The Roast
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 NASB
Forgiving – How humorous is it to sit around a room and belittle another person? How much laughter do we derive from pointing out someone else’s flaws or embarrassing moments? Why do we enjoy watching another person squirm under the spotlight? One more invasive question. Why is the “roast” usually conducted among men?
For years I have been troubled by the typical verbal sport of men putting each other down. I see no redeeming value in this kind of humor. In fact, I consider it a form of lashon ha’ra (the evil tongue). Oh, it’s culturally accepted, I know. In fact, some of the worst behavior I ever witnessed was conducted at men’s retreats. Bawdy laughter over another man’s failures is not what I think Paul had in mind.
And, as far as I can tell, this is only the tip of the iceberg in a world where men are taught, by word and deed, to never expose themselves to personal vulnerability. The results are tragic. Men are not happy. How can they be when they face a world, even a Christian world, that humiliates them for their weaknesses? When Paul wrote to the Ephesians, he used some very important words; words that should eliminate pitiful attempt at humor at the expense of another person. The first of these words that we must examine is charizomai; a verb that means, “to give freely,” in this context, “to forgive without strings.” The root of this word is chairo, “to rejoice, to experience joy.” That’s the point of forgiveness—to experience the joy of knowing you are right with the world and with God. If that doesn’t happen, then something is wrong. For men to be happy, joy must be present. The tragedy of the male cultural world is the joy probably isn’t even in the vocabulary. Men can be satisfied, successful, satiated, substantial and sagacious, but not joyful. There is a tiny bit of embarrassment associated with David dancing before the Lord or singing as he entered Jerusalem. Those actions might be acceptable in the ancient Hebrew culture, but not today. Today men need to be powerful, hardened and resolute. No tears of exuberance, please.
Paul pushes us toward a different reality; a reality where even the rocks express emotions. In the Hebrew universe, everything is alive. It is a personal and corporate tragedy beyond compare to find that human males are emotionally deceased. Joy does not have a sister named heartless.
Why can’t men be happy? The answer seems to be connected with the lack of joy in their lives, and a culture where joy is considered a sign of weakness. Western Man is very much a product of stoicism. Perhaps the first step in recovering our God-given humanity is forgiving ourselves for being so hard on ourselves.
Topical Index: charizomai, forgive, lashon ha’ra, evil speech, chairo, joy, Ephesians 4:32
There is quite a good book around this topic by an American psychologist called James Hollis if anyone is interested. I think he lives or lived in Philadelphia maybe. Anyway it is called Under Saturn’s Shadow. It is quite overtly Jungian and not written from a “christian” perspective, but has a lot to say about how we end up behaving in these abusive and destructive ways and how we conspire to collude in our own misery. It’s only quite short but worth a look.
Thank you, Simon! I went and read the David H. Rosen review and synthesis of the book. This reminds me very much of Robert Bly’s book on the myth of Iron John, but I could also recommend Gordon Dalbey’s take on Bly’s interpretation from a Christian perspective in his book Healing The Masculine Soul. (Both can be found online for free. Check out Bly’s utube reading.) After we listened to Bly’s audio, years ago, I found that suddenly all my children and I had a vocabulary and platform to talk about what had previously been simply unspoken trauma in our family. It was a marvelous breakthrough!
I now think that we dismiss the power of initiation rites and roles of the elders in community to the peril of the maturation of the species. As a result, I fear we are living in an entire culture of desperately immature and enraged people of both sexes. This I attribute mainly to the top down, vertical enslavement to hierarchy that obliterated the power of the family as well as the natural democracy of the tribal community to pass on spiritual and emotional values in an organic, unforced way.
I think men – who are chiefly to blame for this power grab, by the way – are now perhaps personally suffering the most from the curse associated with that attempt to control that, as Skip has pointed out so well in Guardian Angel, started in Eden. There is another way, however, that we used to know, practiced in places outside empire, patriarchical domination and ecclesiastical usurpation. Perhaps we could find our way back there by “ask(ing) for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls” (Jer. 6:16)? Just a guess.
Close to Home
~ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you. Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the Law and judges it. And if you judge the Law, you are not a practitioner of the Law, but a judge of it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?…~
I’ll answer the text.. — “not me!” I do not know the “end from the beginning,” neither do I know another man’s “situation.” This I do know (for it is written), “Now the end of the commandment [the goal of our instruction!] is love out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned..” (1 Timothy 1.5)
Slander (speaking ill of another) is first cousin to “bearing false witness.” The “Accuser of the Brethren” is delighted when we with our tongues (Yes, slander is a form of lashon ha’ra -the evil tongue) “belittle” our brethren.
Oh, how we (with wisdom) must watch our words!!
Let us remember (and practice!) the words of our Savior: ~ But I say unto you, That EVERY idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment ~ (Matthew 12.36)
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff… and stop me when I’ve said enuf!!
“Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind?, is it necessary,? is it true?, does it improve on the silence?”
Carl, thank you for the verses.
I had a precious man in my life confess that the reason he felt he had to criticize, belittle and attack was because he felt those around him were judging him. He felt judged, even though the only thing others desperately really wanted was his love, and for him to accept their love.
I think, to try to answer the question I hear Skip ask (the question being why we lash out with “:lashon ha’ra”?) is to say that I think we lash out to defend against the accusation that we are not free to love and be loved. We are not free, however, because we do not trust or feel that we deserve (accept responsibility for) the trust of those around us. We attack because we suffer from a lack of trust which leaves us unable to practice the necessary vulnerability of relationship. We attack because we already feel isolated, and fear worse isolation.
I suspect we attack (judge) others in a vain, reverse psychological attempt to step out of having to practice the Law because everyone knows that the judge of the Law is “not a practitioner of the Law”. In other words, we attack to say “how DARE you judge me when you are guilty yourself”, but that attack is in itself a judgment against others.
I think we judge to keep from being judged but the Bible makes it clear that the judgment that we mete others is the judgment that will be meted to us. Are we messed up or what? Again, I find myself trying to explain things that don’t make any sense. It is impossible to do it.
We need to just take the Bible at its Word and quit trying think we can find a way around our trust issues. Accusation and criticism are just ways to dig deeper holes for ourselves.
P.S. Skip, the best poets are those who listen to pain. Thank you for the poetry of yours, and for modeling self vulnerability first. Until we can hear our own pain, we will continue to fear the pain of others, and act accordingly. Love (connection) begins at home. Have I listened to my pain today, or am I still practicing avoidance, self pity and harshness? The way I react to those around me will tell the tale.
“Trust is choosing to make something [which is] important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else”. -Brene Brown. She breaks down “trust” into powerful components in her April 2017 presentation at UCLA titled “The Anatomy of Trust”, available on YouTube. It is a whole, new definition of BRAVE!
Sounds a lot the same as the discussion on shalom being changed at one occasion to be remove.
Is that not what forgiving is all about, forget the past, do not repeat how it made you feel. Be freed and live henceforth a life that reveals salvation… Or ye who has no sin cast the first stone.
Maybe our view on forgiving is preventing us to truly forgive, admit and I can forgive, should it not rather be go free as I hold nothing against you…
To be “rejoice” not remove…