An Epidemic of Loneliness
My friend, Soo-Inn Tan, from Singapore, writes a weekly post. Today’s edition had something very important to say to all of us who understand the liberty and renewal of Jesus. The results of the studies that he cites only tell us just how terrible it is to be one of the lost. He says:
I have long suspected that, given enough time, empirical science will come
to conclusions that were always taught by Scripture. Take the following
report for example:
In 1985, when researchers asked a cross-section of the American people,
“How many confidants do you have?” the most common response to the
answer was three. In 2004, when researchers asked again, the most
common response — made by twenty-five percent of the respondents —
was none. One quarter of these twenty-first century Americans said they had
no one at all with whom to talk with openly and intimately.
Also published in 2004, a joint study by the World Health Organization and
researchers of Harvard University found that almost ten percent of
Americans suffer from depression or bipolar disorder. They also found that
binge eating and drinking are up, and that our children are medicated for
depression and attention deficit disorder to an alarming degree. (John T.
Cacioppo & William Patrick, Loneliness, New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Co.,
2008, 247.)
Cacioppo is a professor at the University of Chicago and Patrick, a former
science editor at the Harvard University Press. Their book, Loneliness, is the
product of twenty years of research by Cacioppo. I thought the bible stated
their conclusions more succinctly: “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
(Genesis 2:18a NLT)
We have always suspected that loneliness is not good for us. Now we have
empirical evidence of the destructive effects of loneliness.
(Cacioppo’s) sophisticated studies relying on brain imaging, analysis of
blood pressure, immune response, stress hormones, behaviour, and even
gene expression show that human beings are simply far more intertwined
and interdependent — physiologically as well as psychologically — than our
cultural assumptions have ever allowed us to acknowledge. Bringing urgency
to the message, Cacioppo’s findings also show that prolonged loneliness can
be as harmful to your health as smoking and obesity. (From the front flap of
the dust jacket, Loneliness.)
You are not worried because you have many friends on Facebook? Doesn’t
count. Facebook may actually take you away from the life-giving connections
you need. Here is a report from the BBC:
People’s health could be harmed by social networking sites because they
reduce the level of face-to-face contact, an expert claims. Dr Aric Sigman
says websites such as Facebook set out to enrich social lives, but end up
keeping people apart … He also says that evidence suggests that a lack of
face-to-face networking could alter the way genes work, upset immune
responses, hormone levels, the function of arteries, and influence mental
performance. This, he claims, could increase the risk of health problems as
serious as cancer, strokes, heart disease, and dementia. (“Online networking
harms health,'” BBC News/UK, 19 February 2009)
Cacioppo and Patrick concur:
… face-to-face encounters in real life allow us to communicate through
even more subliminal cues — body chemistry, body language, action
semantics, mimicry — in addition to word and gestures. Once again, the
mind that seeks to connect is first about the body, and leaving the body
behind can make human connections less satisfying. (Loneliness, 259)
Again, empirical science confirms what the bible has maintained all along —
that there is a level of human intercourse that is only possible when we are
face-to face.
I have much more to say to you, but I don’t want to do it with paper and
ink. For I hope to visit you soon and talk with you face to face. Then our joy
will be complete. (2 John 1:12 NLT)
Human beings are embodied beings. Fully human interaction is embodied
interaction. As John Stott reminds us, “A human being might be defined from
a biblical perspective as a body-soul-in-a-community'” (Issues Facing
Christians Today, London, UK: Marshall Pickering, 1990, 19). We need our
friends and we need to meet up with them face to face.
With all the wisdom of the Scriptures at our disposable, you would expect
the church to be at the forefront of the fight against the crippling effects of
loneliness.
Unfortunately the church can be as lonely as the world. The primary meeting
for most churches is Sunday morning worship. Depending on your tradition,
Sunday morning worship is either school or theatre with minimal face to face
communication. It is usually face to back communication, a group of
believers having their own privatised communion with God, who just happen
to be in the same physical space.
Ironically we often look to the number of people at Sunday worship as the
main indicator of whether a church is doing well. It is assumed that the
bigger the number, the healthier the church. I wonder. Maybe we need other
indicators of church health. We need to see to what degree church members
are sharing their lives. Here is an observation from Hugh Halter and Matt
Smay:
When working with existing churches, we start with the assumption that
even if people are in a small group or Bible study, they rarely see those
people outside of those 90-minute get-togethers… (But) I’ve concluded that,
almost without exception, relationships are formed, important dialogue and
conversation begin, and powerful moments of ministry occur during
spontaneous, unplanned moments while we are sharing our lives together.
(The Tangible Kingdom, San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2008,161)
The world is slowly, literally, dying of loneliness. The church, followers of the
triune God, has the power to help people connect, both to God and to other
people. Instead we live the same frenetic, busy, lonely lives as those we are
called to reach. Fortunately, the way back may be just as simple as having a
few friends over for dinner, and “wasting time” sharing your lives as you
share your food. Revolutions have been known to start this way.
Amen!!!
The real indicator of the health of the body of Messiah is the extent that we share each others lives!
Relationship: First with God & then with others – how else do we spread the Good News???
Ms. Jan Carver
Skip,
Thank you for forwarding this email.
When iPods first came out I called them “The Great Separators.” Just look at a group of kids who use them, they rarely talk or even look at each other. Some progress!
I have never had an ipod in my ear(s) – where I work all the young people & some older people work with them going in their ears. I myself could not concentrate on my work with music going in my ears – especially music with words – I would be concentrating on the words & music instead of my work/what I am doing. Besides – the hearing loss that this generation is going to experience will be devastating in years to come.
Imagine the consequences of text messages. Everything necessary to say in 140 characters. Nothing important except the facts, please.
Thank you Skip. Yes. when my daughter turned 8, someone outside my authority gave her a GAMEBOY game. I hated it because it would cause her (an only child anyway) to play alone, and eventually ‘want’ to play alone anyway. So different from the way I grew up, with 2 sisters, plenty of playmates, and no electronic games in my home that you could do ALONE.
God did not intend for us to function well when apart from the Community. Praise the Lord that He put my family in a fellowship almost 4 years ago now that actually functions very much like a family– mishpocha in Hebrew. We were about 40 members 3 years ago, and word has spread, and now we are about 100… so my prayer is that we remain SMALL in our worship and hearts–close to one another, and helping each other in all that we do.
Thank you for sharing this article, Skip. I have a daughter into the Facebook community and I continue to stress the point with her that she needs face to face activity. Just like it is to be a face to face meeting with Christ in our daily walk, it is to be the same with each other.
And one more thing, I for one am in a bible study group that never really stops to pray for one another and we never speak outside the one time a week meeting…just like stated in the article.
Kelly
Everything in moderation – I just reconnected with a dear sister in the Lord through FaceBook that I had lost touch with & we ended up talking on the phone & me recommending several job opportunities for her & her husband in the Springfield, MO area – so God can definitely use all things to His glory for sure…. 🙂
Ms. Jan Carver
amen Jan! everything in moderation. and with the leading of the Ruach Hakodesh!! I have been able to witness to people on facebook, I have been able to be a living testimony on facebook… and throw out an open hand of friendship and love, that some people have reached for and asked me about the hope I have…
It is truly sad to be in a “fellowship”, but not have fellowship. Without going into all the gorey details, I am identifying with the feelings of loneliness expressed in the article, however, I view my situation as the result of a changed perspective. I do not see the church I am in membership with as operating according to the Scriptures…from its government to its Christian “education”. Our current pastor places a high priority on the Scriptures, however, there is a tremendous historical carryover of lack of love for God’s Word in the majority of the church’s ministries.
I must be very cautious…I have a tendancy to become critical…I battle with this constantly and I know this is not pleasing to the Father.
I have attempted on several occasions to have Bible studies…at the church, my home, but there seems to be a general lack of dedication, and the attendance fades. The Bible studies also have not fit the recognized mold for Pentecostal/Charismania. I have spoken with my pastor concerning this issue for several years now and although I am quite involved in several areas of ministry, I must confess, I long for someone to pour my heart out to…God with skin on. I am not the traditional Martha…I would much rather sit at the feet of Jesus, talk to a brother/sister about what God is doing in our lives than go to a jewelry party or a shopping excursion. I “feel” as though I am a misfit where I am and have felt this way for several years. I do know this much, God IS and He KNOWS…that brings me comfort.
Breathing For Him
Victoria Boyson
http://www.boyson.org
“Because I live, you will live also” John 14:19.
My mother passed away when I was just barely sixteen years old. She and my little brother were killed in a car accident. Shortly after their deaths, my older brother, who was eighteen, left our home to move out and live on his own. Soon after he left, my father left to take a job in another city. I stayed in our hometown to finish high school. Consequently, at sixteen I was living alone.
During these years, I experienced times of emptiness, loneliness and vulnerability, coming home to an empty house knowing there would not be anyone else but me there. I used to pretend that I had a family, but they were all sleeping.
The loneliness that filled me is difficult to describe. It led to thoughts of life’s futility. Depression tried hard to creep into my soul. I began to question my purpose. “Why was I still here?” – “Why was I left alone?” – “Did anyone really care that I lived?”
When I left my hometown to attend college in another state, I knew there was no one who would really miss me. Although that memory seems like an unhappy one now, I can tell you that it honestly wasn’t for me then. It wasn’t unhappy for me because I knew that God would be coming with me. We were in this journey together and even though I was alone, I would never be lonely because He was with me.
You see, during this lonely time as my heart longed to belong to someone, I was found by Someone who has never left me. Yes, Jesus found me in my loneliness and became more to me than life. He became my purpose for living.
Alone in my home as a young woman, I danced, worshiped and rejoiced with Him. I fell deeply in love with my heavenly Father. He became my father, mother, sister, brother and friend – always loving, never leaving. He was the reason I kept breathing. He alone turned my mourning into dancing. He turned my loneliness around and gave me His joy, a joy that knew no bounds. It was an unspeakable joy, full of His glory.
My heavenly Father gave me His breath to breathe. And for Him, I wanted to breathe more deeply of His life and live to love Him. Because I loved Him, I wanted to live my life for Him and make every breath be my worship to Him
I loved Him so much and no matter what it took, I wanted to be His little girl. I didn’t feel like I belonged to anyone on earth, yet I belonged to Him – the King of Heaven – THE Almighty God. For all eternity I would be His and He offered Himself to be mine – MY FATHER! He belonged to me and I belonged to Him. He promised to never leave me or betray me. Because He loved me, I felt like the richest girl in the world. I would never be lonely again.
What are we breathing for?
Recently, my son’s best friend was killed in a tragic car accident and the sudden loss of this 18-year-old boy, who’d only begun to live, stunned everyone. Shaken by his death, as he was so young and full of life, left me searching for the purpose of life all over again. I also knew that my son was struggling with the same feelings of emptiness I’d felt at his age when I lost my family.
Shortly after the accident, a friend asked me how we were doing. The words came out of my mouth, “We just keep breathing.” Instantly my friend understood. Yes, life goes on one breath at a time.
We keep breathing, but what are we breathing for? Who are we breathing for? If it’s our friends, family, church or even ourselves, then we are building our lives on unstable ground. There’s only one reason to breathe – only one reason to live. That reason is our love for God. He’s the reason we breathe. He is our ONE and only source. He is the life we live.
We can still experience loneliness even when surrounded by people, in the midst of business as usual, because what we’re truly longing for is oneness with our Creator. We can have everything this world offers yet feel incomplete. On the other hand, we can lack everything this world tells us we need to be fulfilled and still be completely fulfilled in Christ.
The God of the universe is offering Himself to you, to complete you. He wants to be more than a law, more than a rule, even more than your Savior; He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants to be everything to you, to make you complete in Him. He wants more than to love you from a distance. He wants to hold you when you’re sad, rejoice when you’re victorious and walk through life’s journey with you.
Your heavenly Father is offering Himself to you to be your everything – to belong to you and you to Him. But the choice is yours to make. He will never turn away from you, and you could never run so far from Him that He would not still be waiting for you and reaching to you with outstretched arms.
Indeed, He waits in hopeful anticipation to run to you at the first step you make to turn toward Him. He is waiting to run to you and grab you and embrace you for all eternity. The Almighty of heaven and earth wants you! He loves you! You are His beloved – what He desires more than anything else.
Embracing His Love
In the spirit, God took me on a tour of His home in heaven and showed me an enormous hallway filled with pictures of His children. I could not see the end or the beginning of the wall He showed me, it was higher than I could see and was literally filled with pictures. That’s all it was used for, just for pictures of His children.
As He showed me the wall, I thought He would be proud to show it off to me, but He was sad too. He was sad as He said, “I have so many children, but they won’t let me get close to them. They won’t let me be a part of their lives. They will not let me touch them, all I can do is put their pictures on this wall and look at them.”
As my son dealt with the trauma of losing his friend in such a tragic way, I saw emptiness try to settle in his heart and I tried to help him. I love my son; he and I are very close. At sixteen, he still leans on me a great deal. As much as I want to give him everything he needs, I’ll never be able to, nor can any other person. His heavenly Father alone can fill the emptiness he feels now. No one but God can love him the way he needs to be loved or can truly understand his heart. God alone knows his thoughts and understands him completely.
My heart’s prayer for you is for your Daddy God to be ALL that you need. Indeed, with God as your source, friends may leave, people may abandon or betray you, but you will NOT be shaken for your strength is not found in people but in Him. God loves you more truly and completely than any one on earth can ever love you. Embracing His love will give you tremendous power to stand against life’s tragedies and become all that God has destined for you to become.
He loves you that much and He wants to be everything to you. He wants to love you when no one else does. He wants to stand by you when everyone else turns away. He will be your family when you have none of your own. He will restore your soul, lighten your load and fill you with His joy.
You have only to turn to Him and give yourselves to Him, body, soul and spirit – to lay down your life, your longings and desires and give Him your every breath. And with every breath you breathe, you will be declaring your love for Him.
When all you can do is breathe – keep breathing!