement .
Last night….. Earthly placement to Kingdom placement. What do you think?
Hello again as I think of this. It would be a parent’s job not to prepare the road for the child but prepare the child for the road. I love God above all else and worship him only.
The conditioning of acceptance amongst us seems to be the hopelessness of humanity in desiring to be created & made in the other relationally because we forgot Who made us & how that relationship makes us real. Sadly the results of forgetting our Maker seem to be a greater freedom to the bondage of the art of learning to lie because of fear that no one will touch us with acceptance and makes us real. Perhaps in the world of the things unseen; our human conditional acceptance gives the unseen a property of selfhood and existence even if fabricated by our passing whims of judgment compared to that which does not change or have a shadow of turning. Perhaps human conditional acceptance is like the catalyst of a chemical reaction with a separate life than of those involved who don’t perceive it at work, even as it changes them. Perhaps it is not of Adonai.
Curse: “lowering from election”. Webster’s definition: “vilification of the blessing”. A villain was considered a person of lower status in European society. The original villains did not actually own land, but instead the land owned them: they followed the land and were ‘inheritable’ along with it. We define a villain today as someone who has broken the rules of society: in other words, people make themselves villains. I find stuff like this interesting.
We were created to be in community, which is why we are tuned to its frequency. Unfortunately, in a disfunctional community (like secular society, say) that directly translates into behavior that puts man above God. This is why only the true Body is a safe community to look for our identity in. Only in true community will we see ourselves in ways that help us adjust correctly, but the trick is to know HOW to find and stay in that place when it comes to our identity. Otherwise, we are just going to end up trying to adjust to the Joneses down the street by default, and we all know the sad results of that competition.
How do we know, then, if a community is disfunctional? Well, I have decided that if there is pressure to compete you have disfunction, for in nature nothing really competes by our understanding of that term. Likewise, in true community, as in a body, all work together, and there is a unique function and place for each and all. In such a community, to be “lowered from election” as in Jacob’s ousting from his family core, directly exposes them to the competitive disfunctional community of the world. Paul had a colorful way to put it: he said to “turn them over to Satan” for a while. In other words, the community cut off its function from the person, and did not accept their function, either, unless and until they figured out how they were being out of order and adjusted back.
I think Jacob had to eat the fruit of his pitting himself against God when it came to his attempt to ‘manage’ his own blessing, which was a profound mistrust in God! It was only after he quit ducking sideways and directly confronted his brother that he ended up in the only place to make another choice. My bottom also was in the same place that I ‘left the camp’, so to speak. I turned around (teshuva) and in that place I could see the problem. A return to election – to full communal function – is only possible at the same place you lost it. My mama called it “facing the music”.