The Cost of Leadership
And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You have laid the burden of all this people on me? Numbers 11:11 NASB
Burden– For this investigation, we need to read the whole account:
“Now Moses heard the people weeping throughout their families, each man at the doorway of his tent; and the anger of the Lord was kindled greatly, and Moses was displeased. So Moses said to the Lord, “Why have You been so hard on Your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You have laid the burden of all this people on me? Was it I who conceived all this people? Was it I who brought them forth, that You should say to me, ‘Carry them in your bosom as a nurse carries a nursing infant, to the land which You swore to their fathers’? Where am I to get meat to give to all this people? For they weep before me, saying, ‘Give us meat that we may eat!’ I alone am not able to carry all this people, because it is too burdensome for me. So if You are going to deal thus with me, please kill me at once, if I have found favor in Your sight, and do not let me see my wretchedness.”[1]
Moses is done! He just can’t meet the demands of the people, but he still feels the obligation. Furthermore, God has not answered. Unlike his experience in Egypt, Moses’ pleas bring no relief, his words carry no divine intervention. As far as he is concerned, God has left him out to dry. The imagery is potent.
“It is worth noting that, in Hebrew, his questions are more physically focused and pungent than in English translation. Literally, he asks, ‘Was I impregnated with this people, did I give birth to them?’ A note of scorn disturbs his questions; even his repeated reference to ‘this people’ betrays a tonal change from his earlier rhetoric of solidarity with them. (In the Golden Calf narrative, he repeatedly referred to them as ‘Your people’ and identified his fate with theirs [Exod. 32:32].)”[2]
“The moment when this complex sense of things comes to the surface is when he cries out to God: ‘If this is how You deal with me, then kill me rather, I beg You, and let me not see my evil! (Num. 11:15). This literal translation conveys the mystery of Moses’ prayer. He asks for death, to avoid further witnessing of his evil. He asks to die, so as not to endure further experience of disappointment. But ‘my evil’ raises questions: does he mean ‘the evil done to me’? Or ‘the evil that I do’?”[3]
There is a time when the burden of birthing—an idea, a company, a troop, a cause—overwhelms. When it is all just too much to carry. When the God who set us on this path no longer shows His hand, no longer answers our plea. When we are confronted with the inevitability of failing, or disappointment in trying. In that moment, it is possible that “the evil done to me” is mingled with “the evil that I do” and the consequence is the desire to exit.
It is possible that the complaint directed toward heaven is an objection that God isn’t doing what He said (what we wanted). “Just let me end. Why should I go on like this, constantly oppressed by obligations I did not seek?” If Moses, the greatest leader of Israel, reaches a point where he would rather die than continue to be in charge of the project, are we not likely to come to the same place? Are we not likely to ask for a discharge of duty, to cast aside the assignment given to us and yearn for extinction? Perhaps the iconic Moses, the striking figure of power and confidence, isn’t really the Moses of Scripture but rather a Hollywood construct. Perhaps once more we discover that the men and women God chooses are as flawed, exhausted, discouraged and dismayed as we are. And yet God chooses.
It seems as unfair as it is unfathomable.
Topical Index: Moses, birth, burden, Numbers 11:11
[2]Avivah Gottlieb Zornberg, Bewilderments: Reflections of the Book of Numbers, p. 80.
[3]Avivah Gottlieb Zornberg, Bewilderments: Reflections of the Book of Numbers, p. 84.
I’ve been feeling this a lot lately, just questioning this morning.Then I read your post. I think going through the birth of something the Lord is doing takes longer than 9 months! At least with physical human birth there is an end in sight. But, then again, as a parent you have to raise the child — not easy in today’s world. Thanks Skip.
Thank you once again, this snapshot of the man, Moses, is identifiable, so often I feel like a foreign object, injected rather than a part, my lack looms large. Good to see and be reminded that our heros, too are mortal.
The plight of humanity. Both for Moses, the Israelites then….and now, all of us as so aptly noted. Our Hope is for and in His Benevolent Purpose. Our Prayer to endure and Overcome.
Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost” reading for today is very much in line with today’s word. Wow! Thankful for multiple witnesses.
No question God places us in times and circumstances
that numb our senses and stretch our credulity. His Word
tells us this is normal.
Peter interjects in his writings that we shouldn’t be
surprised as God allows hardships to eventually give
birth to better times of joy and growing peace in our
relationship with Him. It’s His way.
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly
rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have
done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”
Heb 10: 35-36
Faith!!
It’s all about our faith. We cannot please God without it.
Birthing. Yes. I labor spiritually. I weep, I argue, I don’t know how bad it is going to get before the truth relieves me from an area darkened by sin. I also don’t cope well with extended pain in order to be used for God’s purposes.
Being the first to step out in faith and seek truth in a family is a labor of love and devotion I have prayed many times to be taken from me. Many days I don’t want the loss. Loss of status, security, money, reputation, a name, a community, and a legacy I had always envisioned passing down to my children. I have none of that now. My husband and I have stepped out and away from everything we knew and I will be honest, there was no send-off party for us.
I escaped with little more than the clothes on my back and now I am trying to figure out how to live in the same town and yet be detached from the history of being a part of my family of origin. Mocked, ridiculed, doubted. I labor in my new life. Many days I wonder what I will have to give to our son when the community around us seems to admire the family his mother is no longer a part of. I look bad, the Lord calls me to silence. I am mocked, He does not allow me to defend myself. I wonder if I will ever get a Genesis 50:20-21 moment?
Then I shudder. “In that moment, it is possible that ‘the evil done to me’ is mingled with ‘the evil that I do’ and the consequence is the desire to exist.” I know that familiar spirit of the desire to not exist. It has been with me since I was a little girl. As I grow the evil done and the evil I do, my wretchedness, mingles and I find myself lamenting in a way similar to Moses. I no longer recognize Moses, the powerful and confident. I cannot understand him. I do understand struggle, pain, exhaustion, discouragement, and dismay. I hear his cries to Heaven and recognize my own voice in them.
But as you wrote, “And yet God chooses.”
Okay, Lord. Here I am. Keep sending me.
It’s good to see our own struggles in scripture, but in proportion. How do my stresses compare to Moses’? He HAD to be a striking figure of faith to do 1% of what he did. After all, Moses PUBLISHED his own faults and struggles, as did King David. Unless, of course, we subscribe to the idea that years later scribes wrote down rumors passed down through generations.
David and Moses faced trials and temptations in ways we can scarcely imagine – and both made sure to leave a record of their faults behind. Wow. Imagine doing such amazing things,… then writing, or having the scribe skip over some good stuff in order to leave room for your most shameful deeds.
I’ve turned down certain temptations out of fear of being caught or from a lack of real opportunity, but is that any kind of virtue? Even with Bathsheba, I’m sure David did less than the kings around him (and wouldn’t it be easy for him to himself to his peers?). Kings were known as rightfully having power over life and death. He rode a boat-full of testosterone that we might scarcely imagine, he had all power, and a record of virtue to balance the scales. Yet, when he was faced with his sin – he, and likely Solomon and others after him – preserved a public confession of these sins for the entire world to dissect, ponder, and judge.
These “shortcomings” are recorded for a reason – but I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say these men were one in 1 billion, or more.
Perhaps when Peter walked on the water, he was fine until he glanced back to see if the ones in the boat were watching? It is for sure that he took his focus off the source of his experience at the point he started sinking. Perhaps he fell for the illusion that it was ‘up to him’ so therefore there was some bit of glory that had his name on it. However, in the instant we think it is really us who are (seemingly) accomplishing XYZ, I think God honors that thought by really leaving us to our own resources: at that point, it really does become up to us. I wonder if Moses, too, was beginning to think that it was ‘all up to him’ for the same reason? If so, perhaps he started to sink with no help on the horizon because he, too, was looking away from the only horizon that contained the source of that help?
Really enjoyed your comments here Laurita.
Peter was such a character. I’m sure Jesus knew when he called him that he would have his hands full! I love the picture you drew of Peter looking back to see if the others were acknowledging that he was walking on the water. Maybe he was doing a little jig before he started to sink ? It was also Peter who made the suggestion to build three Tabernacle’s during the transfiguration. His bravado also in regards to never denying Christ…. amazing picture of God’s grace and power to transform !
Certainly gives me hope today in simply by difficulty submitting to the Lord. Hallelujah.