Elective Surgery
Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me, and know my thoughts Psalm 139:23
Search – Unless you’re crazy or a fanatic, you won’t repeat David’s plea without a great deal of hesitation. This is no casual request. Do you really want God to search your heart? Do you really want Him to turn over every rock, examine every tiny detail, look into every closet? The very idea brings many to sheer panic. Of course, we already know that God knows it all. But most of the time, we deny the reality of His knowledge. We pretend that our secrets are safely tucked away – until we meet someone like David.
David is crazy. Imagine a man who is guilty of immense pride (resulting in the death of thousands), sloth (staying home from battles), adultery, deceit, murder and cover-up – imagine a man like this asking God to search his heart. Don’t you think David had some idea what God would find? Don’t you think he spent night after night weeping over his sins, afraid to look in the reflecting pool for fear that he would see a man condemned by his own lusts? If the Psalms are any indication of the inner agony that haunted David in his worst hours, then we know that he was a man who experienced tremendous emotional pain. Why would a man like that plead for God’s surgical examination?
The Hebrew verb is haqar. It is used in military applications for scouting out enemy territory. It is used to describe seeking the truth behind something. And, of course, it is used here to ask God to cut open the recesses of my secret life.
Every addict knows that the power of the addiction is in the secrets. Brought to light, the power evaporates. But, oh, how painful it is to bring these humiliating secrets to the light! How much ego loss, how much deflated image must occur to bring the light on our deep, dark secrets? Once, David was forced to confront his actions. That lesson stayed with him all of his life. Now he says, “Lord, I am submitting myself for elective surgery. You know exactly what I am like. You know precisely where I am still holding on to personal pride and sinful denial. So, Lord, cut into me. Look for any tiny indication that there is still diseased thinking and attitude. And, Lord, in Your infinite mercy, remove it from me.”
David knows it will hurt. It always does. Confession without pain is nothing more than lip service. God won’t stand for it. Neither should you. Real confession, the result of open heart divine surgery, is life-threatening. Without confession, I will die. With confession, I will also die – but the part of me that will die needs to die if the rest of me is going to live. I can’t make it if the cancer of sin stays alive in me, but taking it out feels like going to the grave along with the tumor.
My hope is that God is the perfect surgeon. That is my only hope! Don’t ever think there is another alternative. Cut deep or die.
