Measuring Stick
How long will You be angry with the prayer of Your people? Psalm 80:4
How Long – “Lord, I have reached the end. I am simply overwhelmed by the continuous demands of life. I want to be of service to others. I try to meet their requests, to offer myself as a helper. I try to balance those understandable expectations with the routines of life, the demands of family, the expectations of financial production. Each area on its own is not too much, but all together? There are not enough hours for me to work and work and work without exhausting myself. And that’s where I am, Lord. Exhausted. I know there is more to do. People have offered assistance, but each action requires more reaction. Each bit of assistance puts another layer of performance expectation on me. I can’t do it all. I can’t keep up. But there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.
Lord, you know that I want to serve You and that I have a heart for all those who have found something of value in what I do. I believe I am called to be hands and feet. I believe that You have equipped me to think, write, teach, guide – but I am falling, stumbling, crawling, grasping. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel the heaviness of those who desire to press on and who ask me for help. But I am tired – so tired. I am running out of insights, of words. Sometimes I’m just numb. That’s when I’m most vulnerable, Lord. That’s when I just want to run away.
I rode in a hot air balloon. It was so quiet, so peaceful. That’s something I miss to the depths of my soul. My life is filled with noise. Chatter. Speech. Requests. Questions. Debate. Sometimes I feel as if there isn’t one more word to be packed into my psychic space. They are all jumbled now. I don’t know if I have the strength to pick up the words and start again. I don’t know if I can re-write for the umpteenth time. I don’t know if I can think one more thought, construct one more sentence.
And all the while, the pressure of finances. The bills that never stop. The savings that is constantly drained. More and more and more – that’s the world’s answer. Work harder. Produce more. What if I can’t do any more? Then what? What if I just can’t push one more PayPal button, can’t record one more audio file, write one more paragraph. What if I just wrote what I wanted to write and stopped worrying about how to communicate it to others? Would it be valuable then? Would anyone care about me then? What if I am only valuable as long as I meet someone’s need? That seems to be the way of things, doesn’t it? You know how much I struggle with rejection. You know how scared I am of making mistakes. Where did all that come from? Not from You. I know that You don’t measure me by what I produce or how correct I am. You are my Father. You love me even if I fail. Maybe You love me because I fail. But it’s hard to keep that in mind when I feel so many demands to be something I just might not be able to be.
When can I just sit with You and feel Your presence affirming me? When can I know the joy of Your acceptance? Lord, I’m just like Asaph. How long, how long – how long will Your silence chastise me?”
The Hebrew words ‘ad matai cover temporal and spatial distances. “Until when” asks Asaph. At what distance in the future will I once again experience the grace of the Most High God? The Psalms permit us emotional theology. Emotions generate the power of pursuit. They allow us to feel our way to God. While the Greeks feared emotions because they upset the “perfect” balance model of life, the Hebrew poets understood that emotions are the passionate core of being human. They have enormous power – to be used for God or against Him. Asaph cries out from his passionate desire for God.
“Lord, we cry out to You. Hear our pleas. Feel our pain. Rescue us.” No man can read the Psalms without tears and laughter. Go ahead. Feel!
Topical Index: how long, ad matai, distance, emotional theology, Psalm 80:4
WHOA! DID YOU MISS THE ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT THE FAMILY REUNION! BETTER TAKE A LOOK. CLICK HERE.
Dear Skip,
You are starting to sound like me – just before I plunged into my burn-out and hit rockbottem.
If this is you – God is not asking You to abuse your body and mind for the sake of the communion. He wil be there helping us when you can’t. So think about taking a break – stop writing for a month, or, if necessary, for a year. Stop speaking, start listening. Take a sabbatical ;-). I stopped everything I did in my congregation in december. I thought it would collapse – but it didn’t. God kept it alive. I though I would fall in a deep pit – but I didn’t. I feel freed from a very heavy burden. ‘For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light’. Whose yoke are you carrying? Take His!
One in Christ,
Kees
Thanks Kees,
There are always elements in my life that are similar to the feelings of Asaph. I hope that by writing this in the present tense readers will be able to identify – and be freed to express their own doubts and discouragements. I am happy to report that God lifts us up, even when we have days of darkness. I wrote this somewhat autobiographical piece some time ago, and in the meanwhile, I have been encouraged once again by His love and this community. But I take your advice seriously. Over a year ago I sat on the shore of the Pacific ocean in El Salvador and wept because I was near total exhaustion. You might remember that piece – The Angels Have Waited. Isn’t that what it’s like? We push ourselves for Kingdom purposes only to become callous to our own signs of collapse. Then He enters and gives us rest. Today is Sabbath and I am enjoying a long quite day of reading and resting. Peace to you, my brother.
Yea, let’s enjoy sabbath!
Shalom
A very comforting song: (YouTube)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIY2SByd-p8
Thanks, Skip. I can identify with this. During my Army Chaplaincy days I had many such moments, days, years. He brought me through. The suggest[on of a sabatical is not a bad idea at all. Peace!
Hello Skip.
I am perhaps one of the least educated on your site, but thoght I would throw in my 2 cents.
I hear how overwhelmed you feel, and being the “helper” that you are, I’m sure you find yourself often a stranger to receving the meeting of your needs.
Years ago, I ran across a book called “Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When to Say No” by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. This book really helped me see why I felt so alone after giving and giving. I wasn’t setting the boundaires of my limits. And we also know that the more we give, the more others expect us to give. “Give until it hurts,” then try to figure out a way to stop all the hurting.
You may have already read this book, but if not, and you want to get it, here’s the site to find it:
https://www.discountbooksale.com/store/productslist.aspx?ProdID=131&ec=1&sort=11&AWTrck=1035642836&searchAuthor=Cloud+Henry&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=henry%20cloud&utm_campaign=authacc-0011&b=GGL_DBS_131_authacc_0011_797_00_*GeoUSCA*__henry%20cloud
I, like you, feel a strong desire to help others, but through all the giving, I got lost in the receiving and ended up wanting to escape from all the demands I put upon myself to be the giver. A calling it is, but if not regulated, it becomes a cry in the soul to escape from ourselves.
You obviously have a strong calling and all your faith and schooling has carried you through in flying colors.
But, there comes a time when it becomes too much. Our sabbath rest is so necessary, and I think that also means a rest from ourselves and the pressures we put on ourselves, i.e., not setting the boundaires needed to bring calmness to our hurting, hungry soul.
I truly enjoyed the gathering of the saints online this past Thursday. It opened my eyes to how alone I feel and how I need to make more connections. Some of us have too many, some of us have too few. Living alone and wishing otherwise, I feel overwhemled by all the pressures of carrying the weight alone.
I liked your giving us freedom to hunger for connection, not only with the Lord, but with each other.
Thanks for all your insights into Scripture and sharing with us. I know I need the help and the community.
God bless you and may you find the rest you need to continue on.
Thanks Ellen, I have read the book. I actually wrote something about it years ago. But it is a good reminder that Sabbath is crucial to active faith. If faith were only mental ascent, none of us would ever be exhausted from following. But Isaiah tells us we will mount up like eagles because we have “waited” on Him (that is also an action in Hebrew). So, today I get to wait. It is so nice to have peace and tranquility. The front door is locked and will not be answered.
Just one more thought. Please consider joining the Family Reunion. There are a lot of us who are alone out here and this is designed to make face-to-face a reality for all.
Good morning, Skip!
Just a note to let you know that I hear your cry, and that I am praying for you!!
In Jesus’ Love,
Helen
Yes, and I know that you know this feeling too. But as David says in Psalm 22, “He is holy.” That is the answer to all our struggles, isn’t it?
Today’s devotional by Chuck Swindoll was too good and too appropriate to “today’s word” not to reproduce here. So with (hopefully) proper (legal?) acknowlegment- here it is in it’s entirety. Enjoy!
Leave It to God
by Charles R. Swindoll
Luke 10
Philip Melanchthon and Martin Luther were once deciding on the day’s agenda. The former was disciplined, intellectually gifted, serious, and goal-driven; the latter was equally intelligent but much more emotional, risky, even playful.
Melanchthon said, “Martin, this day we will discuss the governance of the universe.”
To which Luther responded, “Philip, this day you and I will go fishing and leave governance of the universe to God.”
What wise counsel!
I love Jesus’ model of balance. He arrived on the planet with a mission more important than any soul who has drawn a breath of earth air. Yet He didn’t really get started until He turned thirty. What about all those “wasted” years? He left them to God.
There’s a great scene in Luke when a bunch of His disciples returned from their practical work project. They were all excited about their success, especially that “even the demons are subject to us in Your name.”
Ever so graciously Jesus offered this mild rebuke: “Do not rejoice . . . that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are recorded in heaven” (Luke 10:20). They felt good about themselves because they had done well. Whereas Jesus implied, “Leave all that to God . . . you have nothing to prove; you are approved. Your names are in the Book and that’s what really matters.”
I used to feel driven and drained by the never-ending demands of ministry. If folks weren’t changing, I felt responsible. If some drifted, I felt at fault. If there wasn’t continual growth, I ached as if I needed to make it happen. If a sermon failed to ring with clarity and power, I struggled all of Monday and half of Tuesday. Talk about wasted energy. I’ve learned to place those cares in the hands of One who can handle them.
Let’s declare today the day you and I give ourselves permission to relax without being afraid or feeling guilty . . . and leave the stuff we cannot handle or change to God. Is it a deal? Great! But what shall we do about the person who thinks we are slacking off too much? You guessed it. Just leave it to God!
And again,brother Skip, I love the timing of this as well- right here on the Sabbath! our “day of rest!” Today, (and everyday!) let us learn to “abide in the Vine!” (still looking for something to “do?”). Good. “Abide”. “Enter in” to the finished work of Calvary. -He is risen! Enjoy!
Carl, this is indeed perfect for the day. Thanks.
Praise His Name! -Shabbat Shalom!
Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
As Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.
Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of thy loving heart.
O how great Thy lovingkindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvelous thy goodness
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know what wealth of grace is thine,
Know thy certainty of promise
And have made it mine.
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed.
Ever lift thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ‘neath thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.
Words: Jean S. Pigott, 1876.
Music: Tranquility, James Mountain, Hymns of Consecration and Faith, 1876
Thankyou Carl, this lifts me up out of weariness of soul. Such a wonderful meditation, such reviving truth.
Bless you.l
Skip,
I can relate to the peace you felt in the hot air balloon. Many years ago, we used to take our kids snow skiing. As we rode the ski lift to the top of the mountain, the silence took on a quality that I had never experienced before. It seemed that the snow must have ‘absorbed’ all of the sound. It was silent and beautiful and holy, all beyond my ability to describe it. Also, I realized that it was more powerful than my (previous) fear of heights. Just remembering it fills me with awe.
At one time, I felt that I was living on the edge of emptiness. I had given all I had to give, and there was nothing in return for me. In that desperation, the only sustenance I found was in the Word. It came about that I began to read the book of Psalms. One psalm each day for a week, out loud. A few times, I had to sit in my car to find a private place to do this. I am convinced that this practice led to the healing and wholeness of my mind and spirit. It took a long time, but when I turned around and looked back, it seemed as if I had been storing up treasure! Bless the LORD for those times!
I end this on a note about the Father’s sense of humor in answering our prayers. For a couple of years now, I have prayed for the LORD to give my former daughter-in-law, whom I love, a NEW life. Last week, she married a man whose last name is New. – Specific prayers are answered specifically! 🙂
I have found that the best work for the kingdom is done when we get to the end of ourselves. As we empty ourselves of our desires and plans (whether on purpose or by accident), we are able to embrace God’s purposes. Heschel said: “To be human is to be a problem, and the problem expresses itself in anguish, in the mental suffering of man….The problem of man is occasioned by our coming upon a conflict or contradiction between existence and expectation, between what man is and what is expected of him.” This TW expresses a problem that comes with being human. We all have or will experience similar feelings. The recent conference on the Sabbath was timely and provided instruction to handle the tension that accompanies our humanity. A period of refreshment is a good time.
Dear Skip,
I hope you will “write just what you wanted to write”. 🙂
Your writing today expresses feelings I am dealing with as well. Different details. Similar overall circumstance. Sometimes I feel like my purpose in life is to be a human ATM and take care of everyone else’s needs.
Your openness is encouraging to me Skip. To see that I am not alone with this reality is helpful. I asked God recently, “Are you angry with me? Have I offended you?”
I’m not sure I know the answer to that yet. All I know how to do is what you are doing. Do what I do in the circumstance in which I find myself and do it to the best of my ability. All the while praying, waiting, listening, watching…
Skip –
I am new to posting, but your lesson today struck me. I hope that you feel better. I know that I wait until the end of the year for my annual donation, but I will send it now. I recall that a check is better than credit card so I will mail it.
A few random thoughts and concrete ideas:
1. Recall how the airline attendants say, “If we lose altitude, take the oxygen mask and put it over your nose and mouth. Then, do if for any children.” The point – the adult needs to be alive in order to help anyone else.
2. I am a teacher, and I reuse old lessons. Tweaking them requires a lot LESS work and students still learn. Use old lessons to catch up new readers and to remind those of us that forget.
3. Post less often. The lessons are rich and reflecting on them for a couple of days could be helpful to everyone.
4. Don’t post on Sunday or Monday. Take a break every week for yourself.
Just some thoughts. I remember reading that saying that you’re praying for someone means being willing to put thought to action. The check will be in the mail on Monday for $300.