On Intensity
I recently had a conversation with a long time friend, catching up with our individual lives over some months. While the general themes seem to stay the same, we both were in the midst of new relationships, a subject of considerable interest.
As I talked about the thrill that I was feeling, the energy that I was pouring into this new development, the sense of well being and excitement it was providing me, I was aware of a certain hesitancy on the other end of the phone line. It is our habit, established over many years, to act as the amateur psychotherapist for each other, and in this case, she was more than happy to oblige. She began her response to my enthusiasm with a general discussion of the temporary nature of such feelings. This was followed by comments like, “You are one of those people who are so intense that you want to know someone right away. You go after the relationship. But life isn’t like that. It is slow and you need to take time. You’re rushing too much.”
She talked about her own new relationship, that it was still holding her interest after some months, but just barely. When I asked how much time she spent with this new gentleman, she admitted that they both traveled for work, they dated infrequently and enjoyed the company but that she was not ready to make any commitment.
After we hung up, I was disturbed. On reflection, I think I see why.
After many years of unsuccessful relationships, I now recognize that at least part of the failure of those previous unions came about because I did not make them intense. The more that I let other things in my life dictate the pace and priority, the less I invested in the other person. Inevitably, the ardor cooled and I found myself asking whether or not there really was something missing. I now see that what was missing was me. I was someplace else.
Of course, in defense I can truthfully say that my previous long-term partners were following the same behavior patterns. Whether work or family, church or community, something else always came first. And when something else comes first, everything else is no better than second. The result is that relationships that began with fire are soon coals. But I do not believe it is because there was essentially something wrong with the fire – that it burned too hot, that the fuel was consumed, that oxygen was sucked out of the air. I believe that the fire subsided because both partners, consciously or not, chose to let it subside. Bookstore shelves are filled with advice on how to get the fire back, so I am not the only one who holds this belief. But, my observations lead me to the sad conclusion that nearly everyone I know holds the belief as a nearly impossible “hope”, not as a present and joyful reality.
My friend has been without a permanent partner for seventeen years. While she has come close once or twice, nothing finally tipped the scales toward enduring. However, you would never draw that conclusion about her career. It has been carefully orchestrated in a series of aggressive moves to bring her to the top of the ladder. She has put in the hours, done the work, stayed the course, and now she has the rewards – a prestigious job with a worldwide company. Only one thing is missing. She is lonely.
You see, she is not less intense than I am. It’s just that her intensity is focused in another direction – in controlling and gaining power. So, the rewards that she has fill both sides of the ledger – she has lots of corporate power, and an empty life at home. And that’s because there is no room in her intensity for a competitor. Career is her focus. She proves that intensity absolutely works. Vice President titles do not come to sluggards. But when it comes to men, she is uniquely myopic. Somehow she has come to believe that she should have the same high reward relationship without having to apply the same focused intensity. She believes that because she is successful in one area, she should “inherit” success in another. We all know the truth about this, even if we don’t want to think about it too much. If we are intense about our partners, we will find them wonderfully rewarding. If we skate along, putting our efforts somewhere else, we will have mediocre marriages or worse.
So why did she suggest that my intensity was misplaced? This is the real tragedy. She has given up thinking that it can happen to her. She is no longer willing to go for the gusto with some potential mate. And as a result she gets “slow” and “barely interesting”.
I am convinced that all out abandonment to another person virtually guarantees head over heels romance. Not at the beginning, but every day. Provided that every day the focus is on “how can I make this exciting, loving, pleasing?” Why do I send flowers often, cards daily, and call frequently? Why do I shower her with admiration, caresses and surprises? Why am I constantly seeking some new way to express my feeling toward her? Because she rewards every one of these efforts with an intensity of her own. We feed each other on the substance of love. Why should we slow down? What is the benefit of having less?
As I get to know her better and better, I find that my intensity over her grows. Finally, I have made a decision to make this relationship “the absolute priority” – and I have not regretted a single minute. I believe that any two people who have some degree of mutual chemistry can make a love life of lasting excitement if they will commit to only one thing – intensity about each other to the exclusion of all other interference. We were built to enjoy each other. What we do to prevent that enjoyment is move our attention from the object of our affection to the demands of the world, and we are ensnared into believing that somehow that other special person will understand all the hours away, all the interruptions, all the misdirected affection. But we never do, do we?
A little reflection on this fact of love suddenly illuminates something else. Intensity is exactly what my relationship with God should be all about. Do you suppose God wants me to have a relationship with Him that is based on “slow” and “barely interesting”? GOD WANTS ADVENTURE, EXCITEMENT, HEART-POUNDING THRILLS! In a word “intensity”! And intensity with God comes the same way – time and energy commitments that give no second-options. God is ready, willing and able.
But most of us aren’t. We want to inherit a relationship without having to put in the hours and the energy. Why? Because we have so many other things to do in life. So many things that seem so much more important. Until we sit at home alone.
Marriage should be intense. It’s supposed to be that way. It’s the deliberate symbol of God’s relationship with each of us. And that must be intense or it just doesn’t make it. Most of us have marriages that reflect the kind of relationship with have with God – convenient, routine and barely interesting. Certainly not ecstatic. Not wild. Not joyful.
But why not? Isn’t that what we really want?
