Connection

It is not good for the man to be alone.  Genesis 2:18  NASB

Alone – Brené Brown was the first to offer me the insight into connection. Her TED talk is significant. It must be heard (CLICK HERE). Her research provides the evidence that human beings are “hard-wired for connection,” and it is this single factor that is most influential in our quest for wholeness. Of course, the Bible speaks about this same inescapable need but in spiritual terms, not psychology. God designed us for connection. “It is not good for man to be alone,” is the primal cry for connection. And, as Ms. Brown discovered, it is also the call to vulnerability. Adam needs the woman not for companionship but for voluntary vulnerability. Without this there is no connection. There is only parallel isolation.

Next came Johaan Hari’s talk about addiction (CLICK HERE). It shouldn’t have been surprising (but it was) that connection is also intimately tied to addiction. Hari discovered that where there is real connection between people, addiction does not flourish. Conversely, the more disconnected people are, the more addictive behaviors become apparent. He specifically notes that cyber-connection is not real connection. What matters is “in your face, flesh and blood” real person-to-person presence. When we don’t have this, we find other ways to fill this essential need. Hari ends with this: “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is connection.” Powerful stuff, indeed.

What this suggests is that the current social media world actually pushes us toward addiction. It is not real connection. It is the copy of true presence. It looks like connection because we are “sharing” with someone else, but the cyber fiber means that we aren’t really in the presence of the other person. We are sharing avatars, unreal personal constructions of ourselves without emotional interplay and interdependence. Michael Moen already noted the effect this is having on the Gen-X population. In private correspondence, he expressed concern that this generation does not know how to deal with real personal confrontation. Simply “unfriending” means there is no need to come to terms with the real emotions of real people. No one in the social media world is likely to show up at the door when you are in serious crisis. Furthermore, Michael observed that this aversion to rejection is creating a world where people want jobs that do not interact with other people. Sitting in front of a computer is much easier. Dating someone who has already been “qualified” in terms of involvement and expectations as a result of social media is not really personal interdependence either. It is mutually agreed upon parallel isolation. People who condition themselves for this kind of controlled involvement are vulnerable to addiction. Why? Because in the absence of real connection the excruciating loneliness of human existence is nearly intolerable, and human beings will choose whatever is necessary to numb that loneliness.

By the way, the “God-shaped vacuum” approach of religion is no solution. While it may be true that human beings are designed in such a way that they must have some kind of spiritual as well as communal connection, filling the hole with God alone doesn’t seem to produce healthy well-being. Mystics, hermits and prophets live very difficult lives, usually misunderstood and removed from any form of vibrant community. Something is still missing in the lives of those who claim God is all that is needed. In fact, the biblical text of Genesis 2 clearly implies that God alone is not enough. Adam still needed his ‘ezer kenegdo. And she needed the man to bless. Becoming one is a process of mutual vulnerability. Let me say that again. Becoming one – that doesn’t mean simply joining forces with another person. It means becoming one with myself as well. I cannot become me alone. That’s the real impact of the verse, “It is not good for man to be alone.” You and I need connection—desperately. And when we don’t find it, we will either die or die trying.

Topical Index: loneliness, alone, addiction, vulnerability, Genesis 2:18